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I saw an ad promoting this game last week that featured Springsteen’s “Streets of Philadelphia.” Now I get that it’s a great song and has the word “Philadelphia” right there in the title, but maybe you shouldn’t be associating your sporting event with lyrics that are literally about dying of AIDS? Then again, maybe that’s appropriate, given the way the Eagles’ season has gone. Let’s take a moment to imagine an unemployed Andy Reid walking around Philly like Bruce.
PICK: CincinnatiNew York Giants (+1.5) at Atlanta
The Falcons are 11-2, but in their last five games they’ve nearly lost to Tampa Bay, New Orleans, and Arizona, and they did lose, badly to Carolina last week. Is there a word in German that means “team that has a good record but is really shaky as it heads towards the playoffs and doesn’t inspire much confidence”?
PICK: New YorkTampa Bay (+3.5) at New Orleans
It’s been a disappointing, dull season for the Buccaneers, but this kid who danced with the cheerleaders the other day is neither disappointing or dull. Could we replace the normal cheerleaders with children from now on? Or is that illegal?
(viaDavid Roth at the Classical)PICK: New OrleansMinnesota (+3) at St. Louis
I have seen a lot of rap songs devoted to NFL teams, but this “St. Louis Rams Anthem” by some guys called Deuce is the worst. By a lot. And the lip-synching on the video is the worst too. And you should never, ever name your rap group after a euphemism for poop unless it’s clear that’s what you meant to do.
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PICK: MinnesotaGreen Bay (-3) at Chicago
This is going to be a good, hard-fought game between a pair of teams fighting for the division. We’re gonna see some goddamn smashmouth football, etc. etc. But try to tell me that this game will be more entertaining than just watching this over and over.
PICK: ChicagoWashington (-1) at Cleveland
As of this writing, there’s a lot of confusion about whether franchise savior Robert Griffin III will play in this game. But you know what? I’d pick the Browns even if RGIII were playing, because they really aren’t that bad—they beat the Steelers! They destroyed the Chiefs last week! They’re 5-8, which isn’t terrible! Forget about Brandon Weeden’s initial interception-filled game and he has some respectable stats for a quarterback on a bad team! They’re the youngest team in the league and will be better next season! I’ll pick them this week, and for the rest of the season, because this column is part of BROWNS NATION now! I’m a Brownie, or whatever it is that you call a Browns fan! Now who wants to tell me why we dress up like dogs?

Hello Jaguars. When your 12-year-old fans are making parody videos about how you are “Never Getting Any Better,” you are maybe not doing so hot in terms of being a successful and beloved franchise.
(ViaSBNation’s Jaguars blog) (Side note: There are 12-year-old girls who are Jaguar fans?! Poor kids.)
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I feel confident picking the Broncos here, as Peyton Manning is 7-2 against the Ravens in his career according to this site that has painstakingly compiled his stats against all NFL teams and that I’m sure is run by someone who is really mentally balanced and not an insane obsessive at all.
PICK: DenverIndianapolis (+8.5) at Houston
Indianapolis is 9-4 and headed to the playoffs despite having a team consisting of Andrew Luck, Reggie Wayne, Dwight Freeney, and 41 guys named Ron the team picked up at the gas station, migrant-worker style. It’s an inspiring story, but the Colts have been outscored this season—they’re gonna run out of luck sooner or later.
PICK: HoustonSeattle (-5.5) at Buffalo
I’m from Seattle so this sounds biased, but the Seahawks are actually fucking good this season: They’re number 2 in DVOA (which basically means overall efficiency) at FootballOutsiders; they’re undefeated at home; they haven’t lost by more than six points; they’ve beaten the Bears, Patriots, and Packers (OK, that last one was because of the phantom touchdown, but still); and Russell Wilson has developed into an actually good QB over the course of the season. Being from Seattle, I assume that this will all end in crushing disappointment, but for now I’m flying high like a seahawk, which I’ve always thought of as a cross between a seagull and a hawk—you know, a majestic raptor that eats garbage.
PICK: Seattle
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Two legendary franchises square off as both teams vie for a spot in the playoffs—a must watch!!!!! Just kidding, these are maybe the most two unbearable franchises in the league and I hope they both lose and I hope Tony Romo and Ben Roethlisberger make out hard at midfield while all the gay-haters at Cowboys Stadium boo and puke all over each other. Here’s the Silver Jews track “Dallas,” which I guess is about the town, but as usual with their songs, I’ve got no goddamn idea what he’s singing about:
PICK: DallasDetroit (-6) at Arizona
God, imagine being Cardinals head coach Ken Whisenhunt. You opened the season with four wins, but have now lost nine in a row, the last being a record-setting 58-0 defeat. It is now news that you still have your job, but you probably will get fired as soon as the season is over. But you’ve got three more weeks of breaking down film and drawing up game plans—what do you do? Do you just sorta leave it to your assistants and coordinators while you smoke cigarettes in your car? Do you toy with absurd ideas like putting Larry Fitzgerald at QB and running some all-the-plays-are-runs system from 1922? Do you try to win more games, seeing as how it doesn’t matter? Can you win games, even if you try?
PICK: Arizona Carolina (+3) at San Diego
Carolina has had a rough season, so it’s been easy to ignore Cam Newton’s immense fucking physical gifts. Here, as my gift to you, is a .gif showing off those gifts.
PICK: Carolina
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See above.
PICK: Kansas CitySan Francisco (+5) at New England
Last Sunday’s Houston-New England matchup was supposed to be a showdown between the best two teams in the AFC, but it went downhill for the Texans pretty fast. It was like seeing the two supposedly toughest boys in middle school face off after class, but instead of a fight, one kid just starts pummeling the other and knocks him down and kicks him and kicks him and it’s like, Whoa, someone get Mr. Davis, someone get Mr. Davis! Not picking against the Pats after that one.
PICK: New EnglandTennessee (-1.5) at New York Jets
Weirdly, despite talk of how the Jets are so bad they might as well be a bunch of mounds of melted plastic trying to play football, the team is 6-7 and could even make the playoffs if Pittsburgh and Cincinnati collapse. It’s like an inspirational sports movie, only the players hate each other and the fans hate the team. Ah, football!
PICK: New YorkAn earlier version of this article mistakenly said that the Raiders-Chiefs game was happening in Kansas City. It's actually in Oakland.Previous week's record: 10-5-1Overall record: 108-90-10Previously: RGIII Is Number I in Our Hearts
