UK festivals are back, baby! Which is good news for fun lovers, for the events industry and for self-described “cards”, for whom buying a pair of novelty sunglasses and chatting shite at strangers is life’s greatest joy.
Held in Powys, Wales, in the middle of some mountains, this weekend Green Man hosted acts like Mogwai, Thundercat, Tirzah and a lot of people with harps. Basically a mini-Glastonbury, the weekend’s climax sees the namesake Green Man at the centre of the festival set on fire, Wicker Man-style, while everyone gathers around roaring “BURN HIM” and satisfying their carnal human need for destruction.
It's a scenic place for cider dads, teenagers on ketamine and toddlers in bucket hats to commune and enjoy the vibes. We could have done an entire piece on the many dripped-out babies in attendance, but you need a lot of paperwork to pull that off, so just imagine them hanging out in the background having arguably the sickest time out of everyone and providing both comfort and shame to those of us on a comedown.
So in place of that, to give you a similar idea of how things went down, here’s all the best shit we overheard during one weekend in the scenic Welsh countryside.
“I’ve never heard of the concept of dry shampoo before. It’s a bit much, isn’t it?”
“He’s put a lot of effort in. He’s been wearing the same kilt for four days.”
“I’m surprisingly good at ultimate frisbee because I went to boarding school.”
“It’s so hot man, I feel like I’m in the Bahamas. It’s literally independent tropical Wales right now.”
“When you go to sleep in your tent later, fucked on ket, that’s when I'll appear.”
“Put your hands up if you’re a dank dungeon bitch!” – Charlotte Church, onstage
“Next time I go to London for the weekend I’m going to pick up some boxers.”
“Why is that kid so good at the diabolo? It’s like the owner of the stall selling them has trained kids and sent them out as a marketing tool.”
“Where are you from? You look mental.”
“Philip Roth was a freak… and that’s on periodt.”
“You shampoo your mouth?!”
“I love... a lager…. at a festival.”
“Don’t say ‘made love’ like that, that's horrible.”
“When I hear music like this I always assume they're singing something sad, like, ‘Nanny, where’s my custard creams.’”
“I’m not doing gear tonight.” “Don’t be so fucking childish.”
“Oh, not the mimes again, piss off.”
“DON'T BREATHE… I just burped.”
“Look at that baby just hanging loose.”
“How do you think bands like this form? Do they all meet at the pub and get to chatting, like, ‘Yeah, we all play instruments and need therapy’?”
“One thing I will say about this festival is that everyone has really nice smelling vapes.”
“My phone said ‘face not recognised’ because I look like a fucking haunted doll.”
“I can’t wait to see that big green man go up in flames.”
“Imagine learning Latin like Boris Johnson does. Fucking loser.”
“Brexit means Brexit, lager means lager.”