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Kelly’s Krush Korner - Asia Argento

To say that I have a krush on Asia Argento is like saying that pizza is good, or that spending a shitload of money during a manic up swing is fun.

To say that I have a krush on Asia Argento is like saying that pizza is good, or that spending a shitload of money during a manic up swing is fun. Sometimes there is just not a word strong enough for what we want to say, and I am having that problem right now. Do I have a krush on Asia Argento? Nay. Do I want to use her body like a rowing machine and then hydrate myself with the pool of sweat that forms between her boobies, going without any other form of food or beverage until she says that it’s OK? Yes. This is how I feel.

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Before I even go on, you’ve got some homework to do. Please watch this video:

Did you watch it? OK, well here are some rapid-fire observations:

1)    I am certain that Asia Argento is the only person on the face of this earth who can look both painfully hot, and like she’s three seconds away from throwing up, all at the same time.

2)    Did you hear how she said “…and I’ve accepted to do this”? I would build a intricately crafted and finely decorated village for poor families using only items that I stole from the private homes of Satan worshipers if I could make her say that to me while doing nasty, ouchy things to my body. I could actually kind of cry just thinking about it, like how you would want to cry when you’ve got a bad headache and want more than anything to go home and lay on the couch, but still have to work at Starbucks for five hours. That kind of painful, hopeless yearning. Get it? It aches in my bone marrow.

3)    Did you hear how she said “I’m in a toilet”? Did you see the face she made? Goddamn. She’s a filthy little pony. What if you were going peeps in a bathroom at the Milan airport at the very moment that Asia Argento was in there vlogging about emotions in a sexy way on her MacBook? What would you do? Would you man up and throw your body over the dividing wall into her lap, or would you wipe your weak and feeble privates and go to Mrs. Fields and get a cookie? Also, do you hear those assholes washing their hands and humming a little tune in the background? SHUT UP, SLUTS! ASIA IS TRYING TO TELL ME THINGS!!

4)    RE: the dance number that Asian uses to close out her “video diary,” where do I even begin? Frankly I think I would have to leave my home and walk the land, with no possessions to my name, or destination planned, for roughly ten years; thinking only of her dance, why she did it, what she was thinking of while she did it, to even graze the surface of all that could be said about it. PS: I just looked up and saw that I made a typo and wrote her name out as “Asian.” Let’s just leave it there because my feelings for her are so abstract, so beyond rules and normalities. What’s in a name, anyway? How can a name be put on how I feel for Asia?

Chances are that I will never meet Asia Argento, and never get a chance to tell her how I feel about her. I have a feeling we run in different circles. What gives me hope though, in the dead of night when I’m cold and alone without my Italian stallion, is that she fucked JT Leroy. (!!!!!) Remember?? Well she did. She had naked sex with a fake writer who she thought was a writer and a man and was actually none of those things. So I’ve got THAT going for me.

@WolfieVibes

Previously - Katie Stelmanis