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Vice Blog

LONDON - TASERS, THE FRIENDLY FIREARM


Do you know what Britain needs? More guns. Loads of them. In the hands of police officers. Yeah, guns, caffeine, and a uniform—the greatest combination since teenagers, suicide pills, and a webcam. Unfortunately, some killjoys have refused to give our very own Sarah Palin wannabe Home Secretary Jacqui Smith the right to give every copper an uzi. So instead she’s giving the nation’s police force a shit load of stun guns for Christmas. What a compromise!

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It’s a brilliant idea—give 30,000 police officers a Taser, train them for 18 hours and then set them free on the public. I mean, it’s not like we’ve had any bad experiences with trigger-happy police gunning down innocent people recently. I’m sure they’ll all be just brilliant at administering 50,000 volts into the necks of naughty people only.

Some boring old busy bodies at Amnesty International have pointed out the small matter of 320 people dying in the US since 2001 because they had been Tasered. Excuse me? Has anyone ever even heard of Amnesty International? Sounds like a front for terrorists to me. Thank goodness all of our savings haven’t just been spunked away by double-or-quits gamble-happy bankers. Otherwise we could never have afforded to have the nice big national whip round to buy the ¬£8 million pounds worth of Tasers.

Thank you Jacqui Smith. Thank you.

Seems like those Tasers have to be useful for other things. What about…

Pan-less scrambled eggs? Just Taser the chicken and wait for them to lay that tasty scrambled egg straight on to your toast.

Hangover cure? If you feel rougher than a dead dog’s arsehole, then simply Taser yourself in the face. You’ll be knocked unconscious for so long that by the time you wake up, the hangover will be a distant memory in your recently electrocuted brain.

Queue jumping? No one likes wasting their lunch break in a post office queue. Simply lay out the entire building with a short dose of 50,000 volts and skip to the front of the line.

NELL FRIZZEL