This week was at least ten times weirder than last week. Maybe even 15. Let’s GIF about it.
GIFs by Daniel Stuckey
How in the fucking hell is this beef ball still the mayor of Toronto? The authorities set up a sting to catch Marion Barry smoking crack with a hooker. This guy smokes it with his sister in her basement, like they’re eating a Meals on Wheels Thanksgiving, while beating up his former bagman and shouting the N-word in Jamaican patois.
A terrible man named Donald Sterling, whose face looks like the neck of lizard, happens to own the Los Angeles Clippers. He also happened to be banned for life from the NBA on Tuesday, following the release of a covertly recorded argument with his girlfriend in which he told her not to bring black people to his basketball games, ESPECIALLY not Magic Johnson. It also seems he didn't realize that his girlfriend was half black. Can’t wait until this asshole dies of asshole cancer.
Unlike Donald Sterling, South Korean Prime Minister Jung Hong-won, knew when to call it quits. He resigned earlier this week among the controversy surrounding his government’s handling of the Sewol shipwreck, which resulted in almost 300 deaths. But don’t blame it on their “we do everything the boss says” mentality, because that’s not only untrue—it’s racist. Don’t make us start calling you Donald Sterling, please.
Some other fucking asshole that we’re pretty sure isn't Donald Sterling hacked into a family’s baby monitor and began shouting obscenities at the poor newborn. If anyone happens to know who this person is, email his or her contact information to firstname.lastname@example.org. We will kidnap him and force him to wear one of the baby’s shitty diapers as a mask for a month.
Yet another train carrying millions of gallons of crude oil derailed and caused a massive explosion, this time in Lynchburg, Virginia, on April 30. According to Bloomberg Business Week, we are now shipping 900 percent more crude oil via rail than in 2008. This is because it comes from a fairly remote region in North Dakota where they rape the earth to ensure that there are at least 300 gas stations within a five-mile radius at all times. Man, the apocalypse can be fun when you prepare for it so far ahead.
Stalwart believers in capital punishment got a wake-up call this week, when a prisoner convulsed in severe pain for almost 45 minutes after being administered a lethal-injection cocktail that, putting it politely, “malfunctioned.” This is because Europe, where we used to get our murder drugs, will no longer sell them to the US. This has caused a re-examination as to whether it really is cheaper to keep an inmate behind bars than to execute him.
The peace talks transpiring between Israel and Palestine failed to meet their deadline. So we interviewed God about it to get his take.
The movie Mean Girls turned ten. Lindsay Lohan’s liver turned 83.
Also, we were very thankful for the safe return of VICE News correspondent Simon Ostrovsky. Go here to learn all about what happened while he was in the hands of the dingus pro-Russia Ukrainians who kidnapped him.
A Canadian town is living in fear that a nearby dead whale will explode any second. Not much more to say other than we wrote an article about exactly what they should do once it’s time to bury it. Now, go get drunk please.