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Sports

SPIRIT OF THE WORLD CUP: RACIST CORPORATE VIOLENCE

Much like Kellogg's ketamine cornflakes, you have to promise me that if you read this blog you absolutely, positively, won't buy any of the products it mentions. People who send terrible garbage into Vice generally fall into one of two categories. Type one thinks that we're the kind of people who are excited by burlesque, or team-bondage for bankers, or erotic magicians, or rent-a-gimp companies--basically the kind of boring suburban crap that Bizarre Magazine treats like the Roswell landing.

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Type two, as previously explained, do it because they hope we'll hate it enough to blog about how stupid it is. They also think you're so dumb and dead inside that irony is to you what brand-loyalty was to your gran. They believe that if you hate something strongly enough, you'll actually go and buy it. They think you're consumer masochists.

The company who sent me this crap very clearly belong to category two. In addition to making all your purchasing decisions on the basis of what you dislike, they also apparently think you're sadistic racists. They sent us these little sock voodoo dolls which I imagine the press release describe as "twisted." Each doll represents a different nation in the World Cup and the idea is that you torture the dolls and that causes the teams to loose. Great, right?

Put Argentina's head in a vise! Yeah, fuck you, you Argie fucks. Fuck Simeone for making us hate David Beckham and fuck you for making Thatcher look bad. I hate you so much I want to crush your skull until your brains come out of it.

I'm going to stab you in the fucking head, Holland, you fucking flat-land-dwelling pseudo-Nazis (probably).

Yeah! I'm burning the French alive and I feel great! Burn you fucking bastards! Carla Bruni looks old and haggard and you know it.

Yeah, everyone's always wanted to hang Brazil, right? Oh no, no we don't. This is just weird and horrid.

RAMBERT RUMBOLD