Last year was a relatively quiet one for Paris Hilton. She shared a runway with Lil' Kim at New York Fashion Week, made a one-episode appearance on Germany's Next Top Model, and she released a song called "B.F.A. (Best Friend's Ass)" where she mostly complains about fuckboys, fu-fu-fuckboys, and fu-fu-fuckboys again.
It was a total surprise on many different levels when the 38-year-old launched a cooking show on her YouTube channel, called "Cooking With Paris." The first episode dropped on Monday, and it's either a brilliant piece of performance art, or a cautionary tale about what can go wrong when you believe in yourself.
The last time any of us saw Hilton's culinary skills, it was probably during that unforgettable scene on The Simple Life where she cooked a slice of bacon and a… dry breakfast quesadilla (???) with an iron. But she's clearly grown as a person in the almost two decades since that reality show premiered—like, she's carrying her chihuahua with her hands now, instead of at the bottom of an oversized handbag.
For her "Cooking with Paris" debut, Hilton spends 16 minutes explaining how to make what she calls her "infamous sliving lasagna." (Yes, she dabbles in etymology too: 'sliving' is her two-month old catchphrase, a mashup of slaying and living.)
"As you all know—well, maybe not all of you know—people who do know, know that I'm an amazing cook," she declares in Trumpian fashion at the beginning of the episode. She says that she's chosen to make lasagna because she has vivid memories of her mother making "pastas and lasagnas" when she was a kid.
Although a list of ingredients briefly appears on the left side of the screen, Hilton doesn't provide any measurements or quantities, and she's also a little tentative because she says she's never cooked in that huge, well-appointed kitchen before. But based on what we saw in the video, here's what you'll need if you want to slive the shit out of this dish at home:
- Meat or "any alternative you prefer." Any meat, who cares, we're all going to die
- At least five novelty dish towels, arranged carefully on the countertop so that your guests will know that you're Allergic to Bullshit, in the same way that they're Allergic to Shellfish
- One box of Barilla-brand lasagna. Pronounce it "Burla," as Hilton does
- One pair of fingerless leather "chef's gloves" to wear as you carry your dog into the kitchen, shred mozzarella cheese, arrange the cooked noodles in a pan, and push your hair back so it doesn't ignite in the flames of the gas oven that you've never previously used
- More ricotta cheese than any one person should eat in their lifetime. "Don't use this much ricotta cheese," Hilton warns, as she uses all of the ricotta cheese.
- One large ladle, for stirring the ricotta cheese
- One lettuce knife, also for stirring the ricotta cheese
- A sense of wonder about the sheer number of cheeses that are available on the open market ("There's like so many different types," she says. "It's not normal, but it's cool")
- One large wood-handled slotted grill spatula with the tag still attached, which will be used to break up the meat as it cooks
- One potato masher, which will also be used to break up the meat as it cooks
- Table salt and pink Himalayan Salt
- One bottle of water, which will be used to wet a paper towel so you can wipe some of that salt off the meat
- One unidentified spice grinder, that you'll find in a cabinet and turn 11 times. "I love putting this much," she explains. "Eleven. Because I love 11:11. It's good luck."
- Three jars of store-bought Rao's Marinara Sauce
- One "drainer" to get rid of all the "oily stuff" in the meat
- One bottle of Paris Hilton-brand Unicorn Mist Rejuvenating Rosewater Spray to use "not near the food"
- One onion and one head of garlic that you'll forget about
- One pair of sunglasses that you would've worn if you'd remembered to chop the onion
- One pair of oven "mittens" to wear when you're handling the cold pan of unbaked lasagna
- One bottle of Neuro Trim so you can stay hydrated after stirring a bowl of cheese with a lettuce knife
"Lasagna's like very hard to make—well, actually I don't think it is, but people think it is, but it's actually really fun and really easy," she says before she puts, like, 19 pounds of meat and ricotta cheese into the oven. "But I guess it is a lot of steps compared to making toast or something."
Hilton does end up with a lasagna at the end of the video, but it's 'a lasagna' in a loose, amorphous way that requires some imagine on behalf of viewers. Regardless, she says that episode two of "Cooking With Paris" will drop next Monday. That'll give you plenty of time to wash your fingerless leather chef's gloves.