Protomartyr and Turn To Crime's Guide to Detroit

PROTOMARTYR’S RECOMMENDATIONS

BARS:

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1. PJ’s Lagerhouse
1254 Michigan Ave, Detroit, MI 48226
“Craig from the Terrible Twos is a bartender here. He’s a really bad bartender.”

2. Suzy’s Bar (Hamtramck)
2942 Evaline St, Hamtramck, MI 48212
“If you go, say hi to the guy with the hook hand or the serial flasher.”

3. Jumbo’s
3736 3rd Ave, Detroit, MI 48201
“David Buick from Feelings just posted a photo on Instagram of someone taking a shit here.”

RESTAURANTS:

4. Dearborn Meat Market (Dearborn)
7721 Schaefer Rd, Dearborn, MI 48126
“There are two separate places with this name, go to the good one. You’ll know it by the cook with the missing finger (from a lawnmower NOT from chopping meat).”

5. Z’s Villa
42 Piquette Ave, Detroit, MI 48202
“Pizza and beach volleyball. We’re still waiting for someone to allow us to be on their team.”

6. Buffalo Wild Wings
1218 Randolph St, Detroit, MI 48226
“Still haven’t eaten here but it’s the largest Buffalo Wild Wings in the world.”

VENUES:

7. Trinosophes
1464 Gratiot Ave, Detroit, MI 48207
“One of the many places you can hear local man about town, Greg Baise, laughing.”

8. The MUG
5984 Lincoln St
“Operated by the Wolf Eyes guys and tolerated (somehow) by the neighbors.”

9. The Painted Lady (Hamtramck)
2930 Jacob St Hamtramck, MI 48212
“Timmy Vulgar makes tacos on Wednesdays and they’re fucking great.”

SHOPPING:

10. John K King Books “Joe [Protomartyr singer] thinks it’s the largest all used book store in the world but we’re too lazy to check.”

11. Hello Records
1459 Bagley St Detroit, MI 48216
“There’s a lot of amazing record stores in Detroit and this is one of them.”

12. Honeybee Market
2443 Bagley Ave, Detroit, MI 48216
“WE’RE LIVING IN A FOOD DESERT!!!!”

FAVORITE PLACES:

13. Belle Isle
8109 Jefferson Ave, Detroit, MI 48214
“The aquarium is back open but there’s loads of other reasons go.”

14. Father Livius Paoli Memorial Baseball Fields
W of Southfield Rd, across from Wayne Community College
“We are publicly challenging the guys from Spray Paint to a home run derby next time they are in town.”

* Brick Mansions
“You can’t escape, by why would you want to? You might think it odd that we are choosing a fictional place for number three out of thousands of great places in our city, but it’s prescient social commentary. It has the ability to capture the beauty and desolation of parkour/Detroit. RZA’s portrayal of (SPOILER ALERT) Mayor Tremaine is the savior that Detroit’s been waiting for. A cinematic masterpiece recommended for anyone with even a passing interest in our city.”

Watch the trailer above.

turn to crime lance bangs Kim taylor bennett
Turn to Crime, director Lance Bangs, and Noisey’s Kim Taylor Bennett.

TURN TO CRIME’S RECOMMENDATIONS

BARS:
1. Tight Fittin Jeans/Jeans Lounge
“Killer karaoke with Sam Da Man on Friday nights (literally, you could quite possibly get killed here). Nice gay friendly atmosphere, perhaps because most of the patrons have spent a good portion of their lives in prison. Usually a dog without an owner hanging out somewhere. Cheap drinks!”

2. Suzy’s
“You might see Danny D, a Hamtramck celebrity and the worlds premier top Rod Stewart impersonator. Don’t worry, if you don’t see him you will probably hear him on the jukebox, because he owns most of the jukeboxes in Hamtramck and programs them to play his songs when people don’t put in money. He can also watch you from the spy camera on the jukebox and see if he has enough fans at the bar to make an appearance that evening.”

3. Head Coach
“Thus completing the Hamtramck trifecta. Go here if you don’t want to see anyone you know or likely anyone at all.
(Sidenote; Hamtramck is not Detroit, but it is not a suburb either. It is a city within a city. It has a ton of bars. It’s a little safer than Detroit. It’s a very cool town. It’s beautifully ugly).”

RESTAURANTS:
4. Senor Lopez
“Cheap, good and I don’t really give a fuck if it’s super authentic Mexican cuisine dude.”

5. Z’s Villa
“Sorry Buddy’s but Z’s has the best Detroit style pizza in Detroit and no offense Loui’s, but this is a Detroit only list, no suburbs.”

6. Duly’s Place
5458 Vernor Hwy, Detroit, MI 48209
“High fives down the bar as you stroll through at 3am and prices that haven’t changed since the 80s.”

VENUES:
7. Masonic Temple
“If it’s a good enough venue for the Illuminati and the people who run this world, than it’s good enough for me.”

8. The MUG
5984 Lincoln St
“Stands for Metal Under God or something like that and is home to the Wolf Dudes who are trying to invent something called Trip Metal or Mental, it’s all so confusing. Just go there and check out some noise music (which may or may not be dead depending on who you talk to), pretend that you are broke and don’t put money in the donation jar because you don’t support the bands in the scene that you are trying to be part of.”

9.The Painted Lady Lounge
2930 Jacob St Hamtramck, MI 48212
“Great clientele, anything goes wild west vibe, horrible sound, black death mold spores fighting their way through cigarette smoke to get to your lungs, wells drinks and beer on draft that will give you an instant hangover and an owner who hates me = best venue to see a punk rock show.”

SHOPPING:
10. John K. King Used & Rare Books
“Good place if you still read books.”

11. Hello Records
“Taken from Yelp: ‘Besides People’s Records in D-Town Detroit. I really enjoyed Hello Records because of the customer service, atmosphere, and of course their selection of Techno/Electro records. (Great Job Hello Records)!!! P.S. I hope I’ll go there today and see if they have any phono amplifiers.’”