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DEAR VICE - I'M NOT PREGNANT, JUST FAT

Dear Vice,
I've always been a bit chubby and have had a big stomach for ages. I'm guessing it's a beer belly or something. I've never really given much thought as to why my stomach never shrinks. As a kid, I'd sometimes be called "Jelly Belly," which I never considered offensive, but for some odd reason quite amusing and sweet. I was aware of my stomach and it never really troubled me.

About five years ago M and I were on a vacation in Thailand, Phuket, Karon Beach, to be precise. I remember that it was a roasting day, we were on the beach enjoying the sun, snorkeling, swimming, eating ice cream, being lazy, and talking about everything. We had just taken a swim and were about to leave for dinner. As soon as I stepped out of the water a woman smiled at me and said (in broken English), "You have baby?" and pointed at my gut. I hesitated for a sec, I figured that I misunderstood her or something. "What?" I replied, subconsciously hoping she wouldn't repeat her stupid question. She once again smiled (again with that fucking smirk), "You have baby?" What was this woman on about? I had had a fab sunny day and she, a stranger, walks up to me with a smile asking me if I have a baby in my stomach. I answered her question, "No, no baby." And left the beach in a terrible mood.

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This other time M and I were on a short trip in Berlin. We were having a late meal at a classic German diner--a imbiss. We were just about to leave when I asked a guy if he had a lighter. I lit a cigarette. He asked me (with a German accent), "Do you want to have a baby?" Which I thought was a quite odd question, considering I had never seen the guy in my life. Puzzled as I was I replied, "Yes, sometime in the future." Strangely, he laughed and exclaimed, "Oh, you orgasmic bastard!" What was this asshole on about? Later on M explained that he had asked "Do you have a baby?" so he basically assumed that I was, in his words, an "orgasmic bastard" for smoking and being pregnant.

This summer M and I were on a road trip throughout Europe (yes, we do tend to travel a lot). We were staying at this hotel somewhere in Monte Carlo and were in the elevator when a woman smiled and asked me if I was pregnant. I simply replied "What?!" with a harsh tone, and she said no more.

So, yeah, sure, I understand, I might get mistaken for being a pregnant woman. Sure, it's plausible. Someone random might just show up out of the blue and innocently ask me if I'm pregnant.

I remember Benny Hill once used a perfect phrase in a sketch concerning the use of the word "assume." He said
"Don't assume, because when you assume you make an ass out of you and me." Which couldn't be more true.

But how do these people expect me to react?

I sometimes wonder how they'd react if I'd been straight on and smacked them in their smiley faces. Why won't people accept the fact that women can also have beer bellies, fat bellies, chubby "grab it with your palm" bellies?

Next time some random, curious, smiley idiot walks up to me and asks me if I'm pregnant I'll simply smile and answer, "No, I'm just fat." THEN I'll ask them a very personal question, or even an offending question, like "So, are you retarded?" with a smile, of course.

HEATHER FERRIGAN

Vice sez: As uncomfortable as those situations may be, we feel like you're looking at this whole thing in a "glass half-empty" sort of way, when there are a lot of positives to your situation. For instance, you will always get a seat offered to you on the subway for the rest of your life, or, if you don't live in a city, you can always park in those spots reserved for pregnant ladies right up at the front of the lot. Also… actually, those are about the only upsides to your predicament. Man, how great was Benny Hill though? Do you think people ever mistook him for an old lesbian in his later years?