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Vice Blog

CHICAGO - FASHION POLICE

Next to priest gossip and proximotelepathic gossip, cop gossip is easily the sweetest gossip on Earth. That's where you learn things like where the good crack corners are, which precinct's desk officer is the biggest dick (in NYC it's the guy with the mohawk at the 88th), and that "Wick-a-Dyk" is a funny thing to call some guy in the Bronx. If you frequent places like the NYPD rant board and this guy's blog, you're probably already aware that the various fuzzes are all expecting some kind of ruckus tomorrow night, on account of Obama's election/rejection (and blackness). You also probably know that cops HATE when they can't wear cargo pants, aka Patrol Tactical Pants. Well, it looks like things in Illinois are brewing into the perfect storm of police rage. Not only are Chicago's finest being told to expect 12-hour patrol shifts monitoring the post-tally festivities, but according to commenter number two on this post, they're going to have to do it in 80/20 pants and those ritzy checkerboard hats. Needless to say, dudes is pissed.

"Cargo pants and ball caps are part of the uniform," says one anonymous cop, before (juicily) adding, "Who cares if that idiot segway riding deputy don't like them what r they going to do send everyone home who doesn't come in the right uniform?"

"Next, they'll be telling me I have to wear our gay shiny hats that will be easily lost including the shield. That will make a great souviner [sic] for a rioter and I'll get 3 days for it from Jody," chimes in another, while a third boldly declares, "Ill take the day suspension for being out of uniform. Big bird, come write me up in the middle of the shit you coward m*therf*cker," leaving us to ponder both the identities of Big Bird and Jody and why someone who just typed the word "shit" would omit the O in "mother."

Anyways, aside from an interesting foray into the merits of taping the inside of your windshield to safeguard against bricking, the rest of the responses continue in kind. We'd like to offer Chicago's patrolmen our commiseration, having been made to wear itchy dress trousers and and clip-on ties to church and funerals numerous times from the age of 5-11. We're worried, however, that it might ring a little hollow as in none of these instances were we also given guns. Nevertheless, best of luck with the pants.

PS: Can you believe that the rear doors of a cop car just have child safety locks? I assumed they had some sort of fancy cops-only locking apparatus.