Dear Everyone, Please Stop Farting on the Dancefloor

5 tips to help you cut shapes instead of damn cheese.
May 19, 2016, 8:00pm

This article was originally published on THUMP Colombia.

You're dancing in a packed club, bar, or warehouse—absorbing the fluorescent fractals lighting up the room and your eyelids. The music is reaching its climax, crushing whatever fear you have and leading you to a moment of joy and faith in humanity. Telepathic connection between humans is possible, and the people beside you are feeling the vibes too. But then, suddenly, a warm mist rises from below, and a potent gas catches you right in the grill. The smell of rotten eggs become intense and the crowd, again, is right there with you. There is no escape. Someone may have just shit his or herself and it feels like it was aimed straight at you.

Why are we not talking about this? Why the hell has the brave community of dance music lovers not joined together as a unified chorus to refuse these heinous acts of dancefloor terrorism? Are we all too afraid?

Ladies, gentlemen, it's time to take action.

I don't know about you, but i'm becoming scared of these digestive-miscreants who have no qualms about consuming a steak as the prelude to their night on the town. But I've been wondering: what is the correct protocol to take care of this drama? To what entity do we file our complaints? How many years in prison should we propose for these scoundrels?

Unfortunately I don't have the answers to those questions, but, I may just have a few tips that can help you or your friend—ahem—clear the air. It's up to you to not be part of the problem. Please take notes.

1. Plan Accordingly

Before you dance, avoid all dairy products. No ice cream! Also suggest to your mother and/or grandmother that the family meal should be on Sunday—not a night where you're likely to hit the club. That being said, if your stomach is feeling bloated, choose Netflix over the dancefloor.

2. Be Smart With Your Drugs

Test your drugs to make sure they are free of Levamisole, an animal dewormer that will fuck your shit up. Poppers? Don't even think about it. Actually, just avoid drugs entirely.

3. Find Ways Arounds the Problem

If you're finding it difficult to hold it in, try singing along to the track to distract yourself. If that doesn't work then maybe attempt to ID the track being played, or even count out loud every four bars. If you're still in trouble, just think about much everyone around you will hate you if you let one go.

4. Cover Your Tracks

If you can not suppress what flatulence you have, go calmly to the nearest smoke machine.

5. Actually Just Leave the Damn Club and Go Home

If the subject of stank becomes inevitable, run. Run like the devil.

Now go learn it, live it, and love it.