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Vice Blog

ROBOT NURSE BEARS ARE TERRIFYING

When I used to work for a medical website putting weird and depressing stuff online all day I saw some press releases for some bizarre shit. I don't see that stuff on a daily basis anymore, but every now and then I'll get a stray email notifying me of the next big thing in the medical biz. Over the weekend I got one for a thing called RIBA the Robot Nurse Bear. Even by Japan's standards this thing is creepy.

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I don't think it can be denied that Japan has always had an affinity for weird robots. Take, for instance, the God * Jesus Robot. These things were around in the 80s and worked a lot like those Magic 8 Ball things, except instead of spitting out secular advice at random, the God * Jesus robot tapped into the HT (Holy Trinity) for divine answers.

Or how about HoneyDolls? That one up there is called "Teens Body" and it moans until you shove your cock in its mouth. The best part about these ladies is that you can upload any sound you want via MP3 and the thing will whisper it softly into your ear while you pound away crying softly to yourself. The worst part, according to their website, is "its material is silicone, whose tear resistance is relatively low, and so we recommend you to avoid using the doll in an improper posture." Which is a HUGE drawback, because if you're the type of man who spends thousands of dollars on a doll to fuck, you're probably into some shit besides missionary.

But as disturbing as those two things are, there's something about watching a gigantic robotic polar bear pick up a crippled and diseased child in its arms that chills me to the core. The Robot Nurse Bear can pick up 140 pounds of kid, and was invented to help out in understaffed Japanese hospitals. So I guess it means well, but fuck if I'd let an electronic paedobear grope my 11 year-old invalid from his bed to a wheelchair.

JONATHAN SMITH