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Vice Blog

In Defense Of Amager

When people call it shit island, they tend to forget the many nourishing qualities of feces.
August 15, 2014, 9:18am

Amager has, at best, a tarnished reputation. It might be because of the Mad Max like stretches of wasteland frequent to even the most inner parts of the island. Or it might be, because that’s where we used to to chop people’s heads off back in the heydays of public execution. Ultimately, I think Amager’s reputation has been ruined by way of unfair misrepresentation by the lot who seek to take silicone and mammogram technology to their very limits. That and Amagermanden of course.

That being said, the place really hasn’t deserved its rap in the slightest. Here’s why.

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It’s super affordable

Plainly put, rent’s hella cheap. It makes the area a great place for students, families and anyone with limited income to pitch their tent. It also leaves you with the freedom to spend your money on other pleasantries like Mokai and STD meds. In combination with the university on Islands Brygge, it has made the place teeming with super virile youngsters, providing ample hunting grounds for the Tinder crowd.

It’s the sunniest place around

Amager isn't exactly short on tanning salon entrepreneurs, throwing caution to notions of “market saturation”. Like gay hate crimes in the countryside, they seem to be just about everywhere, offering the good folks of Amager endless possibilities for acquiring that brownish glow which passes for a healthy look in certain communities. It really is admirable, the way they ignore the surprisingly serious health implications of getting blasted with artificial light in coffin-sized plastic boxes. I choose to believe they’re all in some way martyrs of science, alarmed by the lack of research going into skin cancer. Good on you.

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Segways

Amager Strandpark is one of the best beaches in vicinity of the city. Though it, as all other beaches, fall prey to cascades of half-naked, doughy, at-home charter tourists, at least it doesn’t double as an overhyped playground for the indiellectuals of the inner city. Seriously, Tisvilde wouldn’t be worth the drive even if you carpooled with God. Amager Strandpark is probably also the only place, where you can chill out with your mates and spontaneously decide to rent Segways. If that isn’t the dream, I don’t know what is.

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Field’s

The residents might have been jokingly called Amagerkanere for a while, but it wasn’t until Field’s opened up, that they really earned their nickname. A stronghold of post-modern consumerism near the airport, the shopping mall provides the locals with a colorful array of fish spas, sex shops and fast food chains. On this note, let it be known that Amager is home to two out of the four KFC restaurants in the entire country. Quite impressive, right? Really, a trip to Field’s is the perfect way of combining aimless lazing around with a taste of the silver screen American youth culture, we all secretly crave to be a part of.

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Village life

Want to live on Amager, but can’t stand the hustle and bustle of the urban scene? Settle down in Dragør, a typical Danish idyllic haven, though without a history of the systematic sexual abuse of minors. While the place peaked centuries ago, it still remains a prime area for Dannebrog-enthusiasts and maritime romantics to own land. And it’s really close to Sweden, so there’s that.

It’s one of the last places to find a true working class in Copenhagen

With the tedious middle-class mush of strollers and dinner plans at MASH taking over the different Copenhagen neighborhoods, we should all enjoy the last slithers of diversity left in our fair city. Sure, Cofoco is setting up shop in Amagerbrogade soon, but there are stills bars left, where borne and bread Copenhageners chat about the good old days. It’s not too late to grab a beer with those guys yet, so go for it.

It’s honest about being fake 

Yes, the island is home to the largest concentration of lips plumb with ass-fat and necks adorned with tribal tattoos in our very kingdom. There is however a certain beauty to the dignity with which the collagen clientele bear their “enhancements”. Pure unchecked pride is characteristic of the citizens of Amager, who all own up to their appearance and lifestyle. They’re comfortably, unashamedly provincial and thus a beacon for all other small communities, who struggle with their “Udkantsdanmark” labeling. As opposed to their North Zealand counterparts, who would sooner admit to tax-evasion than sporting obviously faux chesticles or porcelain tooth caps, these proud sons and daughters of the south crap all over good taste every day with a smile. And we salute you for that.