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Straight Croissants Are Harbingers of Our Dystopian Future

If Uber designed a croissant, this is what it would look like.
Image: Adapted by Adrianne Jeffries from Fidel Gastro/YouTube

From Friday, British supermarket Tesco will stop selling curved croissants, instead offering only straight ones.

This is not just a matter of blatant disrespect for the tradition of a breakfast pastry so defined by its crescent shape it's actually named for it. This is a symptom of all things wrong with a society that values utility over all other concerns; that shuns artistry or history or culture and instead insists that the only thing in the world worth striving for is ultimate convenience.


If Uber designed a croissant, this is what it would look like.

Tesco's croissant buyer Harry Jones told the Guardian that the decision to stock only straight croissants came after 75 percent of customers said they preferred them.

In a statement embodying the Silicon Valley mindset that ease-of-use is necessarily equivalent to quality, he explained, "At the heart of the move away from curved croissants is the spreadability factor. The majority of shoppers find it easier to spread jam, or their preferred filling, on a straighter shape with a single sweeping motion."

He added, as if pitching a startup for a product that no one needs but that Marc Andreessen might consider investing in, "With the crescent shaped croissants, it's more fiddly and most people can take up to three attempts to achieve perfect coverage, which increases the potential for accidents involving sticky fingers and tables."

And so the centuries-old pastry formerly known as the croissant falls victim to the vicious demand for expediency. The desire for straight croissants directly follows the desire for on-demand taxis; for one-click shopping; for instant drone delivery. Forget comfort, forget joy—those extra few seconds you might take to spread jam on a breakfast food are seconds when you could be working. And if you're not working at absolute maximum efficiency, you too risk being replaced by something more convenient.

Hell, I'm surprised we haven't just foregone croissants completely for a multipurpose slurpable gloop. Oh, wait.