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Stay Thin, You Idiot: How To Prepare For Your Wedding

All you need is money, know-how, and a love of jars.
February 14, 2016, 10:00pm
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As a woman, your wedding is literally the most important day of your life. Becoming a bride is the fulfilment of your biological destiny—you can basically die as soon as you say "I do." Wouldn't that be nice? Here's how to make sure you're ready:

1. Be born a woman. Try to do this about twenty-five to twenty-eight years before your wedding, but absolutely no more than thirty. Preparedness is key!

2. Consume any media. You don't have to be particularly selective. Almost any magazine, book, film, or TV show geared towards women will drive home the message that you were put on this earth to find a man and to wed.


3. Get into jars. It might not make sense at first, but at some point in the planning process, you and your bridesmaids will look at each other and scream, "IT COULD GO IN A JAR!!!!!" Jars are an extremely important part of the wedding process; it's best to start early.

4. Make sure your body never betrays you by growing hair. What are you going to do, walk down the aisle with a bit of leg stubble? Are you a MURDERER? Get an intensive wax routine and get one early. (Insider tip: save money by developing a nervous tick involving plucking your own leg hair, then be really stressed out most of the time!)

5. Cultivate a group of women you hate. You're going to make these bitches spend literally thousands of dollars to wear unflattering outfits they did not choose and link arms with your fiance's worst cousin as they walk down the aisle. Are you going to do that to people you actually like? You're looking for three to eight women, a group which should include a high pitched screamer, a crying one to do the speech, a girl who is noticeably chunkier than the rest of the bridal party, and one lesbian you will force to wear a dress against her will.

6. Stay thin you fucking idiot! It is very hard to say yes to the dress if you do not fit the sample size. The good news is that staying thin is extremely easy if you combine the three Rs: Rigorous Exercise, Restricting Calories, and Really, Really Hating Yourself.


7. Maintain excellent hair, teeth, and nails. You know, like a fancy dog does. Your wedding is basically a one-woman Crufts.

8. Drink a copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea before your son Rohan wakes. Add some Brain Dust and a pearl in there, why not.

9. Save $15,000. Work hard, rise the ranks in the company of your choosing, and diligently squirrel away your hard-earned paycheques. Then go to a sparse, brightly lit store and let a woman who does not like you clamp you in to a lace bib. Spend the entirety of your savings on the bib. Wear the bib one time and then keep it in your closet so you can die in it.

10. Use some lasers on your body somewhere. Freeze things, laser things, scrub things, inject things. Get a very upset rich guy to tell you what needs to be injected where and when, and do whatever he says.

11. Accept that your uncle is going to get drunk and bum people out.

And that's it! If you have followed this process correctly you will now be in dire financial straits and need a stabilizing second income in your life immediately. The good news is you should also have waxed yourself into a woman worthy of love! When you arrive at the part of the wedding where everyone ranks how good the bride looks out of ten, rank yourself a good point and a half higher than you normally would (don't go crazy, fives). If you normally feel like a six, try on being seven-out-of-ten happy with your appearance and who you are as a person (remember: these are basically the same thing). After all, girl, this is your day!