I don't know about you, but I have the bladder strength of a pissed-up newborn baby. Sometimes I think that when I drink liquids, they don't pass through my exhibition of internal organs; rather, there is a secret tunnel, like a water slide, with a direct link to the tip of my goddamned dick. I get pretty tired of the rigmarole of pissing. I can't believe we have Snapchat filters that turn you into a centaur or whatever but I still have to leak urine out of myself with little control over when and where I do it. I don't really want to be doing anything that a primordial human also did. I don't draw tits on a cave wall with my blood and shit, so I don't really feel like doing this either.
Thank god, then, that a charitable genius has invented the HeWee Go. Created by Custom Divers a couple of years ago, purveyors of all things diving, the HeWee allows the user to insert his penis into a tube and dribble his ammonia water in a tear-resistant pouch. Quite why divers, people underwater in the sea, AKA the only place other than a toilet that it's socially acceptable to piss without guilt or reprimand, would need such a device is a point of confusion, but hey, who am I to say?
Other than pissing next to some crabs in the ocean, you wonder whether using this apparatus in real-life settings would be awkward. Could you really be comfortable sitting in a restaurant with a friend, knowing that at any point he could be pissing into a bag? Watching a film at the cinema? Guy's pissing mere centimetres from you. But when you go to a toilet cubicle, you sometimes have to bear horrible witness to the tempest of farts and turds bellowing out of the guy in the stall next door, brown nuggets clattering mutely against the inner bowl like fecal dodgems – and it's really no different from that. It's a lot better, actually. I hate when I have to listen to that. It makes me sick.
The device is available for £89. Get one so you can stare your dad in the eye over a Sunday roast while you piss your pants, and he's none the wiser.
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