FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Sports

Get Stoned and Look at Our Homemade Pro-athlete Stoner Memes

I have no doubt that at this very instant there are hundreds if not thousands of Very Serious Stoners sitting around, getting high, eating crunchy stuff from a bag, and watching the Olympics; it's the summer and everyone is out of work. There’s nothing...
August 4, 2012, 1:30pm

I have no doubt that at this very instant there are hundreds if not thousands of Very Serious Stoners sitting around, getting high, eating crunchy stuff from a bag, and watching the Olympics; it's the summer and everyone is out of work. There’s nothing else to do but burn one, dudes.

What I don't get is why potheads think that: 1) Michael Phelps smokes as much weed as they do based on one ill-timed photo, and 2) That he's the only successful and talented professional athlete who’s been caught smoking weed. This makes me assume that many marijuana enthusiasts never heard of the NBA or baseball (especially a guy named Bill Lee who was high for 75 percent of his major league career.)

Advertisement

Occasionally I’m forced to look at memes such as the poorly conceived example shown above. This is mostly because someone emails or texts one to me, and I don’t have much of a choice. I'm supposed to laugh, I guess, but usually I just stare at them and wonder if the same part of my brain that hates Arrested Development also makes me think memes are stupid.

For starters, the font used for most of them drives me up the wall, and I'm so goddamn sick of Willy Wonka being condescending about everything. Gene Wilder was deaf for fuck’s sake! Show some respect.

Anyway, a ton of pot-smoking "winners" came to mind when I saw these Phelps memes, and I felt bad they didn't have their very own. The only appropriate course of action was to make them some in celebration of the unsung and very stoned champions of sport and weed.

TIM LINCECUM
Timmy has long hair, brah, and was blazing in his Benzo when the cops busted him for smoking weed in Seattle, which is like getting arrested for swimming in Hawaii. He hates grunge but loves Family Guy and the Beatles. He's also won the World Series, two Cy Young awards, and is a four-time All Star. SNOOCHIE FUCKING BOOCHIES!

ROSS REBAGLIATI
Ross isn't a household name, but he won the first-ever Olympic gold metal for men's snowboarding. He later tested positive for THC and they took the medal back but then the committee forgot it wasn't banned and had to let him keep it.

MARIO CHALMERS
In 2008, Mario and Darrell Arthur were caught smoking the doja in their hotel room during NBA rookie camp and fined for it. You might not have noticed, but his current team, the Miami Heat, now led by that LeBron dude, won an NBA title. I'm sure he learned his lesson as a rookie and celebrated responsibly.

SANTONIO HOLMES
The 2009 Super Bowl MVP—who as a teenager sold mad trees in Florida—has been arrested for disorderly conduct, domestic violence, assault, and possession. In 2010 he allegedly threw a glass at a girl in an Orlando nightclub (you should probably stay out of Florida, dude) and also told a Twitter follower to "kill urself" after she dissed him. He also once tweeted that it was time to "wake n bake," which is weird because I’m pretty sure the acting of tweeting requires you to be awake. Think about it, brosephs.

KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR
Growing up a Celtics fan meant that I really hated Kareem's nerdy goggles, flashy skyhook, and stupid face. Still, I have to admit that even though he won all those titles dressed in purple and gold (puke), he’s still pretty rad. Although Kareem didn’t get nearly as much pussy as his mentor-turned-nemesis Wilt Chamberlain, he did get to fight Bruce Lee in Game of Death, and acted in Airplane!, almost every sitcom ever made, and even 21 Jump Street. In 1998, he was pulled over for speeding through the San Fernando Valley and subsequently arrested on the suspicion of being stoned to the bone behind the wheel. Kareem was chillin’ so hard that he was nothing but "very respectful of the officers who arrested him, and very cooperative," according to a police spokesperson. Always setting a good example for the young people—that's Kareem if it’s anybody.