FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

News

WHY IS THIS MEXICAN PUNK NINJA IN HIGH SCHOOL?

There are many, many Mexican restaurants in my neighborhood, but only one I ever see other people at, so that's the one I go to. Despite the fact that I once peered into the kitchen and saw all the cooks eating McDonald's. Besides serving food that their own makers won't eat, this restaurant also has a pair of gigantic JBL speakers like you'd rent for a wedding above the drink fridge that are constantly blasting ranchero music so loud you can't hear someone when they're sitting directly across the table and kind of shouting at you. They've also got a giant TV which is the only thing to devote your attention to since it's too loud to speak. Last night I was in there when this show about a fat Mexican punk came on. I have no clue what its deal was, but I do have some generous hunches I'd like to share with you.

Advertisement

Punk bullfrog wants to go on a date with this woman whose dress looks like it was colored with highlighter dye. She won't do it because he's just some punk creep and she's dating the BMOC at their school.

Frog Punk confers with his pal, who looks like a chubbier version of Mole from

Windy City Heat

, about how to win the queen of the school. By the way, I'm about 98.7 percent certain that this takes place in a high school despite the fact that no one in the cast looks under 30. Also fairly positive it's not supposed to be a comedy, in case that's your theory.

Mole tells Fat-Wattie that what's-her-name will never date him, so he pulls out his nunchucks and threatens him. I don't know why he's so scared about having them pressed under his chin, it's not like they're loaded.

Eventually the punk guy throws the mustache guy at the hood of that car and pulls out his nunchucks again after having taken them in and out of his waistband several times.

Then he does a ninja dance with his weapon.

Uh oh, here comes a straight-laced hall monitor with a giant red comb tucked into his pants. This ought to be good.

Interrupted mid-chuck, fat punk guy diverts his rage against the drip right as neon vomit dress shows back up on the, wait, are they on someone's stoop?

So then she's all over the mormon kid and punker decides to knock him one while he's being convalesced. I know, looking at these stills now even I am thinking "this is probably a cheap

Sabado Gigante

, but based on the pacing and facial expressions and everything else, I would bet you pounds of my flesh that this was not written to be hilarious.

Then the uncoolest guy of all time shows up with a woman in leopard-print overalls and that's when my awful burrito showed up so I stopped watching. Please help me. This has been eating at my brain worse than said burrito has at my intestinal lining. NICHOLAS GAZIN