Hey Man: What Should I Do If I Start Catching Feelings After a Hook-Up?

Hey man. I'm sleeping with this person, and it's casual, but I think I'm starting to get attached. I’m not sure what I want, or what to do about these feelings.

Hey man, we’ve all been there.

It’s that fabled night where you clock eyes with someone for the first time, hit it off immediately, then spend the next week wondering whether to follow them on Instagram. It’s repetitive sexting with someone you vaguely know that turns into occasional, then monthly shags. It’s thinking differently about a friend after you’ve drunkenly slept together. 

In either case, the stakes have transcended your relationship’s original purpose. To go slimy-business on it, you’ve gone beyond your role’s remit in your mutual contract: You have – or you certainly think there’s a possibility that you could have – feelings for someone. 

So what the hell do you do about it?

Relax, that’s where this article comes in. 

I don’t tend to go all bio-chem with the answers, but this one warrants it.

“Sex releases the hormone oxytocin. It's the reason we bond and fall in love with people,” says Dr Laura Vowels, an expert advisor and principal researcher for Blueheart, a sex therapy app. Generally when our brain decides to emit this chemical, we feel empathetic, caring, and we trust people a little more. Levels of oxytocin increase when we hug or have orgasms, for instance. 

“It's completely understandable that after good sex we feel closer to someone and perhaps start having feelings for them,” says Vowels.

Given the fact that this is literal biology, “it’s very common for friends with benefits and casual sex partners to start having feelings,” adds James Thomas, relationship expert at Condoms.uk.

Of course, this leaves us with a predicament. It is quite literally within our nature to catch feelings if we’re being intimate with people. Vowels also notes that if you sleep with the same person frequently, you’ll likely “associate that release of oxytocin and the feelings it brings with that person”. So yeah, we can go from casually bonking someone to wondering whether they’d make a good parent with ease. 

Oxytocin, among other things, will make us feel like we have feelings for the person we’re fucking, but that doesn’t mean we do have feelings or that we are attached to them. So first of all, we need to suss out what’s actually on our minds. 

There’s a few ways to do this. Easiest being just have a sit and think. Grab a pen and paper if that’s your bag, or a mate and a pint, whatever. Doesn’t matter. But if you’re new to this self-reflection lark, “journaling the thoughts is a good thing to do, because you can actually read it back, plus getting it out of your head is always useful,” says relationship expert John Kenny. However you do it, racking your mind is key. You have a bunch of questions to answer. Namely: 

– Do you care about this person as much when you haven’t seen them for a little while? 

– Are they on your mind quite a lot? 

– Are you sure this isn’t just lust? 

– Are you sure you’re not just a bit lonely and are using this to fill a gap? 

– When you think about them, are you thinking about the sex or more about their personality, and that thing they said? 

See? Loads of questions. If you’re leaning toward the feelings, ask yourself whether you really want to be in a relationship at the moment. 

If you’ve realised that probably, you’re all good and it’s just fleeting thoughts when you’re there or have just left, then the current situation is likely alright. If it’s a recurring but casual hook-up you’re in, remind yourself of the initial boundaries and/or arrangement you both agreed on.

“Make it more transactional – straight in, straight out. No supplementary meals together, or time together. You’ve got to keep them at arm’s length and essentially cut off everything but the intimate sessions you’ve both agreed to,” says Thomas. 

Either way, you need to get more or less to the bottom of how you feel. Life is only going to be more difficult if you’re not clear on what you want. Which leads onto the next point… 

You know those stressful moments of not knowing how you feel about them right now? If you do the above and realise there are deeper feelings involved, and they’re not going anywhere, it means that really, this relationship has already changed a little. And you need to tell them about it. 

This is pretty simple.

“Even if you've decided you don't want anything more than casual sex in your life, but have started to get these feelings and need to detach yourself from them, you can tell the other person about that in a nice way,” says Dr Vowles.

This can be as simple as saying in person: “I don't think we can do this anymore. I think it's getting a bit confusing for me, I think it would be better if we call it off.” What often happens in these situations is, we try to either ride the feelings out or we let it fizzle out slowly instead of just saying that it isn't going to work. “I would never advocate the ghosting route, as it is usually really painful for the other person,” explains Vowels. Bonus: You’ll also feel better for speaking to them honestly about how you feel.

“I don't like the phrase ‘admonish themselves of responsibility’, but actually all you can do is be honest,” says Kelly. “If you're honest about how you're feeling and checking in with someone to see how they are, there’s less need to feel guilty then. But it's up to you to tell them how you’re feeling if you’re not totally happy with the situation.”

Thomas adds: “If you’re both catching feelings, then why not see where things lead? If it’s a bit lopsided and the other partner is really only there for the nookie, then it’s probably not a good idea to maintain the setup.”

At this point, it’s healthy to think about your relationship style. I’m not telling you to adopt abstinence until you find someone you want to bang so hard that you’ll propose to them. I’m just saying some people do not suit casual relationships at all.

Well, actually it isn’t just me saying it. Dr Vowels provides an example: “If you’re someone who's got more of an anxious attachment, where you need reassurance, casual sex is probably not going to work very well. In all likelihood, if the other person wants a causal relationship, you’re just going to end up getting hurt.”

And yes, while we might be dick-first with many thoughts, this applies to men, too. The societal expectation that men should be able to have casual sex without a hitch is a load of shite. The idea of sex and romance being interlinked isn’t answered on a gender-by-gender basis – it’s individual. But we all carry the baggage of gender norms, and given how men generally don’t open up much, we’re far more likely to go with what we think we should be doing, instead of what works for us. 

Ultimately, there’s no “not” getting attached. But there is a way of finding clarity and realising that a) your hormones are warping you a little and if you take a second to acknowledge that, all will remain the same; or b) you don’t really want to be casual, whether it’s with this person or just generally. From there, you’ll need to chat with them about the next steps: Do you “go exclusive” or are you both in different places? If you end up without the FWB, take a bit of a breather before finding another – just in case there’s more to this than wanting a shag all the time. 

@_rhysthomas_