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Vice Blog

OUR KING IS A JACKASS

The king of Sweden, Carl Gustaf Folke Hubertus Bernadotte, currently finds himself in a pretty sticky situation. Last week Carl XVI: The Reluctant Monarch [writer's own translation - ed.] was released in Sweden. The book details possible royal scandals involving the king and his supposed actions, which range from embarrassing and generally un-royal to downright dangerously stupid.

It's no secret that the king's mental capacities have never commanded much respect, and Thomas Sjöberg, Deanne Rauscher, and Tove Meyer, the authors of the book, don't disagree. Some of the faux pas they say the king is guilty of are:

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Employing "Setter Uppers" - Guys who pay chicks to hang out with him. Not prostitutes (although that has possibly happened too), just party girls, so that the king has someone to drop it like it's hot with. You can't do that with the queen of Sweden, duh.

A Year Long Affair With a Female Music Artist - During the 90s, which is when the supposed affair took place, she was the leader of one of the campy-ist eurodisco trios the world has ever seen.

Going to Speakeasies - Because of the restrictive alcohol policies in Sweden, speakeasies (or "black clubs" (not a racist thing) as they're known in Sweden) flourish. Even the king knows that's where the real party's at. And since he's the king of Sweden he gets to go to the best black clubs, which, it should be mentioned, are run by the mafia.

Having Shady Security Guys - All of his security people (which are from SÄPO, the Swedish equivalent to the FBI) knew about this. Having a king associate himself with organized crime is a bad thing. SÄPO's solution? To put a lid on it.

Going to Strip Clubs - One of which being the Gold Club in Atlanta, which the king is said to have visited during the Olympics. Spending a few hours with a stripper cost him $10 000, and tipping was another $2 000. It's not even that big a tip!

So the big question is: is it true? Or at least that's what the big question should be, if it were a "question" at all. You see, to anyone who's lived anywhere near the king (ie. in or around Stockholm) over the past 20 years, this is all mainly old news. Not even journalists question these facts. It's the oldest gossip around--the clubs, the chicks, the affair--but no one wanted to get on the king's bad side, so nobody spilled. Just imagine something like that in England!

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Now nobody wants to be the doofus who pretends like they didn't know all along, so, instead, the only thing anyone questions is the fact that the book has been published at all. The general stand amongst royalists is that we shouldn't talk about all the shit the king's been up to, which is a weird criticism, since we wouldn't have to talk about if he wasn't doing it.

By now the king himself is probably the only person in Sweden who hasn't actually read the book--it sold out in a few days. The publisher offered him a chance to read it right before it was published but, since it's elk season, he decided to go hunting instead. Upon his return after a good day in the forest, he was met with media frenzy. Even he couldn't be bothered with denying all the rumors, so he told the press things like, "Um, I haven't read the book and, um… so I can't answer your questions." And then, "I've talked to my family and the Queen. We're turning a page and now we're looking ahead instead. From what I understand, these are situations in a distant past. It's going to be nice," he said in his regular vague but ditzy manner, and then fucked off to China or somewhere.

Is it just us, or does that sound like someone who can't imagine that the claims of this book are even remotely as bad as they could be? Our guess is that there is plenty more where all this came from, and now that the lid is off, we can't wait for it all to come flooding out! Finally, there's purpose to the old git.

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Here are some of our personal favorites amongst the king of Sweden's past scandals:

- Playing darts with Swedish Nazis

- Opposing his first-born daughter inheriting the throne. (He argued it would be too hard for her.)

- Smoking during the Nobel dinner and trying to hide it. He failed, because his lips were so dry.

- Hunting absolutely sloshed.

ELIN UNNES