It's getting to be that we can't get through one single election campaign in this country without getting pepper-sprayed with mesmerizingly bad election videos.
And, I guess, Newfoundland—our greatest province—wouldn't be any different.
Meet Beth Crosbie. She's the Progressive Conservative candidate in Virginia Waters-Pleasantville.
She's also the daughter of former cabinet minister and prominent Newfoundland-inhabitant John Crosbie, and brother of failed Conservative candidate Ches Crosbie, who got barred from running after he played MacHarper in a clunkily written Shakespeare parody.
This Crosbie is starring in her very own weird videos that put the "uuuuh" back in "uuuuhriginal."
The first video opens on a familiar Canadian election premise—Crosbie has been kidnapped by her election opponents and is being held, sealskin coat and all, in a dimly lit "ball pit." (There are no balls present.)
Her nefarious opponents (Liberals!) have some vague and open-ended questions for her, like "Why are you running for Virginia Waters-Pleasantville?" "But why run NOW?!" and "So you're a fighter, eh? WHAT ARE YOU FIGHTING FOR?!"
These dastardly bastards they won't let her leave until she answers all those questions. (She then leaves of her own accord after about a minute.)
Thirty seconds into the video, Crosbie drops some goddamn knowledge.
"I'm a Crosbie, we don't pick pick easy battles—we pick the ones that need to be fought because it's in the best interests of Newfoundland and Labrador" which is pretty much the worst family motto of all time.
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After that audio-visual hallucinatory train wreck, Crosbie already cemented her standing in the most-WTF campaign ads hall-of-fame—alongside the BC dragon-slayer, Ron Planche, and our own fucked-up campaign ad remixes.
But wait, it doesn't stop there. Crosby made another video.
Walking into her office, where a tiny man appears to be playing the fiddle on her desk, Crosby puts down her overly-large dictionary. She has work to do.
Crosby opens to her favourite chapter of the dictionary: the Cs. She takes a picture of a word that she really likes: Committed. Then it's on to the ol' Rs. Responsible. Back to the As: Accessible. Es! Engaged. As again: Accountable.
Tiny violin man plays on. His name is Doug.
BETH CROSBIE: Responsive, Engaged, Accountable, Committed, Accessible. (REACA for short.)
Doug plays on, as the Microsoft Movie Maker 2004 graphics stay on the screen, reaching deep into your soul to say: "REACA! REACA!"
Crosbie is on track, like almost every other non-Liberal candidate in the province, to lose badly. Like, really badly.
But she's made a lasting mark.
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