FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Entertainment

R-PATZ IS ON HIS WAY

Against all odds, two different writers have submitted Twilight-related pieces today. This is odd because: a) Why would anyone assume I would want to read them? And b) Today might be the first day I would ever want to read them, because today we launched our film blog. Anyway, both of the blogs are funny, and I know it will please the marketing guys who want the Twilight-pound and who probably like Twilight anyway, so I'm going to put them both up. Here's the first one (it includes this picture of Robert Pattinson).

Advertisement

I don't get Twilight. I've never seen the movie and I've never read the books. I never read Harry Potter either; I was more of a A Series of Unfortunate Events girl myself, which made me more 4real than my peers. I'd sit in the corner during show and tell, peering over my Lemony Snicket in a beret, smoking black Sobranies, hissing at the other kids.

I went to a New Moon fan event last week, where fans flocked to a purpose-built complex in Battersea Park to see five minutes of the new film and a Q&A with the cast, which, we overheard, was scripted.

We soon realised, before the party had even started in fact, that we'd underestimated the scale of the whole thing. Check out who we bumped into on the red carpet – only Newton fucking Faulkner, folk sensation and all round beautiful human being!

Look at me! Rubbing shoulders with the stars!

Hey look! It's Ipso Facto! Or Gaggle! It's someone anyway. To continue the musical theme, we then went to catch up with Band of Skulls, who wrote some songs that are played in the film.

Vice: Cheer up, guys! So what are your thoughts on Twilight?
BOS: It terrifies us because it's so powerful. We hope they don't put any bad things in the second film because you never know what people will do. If someone does something in Twilight, some kid might go out and do the same.

Apparently in the second movie someone gnaws a baby out of a girl's womb.
That's just one step up from a water birth, really. You never know what they'll come up with in a year.

Advertisement

There's also a Hispanic actress who is painted white.
(Silence.)

Thanks BOS!

Back in the main room, everyone was getting totally pumped because Alex Zane announced from outside that R-Patz was on his way! R-Patz is the nickname for Robert Pattison, who plays the hunk in the movie. Obviously.

Robsessed! Why don't any men like Twilight?

We had just enough time to sneak into the 'Talent Area' before the cast did their fake Q&A. When we got there, the supposed talent consisted of Nick Grimshaw and a few of his gal-pals. Whoop de fuckin' doo. Where was R-Patz?

This is the closest we could get to R-Patz. It's all Jamie's fault.

This is the fake Q&A. It was supposed to be previously gathered questions from the fans, but every real question was probably just a slutty marriage proposal, so someone stepped in with some really boring fake ones like, "Has your life changed since Twilight?"

I was screaming from the side of the stage, "THE QUESTIONS ARE FAKE!! R-PATZ, DON'T LISTEN TO GRIMMY," but no one heard/cared.

Living the dream.

When the cast left the stage, they put on a clip of the new film to distract everyone while the talent made their escape. Robert Pattison is pretty mesmerising I guess.

There were also dancers and dudes dressed as vampires lingering around as the event came to a close.

We stayed till the end, stuffing our faces and crying because we hadn't met R-Patz. One day…

BILLIE JD