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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - CANADA DAY BUMMER

This guy named Jon Feldman has a Canada Day party at Mama's Bar (3rd and B) every year for Canadian ex-pats living in New York. This year started out fairly bad: there was a $5 cover at the door, Mama's was hot, the poutine used shredded cheese instead of curds, and there appeared to be a ton of Quebs there wearing fleur de lys shirts. Now, I'm a separatist as much as the next guy but it's more in a "this lazy ass has been living in our basement for 400 years and now he wants to move out and get a job—good" kind of way rather than a "Quebec would thrive without us let them blossom" kind of way. The point is, what the fuck were they doing there? That's like someone who's mad they didn't get invited to your birthday party showing up and putting their fingers in the cake. Actually, that's almost exactly what happened.

At about 10:30 PM a national anthem spontaneously begun. That was nice. But around the time of "God keep our land," people started to fade out. I guess they thought they weren't getting enough support so they thought, "Fuck it. I'll try again later." This is unacceptable so I went to the bar, stood on the edge of someone's stool and started again from scratch, "Oh Canada, our home and native land, true patriot love in all thy Son's command…" This pulled in, oh about three people or so. The 197 others just stood there staring at each other wondering if it's too arrogant to sing the national anthem at a Canada Day party. Another reason the Canucks caved was the fucking frogs (one of whom was a young girl sitting on the same bar stool I was standing on) were screaming some St. Jean anthem at the same time. I tried yelling the anthem right at their faces and even screamed FERME TES GUELLES!! but no luck. The Canadian ex-pats did what Canadians always do, sullenly shy away from the bullies and let the anthem fade out. What in the motherfuck is wrong with Canadians? I stormed out in a rage and spent the rest of the night beating myself up for not slapping those bitches in the face.
In a way it was the perfect Canada Day because it summed up the history of our great land. Cowering in fear from the French and happily throwing our flag in the garbage to appease some spoiled brats.