Every NFL Team Nickname is Offensive

The "Change The Mascot" march in Washington gained ground this week when the US Patent and Trademark Office canceled six trademarks issued to the NFL's Washington Redskins. While the organization appeals the ruling, the team will still be able to use the name that the USPTO labeled as "disparaging" to Native Americans.

But honestly, aren't there mascots and team names in pro football that are just as offensive? It's only a matter of interpretation to see that every nickname in the NFL is disparaging to someone. Or something. It's up to us to ensure that this madness ends now, and that every NFL team nickname is something wholesome, family-friendly, and fun.

Let's have a look.

The cardinal is the state bird for seven different states, none of which is Arizona. Their state bird? The cactus wren. Hey, the cactus wren hasn't heard of you, either. When will the cactus wren get its due?

Proposed replacement nickname: Arizona Cactus Wrens

The state of Georgia had a reputation for being a penal colony during the age of the British Empire when it was founded in the 1730s. And yet the state's only football team continues to perpetuate that mistruth. The FalCONS have brandished their own cultural insensitivity too far. (Counterpoint: "We say to each other all the time, 'What's up, con?'")

Proposed replacement nickname: Atlanta Falpros.

Before Baltimore became Maryland's crackhouse, it was the home to Edgar Allen Poe, who wrote a poem called "The Raven." Yes, this is a pro football team named after a poem! Not, as many of you surely suspected, the Disney Channel show. How unmanly!

Proposed replacement nickname: Baltimore Raven-Symonés.

The Bills were named for noted frontiersman "Buffalo Bill" Cody, who was a pretty cool dude until one considers that he earned his nickname from his efficiency of MURDERING POOR DEFENSELESS BISON! Seriously. Dude reportedly gunned down over 4,000 American bison in one 18-month span. What did those bison ever do to him? And why was he not nicknamed "Bison Bill?" This is going to bother me all day.

Proposed replacement nickname: Toronto Bison.

This is just revenge against the Black Panthers. A professional sports team with 75 of its players being black, based in a former slave state. My Inner Geraldine Ferraro is in an uproar. Will no one stop to think of the children?

Proposed replacement nickname: Charlotte Webs.

Are you kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS BEARS SHIT? Did you not see Grizzly Man? Have you no respect, Chicago, for the earth and its vast array of natural treasures? Why must you continue to mock the memory of a documentary filmmaker trying to make friends with a wild predator. What's wrong with that?

Proposed replacement nickname: Chicago Kickbacks.

Paul Brown founded this iteration of the Bengals franchise after Art Modell fired him as Cleveland Browns coach in 1963. Brown called his new team the Bengals, named for a currently-endangered tiger species in southeast Asia. No big deal, right?

WRONG. This nickname is now salt in the wound after the 2011 Zanesville Zoo Massacre, where 18 Bengal tigers were put down by local authorities. How many times must we relive that senseless tragedy?

Proposed replacement nickname: Cincinnati Kids (because Steve McQueen is awesome).

"Let's name our team after the color of shit." Time to grow up, Cleveland.

Proposed replacement name: Cleveland Beige.

Cow. Boys. This is just another thoughtless, damaging tribute to the mass slaughter of animals and early adolescent misogyny. Stop perpetuating rape culture, Dallas!

Proposed replacement nickname: Dallas Buyers Club

Broncos? An NFL team sharing a name with O. J. Simpson's preferred vehicle of escape from justice? When will Mr. Elway join in the search for the real killers?

Proposed replacement nickname: Denver Cowlings

Detroit is a horrible, horrible place. That is all.

Proposed replacement nickname: Michigan Lions.

It's bad enough that the Packers share their logo with not one but two college teams. But the thought of the act of "packing" leads itself to two polarizing things in this country: gay sex and helping friends move. Pretty sure every other fight in America is started by one of these two things.

Proposed replacement nickname: Green Bay of Pigs

A blight on the history of this great game, since another franchise was already named the Texans at one point. Why are we recycling team mascots? They're biodegradable!

Proposed replacement nickname: Houston Blue Bins

A colt is a young horse, and sending toddler animals out to compete against their fully grown counterparts reeks of child labor law violations. How is this fair to our underdeveloped equine heroes anywhere? It isn't.

Proposed replacement nickname: Indiana Gluesticks.

Lane Pryce killed himself over Jaguar! It's a pompous ass-carJar.

Proposed replacement name: Los Angeles Jaguars.

If enough people start repeating "Chief is a slur! CHIEF IS A SLUR!" then we may see this nickname tossed out the window soon enough. While not as disparaging as its Washington counterpart, it still flunks the Politically Correct Eyeball Test.

Proposed replacement nickname: Kansas City Arrowheads. Wow, that was easy. And you don't even have to change the name of the stadium.

Dolphins are smart mammals. They can communicate with humans and interpret commands. And yet there ARE NO DOLPHIN HEAD COACHES IN THE NFL. It's not Snowflake! IT'S NOT SNOWFLAKE!

Proposed replacement nickname: Miami Sound Machines. NOBODY'S USING THAT NAME NOW; IT'S TOTALLY LEGIT

The Vikings were a bunch of blonde-headed pillagers with enormous ships and battle axes and a hardcore paleo diet. Basically, the Vikings were the founders of Crossfit, and are therefore insane.

Proposed replacement nickname: Minneapolis WODs.

Proposed replacement nickname: Foxborough Flops.

This is cruel irony; the behavior of anyone visiting New Orleans is anything but saintly. How can the NFL allow such an unattainable standard of decency to taint the experience of getting drunk in the street?

Proposed replacement nickname: New Orleans Saint Patrick's Day All The Time Man WHOOOOO!!!

Why do the Giants were red numbers on their road jerseys when they were blue jerseys at home? They look like a blue-helmeted Ohio State out there! What gives?

Proposed replacement nickname: New Jersey Buckeyes.

Times have changed, New Yorkers. Today, the Jets are a total pie in the face to the families awaiting the return of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. I expected more from you, New York.

Proposed replacement nickname: [communication lost]

Honestly, "Raiders" might be one of the greatest team nicknames ever, even with such an ugly raping-and-pillaging connotation. In the words of the Joker in Batman (no, not Heath Ledger, you douche), "I kinda like this one. Leave it."

Proposed replacement nickname: I SAID LEAVE IT. CAN YOU NOT FOLLOW DIRECTIONS OR WHAT?

How many freaking sports teams have decided to use the name "Eagles" as their mascot? No, seriously. Think about all those teams at all of those schools, all around the country? Now add the rec teams, the AAU teams, and how many is that? Half a million teams? A million teams? Stop pilfering our childhood memories, Jeffrey Lurie. You're not George Lucas.

Proposed replacement nickname: Philadelphia Balboas.

Western Pennsylvania was producing half of all the steel in the United States in the early 20th century, much of which was used to provide munitions to help American forces. Away with your push-button death machines, yinz guys! And don't even get me started on Steely McBeam.

Proposed replacement nickname: Pittsburgh Eagles.

St. Louis with all of its murders and awesome traffic supposedly has the "Best Fans In Baseball," which is like winning that "oldest guy" contest that the deejay decides to do at EVERY wedding. Enjoy your little prize there, chumps, because you're probably gonna die soon, anyway.

Proposed replacement nickname: St. Louis the Fourteenths.

Are we talking about the horse or the car? Or maybe it's ex-Redskin tight end Chris Cooley and his curious tantrum about rounding up "maybe a Senator or two that wants to protect the ozone" to get the Chargers to change their team name. We stand in solidarity with you, Chris!

Proposed replacement nickname: San Diego Cooleys.

How many people died during the California gold rush in the mid-19th century? Oh, not many, just about A HUNDRED THOUSAND NATIVE AMERICANS for starters, to say nothing of the environmental damage done by about 300,000 gold prospectors. HOW MANY LIVES MUST BE LOST FOR YOU TO WEAR A GOLD HELMET, COLIN KAEPERNICK! SHOW ME THE TATTOO ON YOUR ARM FOR YOUR GENOCIDE.

Proposed replacement nickname: San Francisco Flat-Billed Caps.

In real life, the "sea hawk" is just another name for the osprey, another overlooked bird that knows the cactus wren's plight only too well. Ornithology run amok, I say!

Proposed replacement nickname: Oklahoma City Seahawks.

Few things are more buccaneer than taking an already-existing mascot (the Raiders) and stealing it for your own team. Raiders and buccaneers are the same thing, people. WAKE UP AND TASTE THE MADNESS, PEOPLE! Can't wait until we see the next expansion team, the London Scallywags. Stop stealing nicknames, Tampa!

Proposed replacement name: Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Another recycled nickname here; New York's AFL franchise went by "The Titans of New York" for three seasons before changing their name to the Jets in 1963. And the state of Tennessee, whose merits lay somewhere between its backwater reputation and anything remotely titanic in nature, deserves a franchise named for its fans and the constant passive-aggressive moping that their team continues to inspire.

Proposed replacement nickname: Nashville Redditors.

We've covered this. It's clear that the only way to dodge the cloud hanging over FedEx Field is for Daniel Snyder to change the name, even if that means caving in to a so-called "progressive" or "politically correct" way of thinking. But hey, if you can't beat 'em…join 'em.

Proposed rep­­lacement nickname: Washington Blueskins.

Josh is a freelance sportswriter, analyst and host. You may know him from such websites as Deadspin, Kissing Suzy Kolber, With Leather, WashingtonPost.com, and Bleacher Report. Follow him on Twitter @JoshZerkle.