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THE VICE HAPPINESS SURVEY

November 17, 2010, 11:20am

This week, David Cameron and the Tory government announced plans to start monitoring the UK's happiness levels in order to make better decisions on future policy. Frankly, you'd have thought these photos said it all. But in case they don't, we've put together our own survey to help you figure out where your life lands on the happiness spectrum.

Award yourself ten points for every time you answer a), five points for every b) and one point for every c).

How active are you in reducing humanity's impact on the environment?
a) I volunteer to pick litter from the streets of my borough every Saturday and voted Green at the last election.
b) I drop cigarette butts all over town, but every time I unwrap a new packet I stuff the plastic film in the tiny coke-pocket of my jeans until I can find a trashcan.
c) I have effectively commandeered three of the four recycling boxes in my home to cope with the debris of my own personal alcohol intake, and if I see someone drop litter in the street I pick it up and stuff it in their bin* (*their/their baby's/their dog's mouth).

When I'm walking down the street feeling glum and a passer-by tells me to "smile" I...
a) Guffaw loudly, shake my head in disdain at my own self-seriousness and then go about my business with a renewed sense of vigor. One smile always makes two! b) Continue frowning until they're out of sight, then smile wryly to myself; because I know the world's not all that bad really, and football's on TV tonight.
c) Grope them.

Have you recently gouged your mother's eyes out and then attempted to rape her, before fleeing the house naked and hurling yourself into moving traffic?
a) No, I do not live in Slough.
b) Not that I can remember, but if I stretch my imagination enough I can almost understand what might drive someone to that. That's what The Stranger was about, right?
c) Yes, I live in Slough.

Our generation constantly faces accusations that it is to blame for its own dumbing down and that we are all babies incapable of growing up. This would seem to indicate that the actor who most defines Generation Smoking Ban is Adam Sandler. The plots of all Adam Sandler films can be reduced to the simple, two-word maxim: Idiot Prospers. Which of the phrases below most applies to your own life-narrative?
a) Square Conquers
b) Chancer Abides
c) Gamete Ruins

The internet's encroachment into our lives has left many people isolated in musty bedrooms, signalling the dawn of a new era of digital hermit-dom. As you sit reading this, which of the following statements most resonates with you?
a) Grand achievements in art are beyond our reach now--sadly there will never be another Sagrada Familia or Sistine Chapel ceiling because we are so distracted by the constant stream of information that rides into our lives through the internet.
b) I order my dinner from the internet, I moan about pointless shit to the internet, and I fall asleep a foot away from my laptop while masturbating to the internet. My computer is my girlfriend and the internet is her soul.
c) I'm not gonna lie, the thought of going to the local shop to buy some soap and a new roll of trash bags has me shaking like a shitting dog.

When you last made the fortnightly phone call to your parents, how often did they feel the need to console you?
a) Just once, and it was unnecessary really. They don't understand that getting something published online is just as valid as having something printed in a magazine.
b) More than ten.
c) I don't know, they never pick up.

In 1960 the Situationist International, lead by Guy Debord, laid out a manifesto that railed against the "society of the spectacle," pledging to replace it with a "situationist culture [that] introduces total participation." How much stock do you place in vicarious victories?
a) If my football team loses it sours my weekend.
b) I cry if I'm watching someone run for the bus and they don't make it.
c) I HATE Wagner!!! (8 minutes ago via Blackberry - Like - Comment).

When people are depressed it's often because they're lonely, and when they're lonely they often feel the need to lash out at others who are different than them. Think back to the last sweeping generalization you made--who or what did you dismiss in its entirety?
a) A genre of music.
b) A race.
c) I've never dismissed anything that hasn't dismissed me first.

Weather conditions can have a profound effect on mood. You wake up and it's raining outside, and you immediately think:
a) Umbrella today.
b) Fuck the outside world.
c) I wish I had a house.

By the time I wake up, most of the children around the country are:
a) Sitting in bed watching cartoons on Channel 4.
b) On their way to school.
c) Running screaming into the sea.

Gallows humor is a great way to shed light on dark moments. When was the last time you, your friends, and a small collection of hungover strangers laughed so hard at the pathetic state of your own lives that you had to wipe your eyes dry with your sleeve?
a) Last weekend when Martin booked the table at Carluccio's for 8pm rather than quarter till. Well, we laughed then, but when we turned up for the 9pm showing of The Social Network we'd missed half the trailers! b) A couple of nights ago when I woke up fully-clothed on the living room sofa again.
c) When I cry now nothing comes out.

The last time I was "tagged" in a photograph on Facebook, I was:
a) Surrounded by bridesmaids staring lovingly into the deep, wet wells of my true love's eyes.
b) Trying to correct a gurn and wishing I'd bought some Magnesium Citrate.
c) "Untagged" immediately by everyone else in the photograph.

Grunge was a notoriously morose style of music. Which of these famous grunge quotes most applies to your life?
a) "Conscience is the greatest curse/ The fridge is full of just desserts."
b) "The world is a vampire/ sent to drain."
c) "...before turning the gun on himself."

I cum:
a) Three times a week, all assisted.
b) One time a week assisted, six times manual.
c) Perpetually.

What is your reaction to the man pictured above?
a) OMG, he's great, isn't he?
b) Bit of a berk, but loveable enough I suppose, lol.
c) Gut the fat-tongued cockney like a pig and see what his gristle does to the bellies of children, ffs.

When my internet connection drops out for a couple of minutes, I:
a) Realize that this is a common problem and re-plug the power cable in my modem.
b) Shake my head, hammer repeatedly at the refresh button and swear audibly in the hope that my flatmate will come and see me and we can bitch about how shitty it is to each other.
c) Mentally compare my fate to that of Romanian sewer children.

WHAT YOUR RESULTS SAY ABOUT YOU

125 and above:
You are a hideously smug human being, whose happy camper routine doesn't spur others on to higher levels of emotional achievement, it just makes you look like an insensitive prick.

Happiness: 6/10

Political ramifications: You will be hit with wildly disproportionate taxation and funding for everything you love (community crochet classes and impenetrable foreign cinema) will be withdrawn with immediate effect. Stoke Newington will be bombed and Richard Hammond's head will sit blowing kisses to Gwyneth Paltrow's on a spike outside Westminster.

100-124:
You may have fooled yourself into thinking that you're growing up with just enough dishonor to keep something of the wideboy/good-time-girl about you, but in reality working 10:00 - 6:00 in a media job all week and ruining your weekend by blowing your brains out on cocaine every Friday may not actually be "keeping it real." Similar people will be fond of you because you reinforce the delusions that they share, but all of your old friends are probably wondering when you became a boring cunt without a brain.

Happiness: 3/10

Political ramifications: Funding for everything you love (The Royal Parks Foundation and British "kitchen sink" cinema) will be withdrawn with immediate effect.

70-99:
You may think you have enough depth to separate yourself from all the people getting married on your Facebook feed, but in reality there are so many other people like you now that you actually exist in a subculture best described as The New Squaredom. You revere David Mitchell and think no-one's written a decent song in 40 years--a philosophy which makes you very proud to be culturally out of touch.

Happiness: 3/10

Political ramifications: Your morose attitude toward life means you will be hit with wildly disproportionate taxation, though you don't truly love anything outside of the Dave scheduling enough for funding cuts to make an impression.

19-69:
If you fall in this category, I feel genuine concern for you. Scratch this number into the headboard of your bed: 08457 90 90 90.

Happiness: N/A

Political ramifications: Well I guess you might assassinate someone one day.

18 and under:
You're a prick who lied on a pointless questionnaire in an attempt to live vicariously through the foulest elements of society. I bet you walk around talking about how you see a lot of yourself in Larry David.

KEV KHARAS