FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Hey Ron!

Hey Ron! - Some Fatherly Advice

May 26, 2009, 10:47pm


Another week, more advice from Ron. This time our brawny and lion-hearted accounts receivable manager raps serious with a kid who's a got a sinewy log of shit for a dad...

Hey Ron!
My dad is a fuck-up who says I can't do anything right, even though he's a drunk who I am pretty sure hits his wife. (She's his fourth.) And I'm in college on a scholarship! I wish you were my dad. If you were my dad, what life lessons would you give me?

The first lesson is, kick your dad’s ass. Beat the shit out of him because he’s worthless. As you can see, you’re doing better than he is. You’re going to succeed him. You’re going to do better than he’s doing, which a good parent would want. But it doesn’t take much to accomplish more than an alcoholic, except to be a better alcoholic. Your goal is to do something with your life. Also, you don’t have to be like that. You can be a good dad. Take the good from him and learn from the bad. Then you can grow and not pass it on to your kid.

As for other advice, tomorrow is not promised to no one, so enjoy today. Try to do right and you’ll have your funeral packed. You don’t want two people showing up—and those are the two people you owe money to. You don’t want the haters showing up—that’s a bad eulogy.

I like to treat people according to how I like to be treated. First and foremost, respect. Wait, that’s not really true. It’s respect me or else, basically. Knuckle up or shut up. Don’t do as I do, do as I say. Pretty much you’ll have a good life.

On the serious side, respect and demand respect back. If someone doesn’t respect who you are, then leave them alone. You don’t want to be around people like your dad. Those are the guys who, at the end of their lives, go “Do you want fries with that?”

Love,
Ron

(Email your quandaries for Ron here, and put Hey Ron! in the subject line.)