Thanks to the rapid pussification of the globe, there has been no shortage of nominees for Cry-Baby of the Week this year. In fact, some weeks I have too many options, and world-class whiners end up getting cut. This woman, who sued her mother for writing something mean on Facebook, for instance.
Below is a list of ten previous winners of Cry-Baby of the Week who have been shortlisted by me as nominees for Cry-Baby of the Year. Give them a read, then vote in the poll at the bottom. I will present whoever wins with some kind of as-yet-undesigned trophy, and snap a picture of them with it when they burst into tears while trying to sue/arrest me for no reason.
Cry-Baby #1: Ashley Taylor
The incident: Ashley Taylor, a reporter for some local news channel in Myrtle Beach, had her microphone grabbed out of her hands while she was on air by a guy who then shouted: "I am that nigga! Ayyyyeeeyaaay!" into the camera.
The appropriate reaction: To laugh until you cry, then call all of your friends and say, "Ha, were you watching? Did you see that?!?! Ahahaha!" before laughing some more.
The actual response: According to the EXTREMELY SERIOUS news report above, Ashley filed charges against the mic-grabber. It doesn't specify what he was charged with, but she does refer to them as "some serious charges."
Also, she made the fucking news report. In which she refers to the incident multiple times as "an attack," speaks to a "victim service coordinator" (!!!!!) and, completely earnestly, says things like "The irony of this attack? I was reporting on a new crackdown on crime in Myrtle Beach. Little did I know that I would become the victim" with a level of seriousness that would only be acceptable if she were a drive-by victim reporting on her own death. If it weren't for the fact that a guy could actually go to prison because of this, it would maybe be the funniest video ever made.
Cry-baby #2: Mamie Sonnier
The incident: A school installed palm scanners in their cafeteria to make the lines move faster.
The appropriate reaction: Nothing.
The actual reaction: Speaking to her unbelievably low-budget looking local news channel, CONCERNED PARENT Mamie Sonnier threatened to pull her children out of school.
Mamie says she is against the use of the palm scanners because of her beliefs: "As a Christian, I've read the Bible and, you know, go to church and stuff and I know where it's going to end up coming to; the mark of the beast, and I'm not gonna let my kids have that." This is a view that, according to the report at least, a lot of parents share.
Unfortunately, Mamie doesn't really back up this theory with any additional evidence. Which is a shame, because I'm sure it would have been HILARIOUS. I guess she is making the connection based entirely on the fact that the mark of the beast and the palm scanner both involve hands? I really, really have no idea.
The school principal, to his credit, managed to make it through his entire interview without once just staring into the camera, slowly shaking his head and saying "What the fuck?" Which is a pretty impressive achievement. Give that man a raise.
Cry-Baby #3: Lana Massey
The incident: A woman with a shitty tattoo on her lower leg of Tinkerbell inserting a light-switch into her vagina (pictured above) was asked to leave Legoland. She was given a full refund, and offered complimentary tickets for her next visit.
The appropriate reaction: To wear a garment that covers her tattoo (which she described as "an original artwork from the 1940s" – hahahaha) before going somewhere where there are lots and lots of children.
The actual reaction: According to an article in The Dallas Observer, Lana took to "social media" to tell her story of "discrimination," and gained support from people like Yelawolf, Travis Barker, and Busta Rhymes. (Nice crew, bro!)
Let's take a look at how Lana described the incident in the same article: “The whole time we were in, we were followed, I was totally assuming that she was going to come up to me and ask me who my artist was.” I'm going to stop her right there. A woman with a tattoo of a Disney character masturbating, walking around Legoland sees that she's being followed, and her immediate thought is "this lady must want to know where I got my tattoo done"? This can mean one of three things:
1) Lana exists in some parallel universe where she never, ever encounters children, or people who talk about children, and genuinely has no idea that some people don't like children seeing sexually explicit images.
2) Lana is mentally ill.
3) Lana is a liar, and wants to be given some free money by Legoland. (I'm leaning towards this option.)
She also wrote an almost unreadable forum post here, in which she outlined her plans to take legal action against Legoland for the way in which she was "discriminated upon," and actually seriously said: "I can only imagine in what ways this shattered my kid’s ideas of society as a whole."
I feel I should add here that I'm not a prude. I don't think it's damaging for a child to see her tattoo. If I had seen her tattoo at Legoland when I was seven, it probably would have made my entire year. But at the same time, I understand that not everyone feels that way. Which is why I don't walk around McDonald's Play Palaces handing out photos of my dick.
Cry-Baby #4 - Thomas Amons
The incident: Thomas Amons, the principal of a community college in Texas, thought that one of the people enrolling in his school's cosmetology course looked gay.
The appropriate reaction: Nothing.
The actual reaction: It's illegal to bar someone from public education based on their sexuality in Texas. But Mr. Amons, who is also a deacon at a nearby Baptist church, really didn't want a gay guy in his college. So he decided to just cancel the entire cosmetology course instead.
After the class instructor, Cequena Clark, spoke to local news outlets about what happened, her employment with the college was terminated. Which seems like it should be really, really illegal.
Speaking of the incident, Cequena said: “I made up in my mind, I’m not going to compromise or lie for anyone. I love my job—love it, love it, love it—but I have to stand up for what’s right.”
You'd think that, as both a principal and a deacon, Thomas Amons would have more important things to worry about. His school's website, which looks like it was designed by Clarissa on Geocities, for instance.
Cry-baby #5: MC Chris
The incident: A guy tweeted something negative about a band he was watching.
The appropriate reaction: Nothing.
The actual reaction: OK, here's the whole story: A guy at a show for a "nerdcore rapper" (*shudder*) named "MC Chris" (*shudder*) tweeted during the support act, saying: "Dear nerd rapper opening for Powerglove/mc chris. You're not good enough to pander to me. Better luck next time."
When MC Chris took to the stage, he demanded to know who had written the tweet, so that they could be ejected from the venue. Saying: "Security is going to take you the fuck out now, that's what you get for talking shit on the internet." It should be noted that MC Chris is 36 fucking years old, and therefore probably a little too old to be getting upset about Twitter (and DEFINITELY too old to be making whacky YouTube raps about Star Wars).
After being ejected from the venue, the tweeter took to Reddit to complain about MC Chris being such a giant fucking douchebag baby, and his post made the front page, getting over 6,000 comments. Mostly about how MC Chris is a giant fucking douchebag baby.
MC Chris, realizing that he had made the internet mad at him, made a video to apologize, which is posted above. And for the first time in quite some time, we have a cry-baby on here who literally cried (he denied it later, but I think the truth is pretty clear to everyone). Skip to 2:25 in the video if you want to see it. But be warned: you have never experienced second-hand embarrassment of this magnitude ever before in your life.
Cry-baby #6: Douglas Nicholls
The incident: A grown man saw a swear word written down on a piece of paper.
The appropriate reaction: NOTHING.
The actual reaction: As always with these fucking idiots, he went to his local paper, The Worcester News.
Douglas Nicholls (pictured above) is a mailman. On his morning route, he noticed that one of the letters he was supposed to be delivering was addressed to a "Mr Fuck Off."
In the interview he gave about this spectacular non-event, Douglas said: "I couldn’t believe it when I saw the address. Even after 32 years working as a postman I have never had anything like this.
“I delivered it at about noon on Friday. But afterwards I started thinking about it and felt even more offended.”
He then gave an anecdote about the time he went to see Meet the Fockers, and couldn't bring himself to say the name of the film: "I had to call it 'Meet the Parents'."
How is a person who is this easily offended able to function in society? He should check to see if he's eligible for disability benefits.
Cry-Babies #7: Jennifer Farmer and Hannah Rockey
The incident: Children at a high school prom in Colorado were dancing "like they were having sex with their clothes on."
The appropriate reaction: Nothing. That's how people dance in 2012, grandma.
The actual reaction: According to a lawsuit obtained by The Smoking Gun, Jennifer Farmer and Hannah Rockey, who were chaperoning the dance, told the dancing kids that they were "advertising butt sex," and that they were "sluts and whores." Not content with just verbally abusing them, they then (allegedly) sprayed Lysol Disinfectant on to the kids. The sprayed students claim that the Lysol got into their mouths and eyes, and they were forced to leave the prom.
Unrelated, but in that news report I've embedded above, the police chief they interview says "supposebly." How is it possible to get to his age without learning that word?
Cry-baby #8: Abby Wolfson
The incident: Some children had a water balloon fight in a park in Brooklyn.
The appropriate reaction: Watching the kids and smiling, then maybe feeling a tiny bit sad inside because that part of your life is over, and you're never going to have such carefree fun ever again. But then going back to smiling, because seeing kids having fun is great.
The actual reaction: According to an article in The Brooklyn Paper, concerned parent Abby Wolfson started a "lively discussion" on a "local listserv." I don't know what any of that means, either. I assume it's something Brooklyn indie-douche-parents do on the internet that I would FUCKING HATE, so I'm not going to Google it. Then she was interviewed by the paper, and had her picture taken, and said stuff like “I’m a big believer in bumped heads and skinned knees, but it’s my responsibility to make sure my kid isn’t putting garbage and things she can choke on in her mouth. Maybe we could have a sign that says ‘Please keep water balloons out of the toddler area,’ and have another that says, ‘Please clean up.’"
Eugh. Just look at her fucking face in that picture. She's so annoyed! Who has time to go and be interviewed and pose for a photo about this shit? Has she not been to a park before? Can babies not choke on acorns or stones or bottle caps or parts of their own clothing? Just keep an eye on your fucking kid, lady.
Also, her baby's foot is a completely different race than the rest of its body. Which is neither here nor there, but it's pretty weird, right? IDK much about babies.
Cry-Baby #9: An unnamed police officer from the Piedmont Police Department.
The incident: A three-year-old boy urinated in his mother's front yard.
The appropriate response: Asking the boy to do it in the bathroom next time.
The actual response: A passing police officer issued the boy's mother a ticket for "public urination," and now she has to pay a $2,500 fine.
The child, Dillan, was playing in his mother's front yard in Piedmont, Oklahoma. Dillan needed to pee, so he took down his pants and did it in on the spot.
At this point, an officer from Piedmont Police Department pulled up, asked for the mother's license, and told her that he was going to issue her a ticket for "public urination."
"I said, 'really? He is three years old,' and he said it doesn't matter," said Jennifer Warden, who is credited by the news report as "UPSET HOMEOWNER." I think she might also be the boy's grandmother.
Ashley called the police department to file a complaint about the $2,500 fine, but the complaint was denied. She must appear in court next month.
Cry-Baby #10: The parents of the Encinitas Union School District
The incident: A school introduced a yoga class.
The appropriate reaction: If you're a student: yoga. If you're a parent: nothing.
The actual reaction: A group of parents whose children attend the school filed a complaint, and are now considering taking legal action.
Seven district parents and a lawyer spoke out at a schoolboard meeting last November, complaining that the classes were "religious indoctrination," which pushed Hinduism on their children and violated their religious freedom.
School officials responded that no religion was involved, but have agreed to launch an investigation. Researchers from the University of San Diego will study the classes in order to try to establish whether any religion is involved. Which seems like a very, very good use of everyone's time.
Andy Vick, who has three children at the school said of the situation: "I will not allow my children to be indoctrinated by this Hindu religious program… Because of this, you're forcing me to segregate my children." He went on to say that children who have been removed from the yoga classes by their insane parents are being bullied, before going on to compare the situation to Nazi Germany. Nazi. Fucking. Germany. Which, as everyone knows, all came about because a school fitness program spiralled waayyyyyy out of control.
So, guys, who has been the biggest cry-baby this year? Let us know in the poll below, and we will make sure they end up on Santa's naughty list: