FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Vice Blog

NEW YORK - DEBATE LIVEBLOG


OK, here's how this is going to work. We know we've sort of been giving short shrift to this year's election on the blog. Well, tonight we are going to make up for lost time by sitting down with you and watching the presidential debates online. I'm sure you've seen one of these "liveblog" dealies before--they've got them for TV shows and hippie festivals and abortions. You just refresh the page every couple of minutes and see if anything new has been added since the last time you clicked. It's like a chat room, but slower and less fun.

Advertisement

This may be our first little foray into the world of LBing (we just made that term up), but we guarantee our LB is going to be so much more insightful and up-to-the-minute than all those other LBs out there, they might as well be running one of those monk-writing operations like they had in the 12th century. Shit, that was pretty clunky. It's hard to come up with good analogies on the fly. Anyways, I'm sure we'll slip into a groove after a few minutes. We've got our card reader plugged in, we all just took a shit, and we've got a little cooler of beers by the couch so no one has to get up and miss any of the action. I'd say we're about set to do this fucker. Ready? Here we go…

-8:46: Is anybody running this thing? Seriously, I've got girl-wrestling, bull-riding, one of those overproduced crime shows, that fucking Jeff Foxworthy thing, and baseball. Even PBS is doing something about the financial crisis. Maybe we should have done this somewhere with cable, or at least C-Span.

-8:50: Wait, ABC's got something preliminary with the candidates.

-8:52: Whatever, this is crap. Oh they've got a photoshop of McCain in the oval office. Ooooh, hard-hitting. Going back to wrestling.

-8:55: They're already at number five? Who is watching all these Saw movies besides that kid who shot up his school?

-8:57: God, how many more of these is Guy Ritchie going to shit out? They should get him to direct the next Saw.

Advertisement

-8:58: I need to get better about the QC, those last two entries are already making me regret this whole deal. Maybe I should just wait until things get under way.

-9:00: Now we're talking. Man that is one homely crowd. That woman over Lehrer's right shoulder looks like the hamster woman from that old Don't.

-9:01: Oh man, I bet all the other LBs are going off about how McCain just pulled out of that handshake early. Fucking vultures.

-9:05: Bullshit, you can't use rebuttal to drag up Ted Kennedy being sick and thank the host. Wanna work Travis Barker and that tazer guy in there too?

-9:07: "End of the beginning," that was some real rhetorical… something… manship. Crap. Sorry.

-9:08: Wokka fucking wokka, Jim.

-9:10: That'd be pretty rad to have a copy of that Eisenhower resignation letter McCain just mentioned. Scott from Crom was telling me about how a friend of his once handed him a butcher knife and said "Guess what you're holding? The knife Susan Atkins used to stab Sharon Tate." Obviously the Tate knife trumps the Ike letter, but it'd still be great to have framed somewhere, like one of those Dewey Beats Truman papers. Didn't John Waters once say he had some letter from Manson or someone that he keeps in a drawer, because it's too spooky? Maybe it was a painting.

-9:15: Shit, I totally zoned out on the debates typing that last thing.

-9:18: McCain seems to be doing pretty all right right now, he's getting into it. Whoa, is the "uh uh uh uh uh" interruption really a valid rhetorical strategy? I was under the impression these debates were an "Each guy takes his turn" sort of deal.

Advertisement

-9:20: Did McCain just suggest that Ireland is stealing all our business because of low taxes? All due credit for steering clear of an easy target, but I don't think you're really going to work the bargoers of Tees Valley, WV into a furor over "Those damn micks." Wrong century, genius.

-9:25: TeAys Valley. Tees is in Britain.

-9:27: Hahahaha, "We've got to make sure our children are keeping pace with Chinese astronauts." Good one, Barack.

-9:29: Wait, they built a $400 million ship called the "Literal Combat Ship"?

-9:30: Oh littoral. I should really take a minute and google these things before I let rip.

-9:33: Isn't McCain sort of shooting himself in the foot by saying that the money we're spending abroad is ending up the hands of terrorists? I might have missed a key word or phrase (just opened a beer), but it seems like if your opponent is calling to cut spending in Iraq "But that money's going to the terrorists" isn't a prudent rejoinder.

-9:37: Again with the "uh uh uh uh" from Obama. More like Obnoxiama.

-9:42: Not sure what I missed, just went to take a piss break. Sounds like they're still talking about Iraq. Anything cool happen?

-9:43: Hmmm, here's a better question: Is anybody reading this? Speak up in the comments if you're out there.

-9:45: Helloooooooooooo?

-9:49: What? How is it any easier to keep the Times site up and streaming in a separate browser than to have a TV on? Also, not to get all freshman media studies here, but you can't just isolate the spoken portion of the debate from its visual counterparts and feel like you're getting the full experience. Kennedy vs. Nixon and all that, etc.

Advertisement

-9:54: Wow, "You don't say that outloud. If you have to do things you have to do things."

-9:55: Hey, two people! I sort of assumed you were the same guy speaking through "different voices" but then I checked the IPs. This LBing thing is turning out all right.

-9:58: It seems like they're pulling out the big guns really early in this debate. Obama's already directly called McCain a liar and now he brought up the "Barbara Anne" deal, now McCain's talking about Reagan and his time in Vietnam and he's already gotten worked up (see: 9:18). Shouldn't they be working up to this? Like shouldn't they start this one off with a bunch of platitudes and crosstalk and then build to a big screaming match in number three? At this rate it feels like they're going to be throwing pencils at each other by the end of night two.

-10:03: Jesus Christ, the Holocaust?! Does this "League of Democracies" who "control the world economy" sound suspiciously like these guys to anyone?

-10:08: I should have thought of food. Like a snack platter or something. Some cold cuts.

-10:12: That seal joke was so lame. I feel like Obama's doing better with the facts and all, but he's losing the battle of not being as dry as all hell.

-10:14: FUCK! AGAIN! "Uh uh uh uh uh," so irritating! Can't he just clear his throat or tap a glass or something.?

-10:16: It'd be funny if he cupped his hands around the mic and went "weeeeyllllllllllllll" until they let him speak.

Advertisement

10:18: What the hell are you talking about? You're offended that I thought you were some other shmuck leaving comments here on this crap? I'm not even going to validate your gay fucking Omen comments with a response.

-10:21: Shit.

-10:25: How many kids do you think are sitting in their bedrooms with this on, figuring out how to make a dance remix of this crosstalk right now? I think it's 14.

-10:28: Hahahaha, I just did that IP thing again and discovered that "Vice is fucking weak" guy has left two comments in the past week ending with "That is/would be metal." Is that your fucking catchphrase or something?

-10:32: OK, I've totally lost track of what's going on with this debate. I did catch that remark McCain made about "losing American treasure" which seemed sort of weird. Anyways, you guys can keep talking about this stuff but I'm gonna see what else is going on on the internet.

-10:35: You guys see that Sarah Silverman thing that went up today? I go back and forth on her.

-10:36: Jeez, nevermind, I just watched the whole thing.

-10:39: How does this count as "hairy." Is that really what it's come too these days, this is a bush?

10:42: Seriously, it's been a while since I fucked a girl with a shaved pussy, but I remember it being kind of cool the first time, and then progressively shittier with each successive screw. Maybe it's just the girls I've dated, but after that first shave there's no way you can get it as smooth. It ends up feeling like you're fold-fucking Nixon's jowls.

10:46: No joke, this girl looks exactly like a friend of mine. Any case, looks like this whole thing has wrapped up, I'll leave you guys to whatever you're up to. I'm going to see if I can take care of this business before my roommates get in. See y'all!