Dumb Football with Mike Tunison, Championship Weekend

Championship Sunday gave us one competitive slogfest with a mollywhopping chaser, and we have our Super Bowl. If the Broncos could get some slightly above replacement level quarterback to lead them—there's always Brock Osweiler—the run-up to the game might be more bearable. As it stands, it's a pretty compelling matchup.

Roster transformation over a two-year period isn't incredibly rare in the NFL, given that the average pro-football career is just over three seasons long. What the Broncos have done in the two years since their last Super Bowl appearance is still remarkable, though, and all the more so because the quarterback who once carried them has declined sharply in ability over that period.

The 2013 Broncos had scored the most points in NFL history during the regular season, only to get bombed by a more physical Seahawks team in the Super Bowl. It didn't help that Von Miller was out for that game, but it was never close. This time, Denver probably has the edge when it comes to visiting brutality on the opponent, though the advantage is less stark. The Panthers, too, are a rough-and-tumble team, and that attitude extends to include their quarterback, Cam Newton, who trucks opposing linebackers with more ferocity than most running backs in the NFL.

Of the two teams taking the field in Levi's Stadium in two weeks, Carolina has certainly looked more impressive in their run to the Super Bowl, putting up more than 30 points on each of their opponents. The Broncos, meanwhile, have found ways to bring captivating offenses down to their level of ugliness. The Steelers were beset by injuries in the divisional round, but that can't be said of the Patriots on Sunday. The Broncos defense exploited New England's weakness on the offensive line over and over. It's going to be a daunting challenge for a Carolina line anchored by left tackle Michael Oher, who basically got chased out of Baltimore as a disappointment. It makes sense that the Panthers' lack of talent at receiver would catch up to them at some point. Honestly, no one really knows how this will all shake out, but there's money to be made in acting like it, so let's get to it.

Petards Be Hoisted

Much to the delight of Roger Goodell, along with a good chunk of the league's fan base, the Patriots have been eliminated. If you want to take a really glib line of explanation, the Pats only have themselves to blame: it was New England who proposed moving the extra point back to a 33-yard attempt, and on Sunday their kicker, Stephen Gostkowski, missed his first try in more than 500 attempts early in the game. After many other events that influenced the outcome just as dramatically, the Pats were forced at the end of the game to try a two-point conversion to tie, and failed. It's worth pointing out that the longer extra point had league-wide support and would have passed no matter who proposed it, but this is Dumb Football and I want to act like the Patriots sealed their own fate in the middle of the off-season. I believe I've accomplished that, so…

NFL Sidelines: Still Cement-Lined Death Traps

Rob Gronkowski missed some snaps in the second half while he was getting hydrated and massaged on the sideline—and fortunately not because he took a nasty fall going to the sideline after making a catch earlier in the game. You might think the NFL would have addressed the slick cement covering that cost Reggie Bush his season, given that Football is Family™ and Together We Make Football™ and a bunch of other happy-clappy slogans the NFL pumps out while continuing to not give a shit about anyone.

Where Are the Criticisms of Bill Belichick's Halftime Adjustments!?

— RN's Funhouse (@RNs_Funhouse)January 24, 2016

The switch from a windbreaker to the more traditional hoodie just didn't hack it in Denver. The Patriots trailed 17-9 at half, which means the return to the hoodie helped narrow the deficit, so you have to wonder why Belichick didn't start out with it. What's worse, based on the malfunctioning Microsoft Surfaces on the Patriots sideline in the first half, it's clear Belichick got out-cheated. Hate to see the master fall short on the big stage, but it should be a teachable moment for Grumblelord. He won't allow an opponent to ever out-cheat him again.

The Takes! The Takes!

Cam Newton is football hot take gold, and we can rest assured that every take artist worth their weight in clicks won't be able to resist riling people up with dog-whistle politics, character questioning, and nursing old grudges. I won't pretend like I haven't fallen prey to this sort of obvious provocation, but let's all swear to do our best to ignore the dipshits for the next two weeks. Actually, who am I kidding? I'll be writing a line-by-line takedown of Peter King by the middle of this week.

This Week's Imagined Death Knell for Crying Jordan

Is this what you want, Internet?! — Arizona Cardinals (@AZCardinals)January 25, 2016

That's right, Crying Jordan is now so prevalent a meme that official team accounts feel safe using it to self-deprecate. It's tempting to pronounce this as Finally the Thing that Kills Crying MJ, but we should all know better at this point and expect an entire timeline of bad Photoshops on the losing presidential candidate come November.

An Important Second for Actual People

Ron Rivera becomes the second Hispanic head coach to advance to the Super Bowl, joining former Raiders coach Tom Flores. This time last year, Rivera was dealing with relocating his family after a house fire broke out the week of a Panthers playoff game. So, uh, I don't want to speak for him, but this might be somewhat better.

This is also the fourth consecutive Super Bowl in which one of the starting quarterbacks is a person of color. This may seem like old hat to some, but given that there were only three black starting QBs in the 46 Super Bowls before that, it still strikes me as something worth celebrating.

An Important Second for the Beleaguered Mascot Community

Only non-human mammal vs. mammal SB matchup was Colts vs. Bears. Broncos-Panthers could be 2nd.

— Tom Rock (@TomRock_Newsday)January 25, 2016

Condolences to the bird and human mascot communities on their devastating losses on Sunday. They'll be back, I'm sure. History favors Peyton in this thing that doesn't matter, as his Colts defeated the Bears in Super Bowl XLI. The wrinkle this time is that Peyton Manning is basically Rex Grossman minus the arm strength and sex addiction.

Fan of the Week

Sometimes your favorite team gets a victory cigar touchdown just before advancing to the Super Bowl and you just have to backflip onto the field to celebrate. Let those of us who haven't been there cast the first stone. Sure, possible injury and certain legal penalties are things to worry about. On the other hand, those things definitely beat being the disgruntled Browns fan/airline employee who holds up wearied travelers with tales of woe.

We've now paused boarding in Charlotte so the gate agent can rant about the Browns never winning anything.

— Tom Pelissero (@TomPelissero)January 25, 2016

Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline in Glory

1. Von Miller — A lot is about to be made of how the Broncos linebacker and the Panthers quarterback went first and second overall in the 2011 NFL Draft. On Sunday, Miller was just the second player since 1982 to post at least two and a half sacks and an interception in a playoff game. According to my very real sports statistics bureau, which definitely exists, and its proprietary methods, that's the first time a player who raises chickens in his free time has ever accomplished that.

2. Cam Newton — Whatever doubt remained that Cam Newton would win the league's MVP award was surely extinguished Sunday with yet another impressive outing coupled with Carson Palmer's undoing. Now he enters his first championship game as a pro, facing Peyton Manning, and he's the one the world is expecting to light it up.

3. Wade Phillips — With a career record of 82-64, he was a better head coach than his reputation suggests. Nevertheless, even if his days as HC are behind him, Wade still has a place as a surpassingly great defensive coordinator. The Broncos defense hit Brady 23 times on Sunday. According to ESPN, that's nearly double the previous high of hits on Brady in a game this season (12). Bear in mind that it was the Patriots offensive line that was earning plaudits the week before for shutting down a vaunted Chiefs pass rush, albeit one that was mostly without Justin Houston.

4. Ted Ginn — Quite possibly the most maligned No. 1 receiver of any Super Bowl team in memory, Ginn performed admirably on Sunday. His 22-yard touchdown run put Carolina up 10-0 early. He ended up saving seven points as well by chasing down and tackling Patrick Peterson on Cam Newton's sole interception of the game. A few plays later, Carson Palmer threw another pick and Carolina came away unscathed. Ginn did laughably lose track of one deep pass, though, so yesterday still felt real.

5. Jaime Collins — For all the billing Brady-Manning 17 received in the week leading up to the game, it was defense on both sides that stole the show. Collins tied for the team high with six tackles and had two sacks of Peyton Manning. Unfortunately, he was also assigned to cover Owen Daniels on the two touchdowns the Broncos tight end scored.

Five Losers Bathing in the Hard Water of Infinite Shame

1. Carson Palmer — The dislocated right index finger he suffered late in the regular season made this postseason run a bit of a nightmare. Though Arizona escaped upset against Green Bay last week, Palmer never looked great in that game. On Sunday, he experienced one of the most anguishing playoff meltdowns by a quarterback ever. Palmer was responsible for six turnovers overall, four of them interceptions. The NFL's more protective rules for quarterbacks—as well as perhaps some other things/substances, wink, wink—have allowed passers to stay effective as they approach 40 years old. Still, Palmer turned 36 a month ago and it's hard to imagine there will be many more chances like this.

2. Marcus Cannon — Suffice it to say, the Patriots will have a new right tackle when the 2016 season begins.

3. Sebastian Vollmer — The bookends for New England's line had an awful game. Vollmer is better suited for the right side, though it's unlikely he would have fared much better against Von Miller on Sunday. As it was, he struggled mightily with DeMarcus Ware on the left.

4. Patrick Peterson — A tough postseason for one of the NFL's most respected defensive backs. A week ago, he let Jeff Janis secure the Hail Mary in the end zone to send the playoff game against the Packers to overtime. On Sunday, he mishandled a punt return just as it seemed like the Cardinals might actually be able to get back into the game. Carolina scored again to make it 24-7 late in the first half and the rout was on.

5. Stephen Gostkowski — Perhaps a victim of his own success, Gostkowski's missed extra point in Denver snapped his NFL record of 523 straight successful attempts, although the majority of those came from 18 yards. The miss also required the Pats to go for two late in the game to force a tie, though it's tempting to wonder whether New England would have still tried for two had Gostkowski made the earlier attempt. Alas, we'll never know. The Patriots in the Belichick-Brady era have been spoiled by clutch kicking, so this comeuppance is greatly appreciated by Pats haters. Ahem, not that I know any of those.

The Super Bowl 50 Storylines Most Likely to Be Beaten Mercilessly into the Ground

Hey, did you know one starting quarterback is much older than the other? Crazy, but true.

Von Miller and Cam Newton were the first two picks in the 2011 Draft and now one is trying to tackle the other! What a world, what a life, I'm in love.

General assignment culture writers absent-mindedly parachuting into football coverage to tell us what Cam Newton means. Cam's season has been a marvel for many reasons and that will be true even without a championship. There are a handful of writers—Tommy Craggs, for example—capable of articulating Cam's broader societal impact, and a few thousand who aren't. Get ready for a lot of the latter.

Anything about Peyton Manning's legacy. Will getting a second title help his case with people who like to endlessly argue about the hierarchy of all-time greats? Probably a little. Will it solve anything one way or the other? Of course not.

The NFL's continuing efforts to remind us that this year's Super Bowl is a nice big round number. And that Roman numerals will return in a year that doesn't result in Super Bowl L.

Remember Michael Oher? The guy they made the movie about? He's playing in a big game now! Gather 'round, people with minimal interest in the sport who sort of remember the plot of that one Sandra Bullock Football Mom Movie.

Which desperate and unscrupulous company will submit a too-shocking-for-the-Super-Bowl ad in a bid for attention? I'll go with Uber for People Who Hate SJWs.

Thomas Davis is fighting to play in the big game despite a broken arm and he's going to give it his all, thanks to the will to win, a plethora of drugs, and some crazy pseudo-science, like injecting the yogurt Cam endorses into his bloodstream.

It's the third consecutive year that the top seed from each conference has reached the Super Bowl. Time to call for a knee-jerk corrective to make that more difficult. How about all No. 1 seeds have to play with rocks in their cleats and the opposing coach gets to force them to use their backup QB on five plays of their choosing? The interest of fairness must be maintained.

Both head coaches replaced John Fox for their current job. And like John Fox, one of them will get to lose a Super Bowl.

The Incredibly Fresh Storyline of Super Bowl 50 that Actually Matters

The second generation of the Colquitt Family punting dynasty might finally get that elusive title! Let's go… [double-checks which Colquitt the Broncos have] Britton!