Ever since I was a toddler I’ve dreamt of having a video go viral on YouTube. Guess what? It finally happened! Last weekend I was in Pensacola, Florida, hoping to watch the Blue Angels air show, which is a remarkably cool event. If you ever have a chance to witness it be sure to catch every minute. While we were having a nice time sipping some summer cocktails and watching the spectators on the beach we noticed the weather begin to change very quickly. Down the coast to the west side we saw what looked like the Nothing from The NeverEnding Story coming our way. Everyone with me knew that as soon as the weather hit there would be pandemonium on the beach and all of the umbrellas and tents would start flying away…I anticipated comedy gold, but did not realize how startling and terrifying it would all be. When the squall hit the beachgoers lost their minds and started running in every possible direction (some morons even took to the water). I got my camera out and waited for the perfect shot. The umbrellas started toppling down the beach like tumbleweeds and I tracked them. It quickly became a spectator sport and we probably should have been placing bets on which unlucky soul got skewered first. It looked like a mound of ants fleeing a child with a can of bug spray. In the best shot I got (the one that is circulating the internet now) I was shocked that the woman was merely "clobbered" by the 10-foot umbrella and not speared through the heart. In the end four people were hit by lightning, multiple buildings were struck, and one person was actually speared, but I wasn’t around to record any of that (everyone is still alive, I think).The action itself is funny, but I think it’s our wide-eyed, gladiator-watching commentary that really makes the video. The sheer excitement of seeing someone get pummeled by a flying object is enough to bring joy to the hearts of thousands, but as I said at the end of the clip, "This is the most dangerous thing I’ve ever seen." It really was wildly scary! And c’mon‚Ķ maybe it’s not the most dangerous, but I don’t remember the last time I sat on a perch and waited in fevered anticipation to watch 10 to 20 people die before my eyes. Call me sheltered, but I haven’t witnessed a live execution and I mean in-person‚Ķ not the fucking internet or Faces of Death or whatever people like to watch in Indiana these days.I knew I had something that had the chance of hitting critical mass and fantasized about getting some extreme viral activity out of it but didn’t fully realize the potential of my footage. I hurriedly uploaded the video to YouTube without any watermarks or self-identification and tried to send it to the local news, but the connection was weak and it never made it through. I assume others began searching for some footage of the storm and the clip started getting a decent amount of hits. That evening the local newspaper found the video and stuck it on their homepage. The next morning my dad woke me up with the Sunday paper, which featured a story on the storm and used three stills from my video. He bought three copies of the paper for me as keepsakes, bless him. I kept a close eye on the views throughout the next day, making my way back to New York. The hits kept rising but I noticed a few copied videos uploaded from other users. I commented on them or sent messages to take them down, letting them know that I was the originator of the video but no one really responded. In the description of my video I put "**ORIGINAL VIDEO**" or something similar because that seems to be what other users do, but I’ve found that it doesn’t do jack shit.The next day the video had upwards of 8,000 hits. Some of the comments I received were about how funny the video is or the wildness of the storm, but the majority harp on that last "dangerous" comment I made and everyone keeps calling me a pussy! That cracks me up to no end. I can’t count the amount of commenters who said something like, "What a pussy, that dude needs to get out more" or "Take off your rollerblades and helmet" or whatever. The reality was that I was having a gnarly time at the beach while most of these people were yentaing over some other bullshit on the internet! If you care about something enough to comment on a website then I just don’t understand you. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you my favorite quip: "Most dangerous thing you’ve ever seen? Try having bullets whiz past your head in a firefight." Retards.On Tuesday I found out that it was posted on dozens of other sites—people had ripped my prized video and uploaded it all over the place. It was featured on the front page of Break.com, which I guess is some big deal and is supposed to result in a few bucks for the uploader. I was so pissed at this development—this genius crafting of mine ripped from my hands and passed around town like a pro bono whore by a bunch of nerdy internet pimps who were making MY money! I wrote to Break and told them someone else had uploaded my video and I wanted it taken down or credit given to me. Strangely they quickly obliged, had me upload it myself, and switched all of the hits (220,000 or so) over to me! I guess it’s not that strange. Apparently most of these online video companies take copyrights very seriously as the DMCA pretty much regulates their business. I felt accomplished, prideful, and victorious to see all of these views and comments attributed directly to me, however, the good vibes quickly faded when I realized it really didn’t make much of a difference. I have no real authorship in the video, my name or face isn’t shown anywhere, and I stand to make little to no profit from it.The next day Break offered $400 for ownership and rights to the video or $200 to feature it on their front page. I have yet to write them back but I plan to retain the rights (You never know what could happen, right?). After Break the stream turned into a waterfall that soaked the internet. Countdown with Keith Olbermann featured it during their oddball segment on MSNBC, Collegehumor.com picked it up, it was on the front page of Funnyordie.com, and then real kicker happened last Friday when the video was on MySpace’s homepage. It was such a joy to know that every user who signed into MySpace would have my video forced through his or her retinas, but I knew the fallout would be tons of 15-year-old sociopaths making fun of me while they waited for porn to download in another window. For some reason it was the last straw. I wrote the guy who posted it and angrily told him that I was having it taken down and he ripped me off‚Ķ blah blah blah. I tried to take the high road but was just infuriated I couldn’t control myself. He wrote back something like, "You’re just sad you’re not getting the hits [he was right] and that he uploaded it first, etc., etc." Holy hell, the nerve! After a few rounds of arguing we both apologized, said it was retarded, and he agreed to pass along any offers he received for it. Unexpectedly, he did: Some Japanese TV company sent a message asking for funny YouTube clips to air on one of their shows. Selected videos net the owner $500, but I question how I would know if my video was chosen or not as I’m not checking out Japanese cable on a regular basis. I wrote to MySpace about copyright infringement and received a whole host of petitions to fill out and paperwork to file to their lawyer—basically far too much work for little to no gain.That rounded out the week and very little has happened since. I really wanted to see the video reach 1 million hits by the end of this week but MySpace is only showing around 550,000. I’m completely over it. I don’t care who rips it, where it’s shown, or who is offered money. It just doesn’t make much of a difference and I think that’s the lesson I learned about viral videos. If they’re not self-promoting (i.e., created by an ad agency), or if you’re not good at self-promotion then the video will be consumed and destroyed by the public. Mass population spreads the video and they also kill it—the window for internet fame is a flash. Viral videos are funny and that’s about it. End of story.JOHN MCSWAIN
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