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Ocho Misbehavin'

2012 started off OK for Chad Johnson, née Ochocinco, but nothing has been going right since his divorce—he's even lost his coconut water endorsement. So what should he do? The smart (read: stupid) money is on him joining the Jets and Tim Tebow, because...
August 19, 2012, 1:27pm

2012 was going so well for Chad Johnson, née Ochocinco. In February, he appeared in the first Super Bowl of his career as a member of the runner-up New England Patriots, who "rewarded" his efforts by releasing him in June. However, fortune shined again on the former Oregon State Beaver, who was quickly snatched up by the division rival Dolphins. The 34-year-old Johnson was now primed to rejuvenate his career in Miami and regain his six-time Pro Bowl form that made him so successful during his time with the Bengals. The signing was followed by an Independence Day wedding to former “Dancing With The Stars” contestant Eva Lozada, which was live-tweeted by the social media superstar. A reality show on respected cable channel Video Hits One (VH1) was the cherry on top. And then it all came crashing down.


It started innocently enough, just a little Twitter beef with “Handsome Ass Nigga” The Game over something that has yet to be really determined. Then the shit really hit the fan when Johnson channeled his inner Dynamite Kid and (allegedly) headbutted his wife, catching a domestic violence beef and spending a night in the hut. The altercation occurred when Mrs. Johnson found a receipt for a box of condoms in Ocho’s whip. She filed for divorce after only 41 days of marriage, which, if you’re keeping tabs at home, is 31 fewer than Kim Kardashian and what’s his face.

VH1, in an attempt to preserve their image as purveyors of highe quality entertainment, quickly pulled the plug on the reality series. However, Johnson would get one more chance to appear on the boob tube, this time suffering the embarrassment of being cut by new Dolphins coach Joe "Regis" Philbin in front of the (premium-cable-subscribing) world on HBO’s “Hard Knocks.” Johnson was contrite in the shitcanning, and afterwards did the only normal thing, which was showing his remorse in an apology through his own personal news network, OCNN. And, as if it couldn’t get any worse, this week a local Boston lass claimed that she had an affair with Johnson through the winter.

As more and more shit gets added to the pile (Ocho just lost his coconut water endorsement—I’m dead fucking serious) it’s no wonder that there is some speculation that his may be the end of Johnson’s career, at least as an NFL wide receiver. It’s a compelling argument, but one I disagree with. Ochocinco has one landing spot in the NFL, and, indeed, it’s time to take the Ocho Show on the road. And what better place for the first stop than the circus that is the New York J-E-T-S?

Just imagine the possibilities. The Jets, already having brawled in practice, are in need of a wide receiver. New addition and all-around creep Tim Tebow can do his GQ photo spread justice and play the actual saviour to Ocho both off and on the field, getting Chad on the straight and narrow while increasing his number of touches. Come to think of it, if the scouts are right and Johnson’s lost his hands, there is no way he’s going to be able to haul in Timothy Richard’s wobbly-ass passes. Ocho, still has his feet, though, so if he can get separation in the open field—and he can—he should therefore get enough time to adjust to whatever piece of biblical garbage ”Teebs” has thrown up to the heavens. Hands are wasted on a Tebow wide receiver, anyways.

Ocho’s legwork will come in handy since head coach Rex Ryan loves, and I mean FUCKING LOVES a good pair of feet. (Remember?) That said, it’s not a home run. Thirty-four is ancient for a wideout, so he’s probably going to be cut, again. By Rex. It’ll be incredible. Think about it: week five, Ocho finally gets cut. Philbin really let everyone down by trying to be the nice guy. Rex will have none of that. His fat face will be covered in sweaty red splotches as he curses Ocho up and down for never inviting him to one of his exclusive parties at the 40/40 club and for not catching Tebow’s terrible, depressing passes. Chad might cry.

Unfortunately, sources close to the Jets shot down the rumor in June, saying the organization has nothing more than a remote interest in Chad Johnson. If that’s the case, it may be a while before we see Ochocinco in the NFL again. In the meantime, the Toronto Argonauts are hiring.