The 'Green-Eyed Monster' Myth

Hello, I’m Bertie. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit.

PRETTY GIRL BULLSHIT #8: THE 'GREEN-EYED MONSTER' MYTH

I read about a really brutal murder case the other day. Like, really brutal. Under this headline: “Jealousy drove 'psycho' teenager to brutally murder one of the only girls who was ever nice to her.” After reading the article, it became clear that – while "psycho" is probably too hysterical a term – this girl has deep-seated identity issues and questionable drug habits that affect her mood. Quite strongly. It’s also completely fucking obvious to me that this girl had a lunatic boyfriend who basically pushed her into a house, shot some bros, put a gun in her hand and clapped twice. What's interesting to me is the use of the word "jealousy" in the headline. Why does jealousy make this extra-creepy? And why is jealousy such a "girl thing"? It's totally Pretty Girl domain, you hear it all the time – “Ignore her, she’s only saying you should change out of that onesie because she’s jealous.” Or, “Oh, don’t mind her, she only shot you 40 times in the face and groin because she’s jealous.” Etc, etc.

I mean, I’m sure it was a factor, but like, come on, what about the drugs? What about the lunatic boyfriend? What about the fact she had to dress like a clown as a child because all the hair on her head and face fell off? Why is jealousy the main angle here? I get jealous every day, of people with the biggest-screen MacBook or a "touche-eclat". I’m not about to go stab a stranger outside Selfridges though, am I? When I asked a few guys to come up with a personification of jealousy, they all basically described a sexy, green super-freak, serpent-woman thing. There seems to be a real problem with how gendered jealousy has become as a concept. I mean, Jesus, there are entire films about how much girls envy each other. When are they making Mean Boys? I don’t know about you guys, but at my school we rarely spiked people with weight-gain bars or pushed them in front of trucks for being hotter than us. I just don’t believe we all really hate each other as much as the world seems to think we do. I asked three girls and three boys what the worst thing they’d ever done to someone out of jealousy was, and why. GIRLS: Pretty Girl #1: "Ummm. Told someone they looked nice when they didn’t because I didn’t want to be out-hotted. LOL." Pretty Girl #2: "Made my friend go out in a fugly dress…?" Pretty Girl #3: "Fucked my friend’s dad because she called me fat." OK, so I made up that last one, but otherwise total yawn, right? There were no death threats, no burnt books and definitely no Kalteen bars. In fact, I was almost disappointed by the lack of imagination that went into these. Boys don’t get jealous, do they? Let’s find out!

BOYS Pretty Boy #1: "Some taller-than-me guy offered me free drugs at a party once so I was like, 'Yeah, man,' and we went to his room and he had all this sick artwork on the walls. I was already kinda bummed out about his free drug-giving and tallness and beard and stuff, so I was like, 'LMFAO looks like we found Banksy's hideout, this stuff SUCKS,' and ripped a piece off the wall and ate it." Pretty Boy #2: "My brother got jealous that his ex-girlfriend was flirting with a guy he hated so he got super stressed out and punched a brick wall and broke two bones in his hand." Pretty Boy #3: "Slept with my ex's sister." I did not add that last one. That is legit, bad boy jealousy. So, wait: Turns out these boys are WAY more crazy than any of my Pretty Girls. Role reversal, what? Although I now look at Boy #3 in a way different light, fortunately this test proves conclusively that while some girls may be totally “evil and fabulous”, that evilness doesn't necessarily have to stem from envy. While jealousy sucks and it happens, it’s not fair to make it implicit within girls’ friendships, bar a "fugly" dress or two.

So yeah. Basically this whole column is leading up to one thing: Can we like, cut Jennifer Aniston a break?! Until she stabs Angelina Jolie in the face, people should probably stop freaking out about her “jealous rages”. TBH I’m way more interested in why Brad and Ange have 12423.3 children. And why nobody has ‘the Rachel’ any more. And like, what really are the rules for Cups? (I’m sorry this column is shorter than usual. I finished my DISSERTATION this week! GO ME)

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @BertieBrandes

Previously: Pretty Girl Bullshit - The 'Bikini Line' Myth

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