So, last night my girlfriend and I had an abortion on the living room couch. My roommates were out of town, we'd been having some drinks and watching the Olympics, and I don't know, I guess we were just both in the mood for an abortion. Maybe it was the swimmers. Anyhow, as far as abortions go this one wasn't anything spectacular but it was still pretty good. We've been together for a couple years and the abortions have peter'd down to maybe once or twice a week, but both of us still really get into it and give it our all. I know it sounds like the kind of thing some corny middle-aged relationship columnist would write in Red Book, but honestly, as we've gotten more and more comfortable with each other the better the abortions are.Of course, nothing comes close the abortions you have when you're a teenager, but I think that's just because you haven't had time to get used to the sensation. I remember one time in high school this girlfriend of mine was giving me an abortion with her mouth and it lasted about 12 seconds tops. I looked down at the aborted fetus dribbling down her chin and was like "I'm sorry, I swear I am much better at abortions, but that was hands down the best bort job anybody's ever had. There's a joint in the front pocket of my backpack. If you light that up and give me like 10 minutes, I will abort the ever living shit out of you."Speaking of which, what's with women always wanting to get an abortion when you're both really stoned? Do they have any idea how much concentration it takes on our part just to keep our hangers stiff? I don't know, maybe that's just me.LEROY GUMPTION*Written using the US Department of Health and Human Services' proposed redefinition of abortion.