Drinking is overrated, and hangovers are just about the most boring thing of all time. So, for those of you strong enough to push through the suffering, or perhaps miraculously possessed of the willpower to abstain, here’s a little sugar for you. Austin is located on top of the Edwards Aquifer, a limestone escarpment brimming with cool water looking for places to rush to the surface. So first things first, get ye to the springs!
Barton Springs (2101 Barton Springs Road) This giant spring-fed pool is one of the greatest swimming spots in the world. Ducks, bass, crawfish, and double-crested cormorants splash alongside lap swimmers and topless babes. Go early in the day, before the crowds, and take a float. Barton Springs is the undisputed gem of Austin. Do not miss it because you are hungover or lazy. Its 68-degree spring water will chase away the nastiest case of the brown-bottle flu before you have a chance to catch your breath. Deep Eddy Pool (2315 Lake Austin Blvd.) This more-traditional spring-fed spot on the banks of the Colorado River is the oldest swimming pool in Texas. With cold water, grassy slopes, and huge trees, it may even be more of a draw than the Springs. Not quite as much eye candy for voyeurs, but it’s magically located just behind the Deep Eddy Cabaret, where you can stop for a beer to ease your way back to reality. Stacy Pool (800 E. Live Oak) The place to swim during cold weather. Heated by a natural hot spring, it was built by the WPA in the 1930s, in a time when the government spent money on projects that promoted fun. Sorry, conservatives. It’s not big, and there’s not a lot of shade, but it’s still popular with lap swimmers and the hippie nudist crowd. The University of Texas (Guadalupe and 23rd) Since SXSW occurs during spring break, a walk on the huge, breezy campus built of limestone and live oaks offers a nice diversion. If you like wandering, wander beneath the 307-feet-tall tower where Charles Joseph Whitman made his name. In the summer of 1966, disguised as a University employee, he climbed to the observation deck with a cache of weapons, including a rifle and a sawed-off shotgun. After killing a few folks along the way, he began shooting people all over the campus from the sniper’s nest to end all sniper’s nests. Whitman killed 13 people and wounded 33 in the hour and a half that still stands as Austin’s most tragic. UT has perhaps the premiere humanities repository of the Western world. The sheer breadth and depth of the Henry Ransom Center’s literary and artistic collections is staggering: a Guttenberg Bible, the first photograph ever taken, Franz Kline paintings, and the archived papers of virtually any great writer you can name. How did they corner the market on all this stuff? With money. Because Texas’s vast oil revenues go straight to the university coffers, they’re able to outbid anyone. The liberal northeastern arts-and-letters crowd is not particularly stoked, but I kinda doubt Texans give a shit. Also on campus is LBJ’s presidential library, where you can hear the world’s greatest politician lambasting pretty much everybody of his day in language that would make the devil himself blush. His superfine bulletproof Cadillac is parked right in the middle of the place, like he just rolled up. If you want the complete UT-Austin experience, walk down to Old Dirty Martin’s Kum-Bak Burgers (2808 Guadalupe) and have an OT Special with onion rings. The Bats (Congress Ave. and the Colorado River) In 1980, the rebuilding of the Congress Avenue Bridge created a magnificent bat roost. They usually arrive in formation around mid-March from Mexico. Simply stand on the bridge before sunset and wait. It is almost unimaginable how black the sky gets as they head out for their nightly feed. And the hotter it is, the crazier they become. Pray to your dark master for heat, enthusiasts. Town Lake Metropolitan Park (Colorado River between Congress Ave. and Lamar Blvd.) With more than ten miles of trails skirting the river, the Town Lake greenbelt is a healthy alternative to sitting in a dingy motel room while your British publishing buddy mumbles about his girlfriend’s ass. On the south side there is a life-size statue of Stevie Ray Vaughn, the Texas guitar legend who would knock back a shot of vodka infused with a gram of coke every night before going onstage. Texans know when someone deserves recognition. The Capitol of Texas Building (Congress Ave. at 11th) This Texas institution was built entirely by prison labor. What happened to those good old days of chain gangs cutting and stacking massive slabs of granite all the livelong day? You used to be able to wander in and out of the place 24 hours a day and play hide and seek in the legislative parlors, but I wouldn’t advise that anymore, especially if you have one of those hipster Commie beards. The Texas Rangers tend to shoot first and ask cultural-profiling questions later. It was intentionally built to be bigger than the United States Capitol Building. Fuckin’ Texans. Mount Bonnell (3800 Mt. Bonnell Drive) This is the highest public vantage point in town and has been popular with looky-loos since before the War of Northern Aggression. At 800 feet above the Colorado River, it is a great place to get up on the weed and watch some sunsets. Also, if the weather’s bad, it’s perfect for watching lightning bounce off the cell-phone towers in the distance. Austin has electrical storms so infernal, Nikola Tesla would turn green with envy if he weren’t already green with death. Go west on 35th until you can’t go no more, veer left on Old Bull Creek Road, then turn right on Mt. Bonnell Drive. Quack’s 43rd Street Bakery (411 E. 43rd) This coffee/sandwich shop is a time portal to the glorious days when no one in Austin worked. It’s also in a cool little neck of the woods that could’ve been Williamsburg if Austinites gave a shit. Waterloo Records (Corner of 6th. and Lamar) Founded in 1982 with the slogan “Where Music Still Matters.” Today it’s arguably the best independent record store in America, and most days they have free beer. Dart Bowl (5700 Grover Ave.) If the weather is uncooperative, this bowling alley—loaded with kitschy-cum-seedy characters and a café serving pretty solid cheese enchiladas—is a nice alternative, if you like bowling.