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Vice Blog

RIO - A DAY AT THE BEACH


I was in a meeting in Rio de Janeiro yesterday and it ended early so I decided to throw on some shorts and walk down to Ipanema, one of the world's busiest beaches. It's also one of the world's drowning capitals because there are always strong currents, the handful of lifeguards spend most of their time talking to girls and one rescue helicopter cannot perform enough flashy Baywatch-style rescues to cover the entire beach.

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The water was choppy with tiny waves that seemed to break randomly at any point on the horizon. I tore off my shirt and waded in, past an otherwise pasty German tourist who had a perfectly shaped red triangle on his chest that matched his completely sunburned head, which was sporting a crewcut. Making it successfully past the nut freeze of first genital contact with the sea, I swam out a good hundred yards and started breast-stroking parallel to the beach.

After a few minutes I became annoyed with the tiny waves that kept slapping me on the head, tugging me this way and back, alternately towards and away from shore. I slowed down, flipped over and started floating on my back with my hands behind my head, bobbing up and down with the movement of the ocean. I surveyed the midrises that line the beach, down towards the mountains, and the Vidigal shantytown at the end of Leblon. "Ahh," I thought, "Total relaxation."

Suddenly I heard a splash. Panic. "Why did I ever see Jaws?" I think. I try to relax and, out of the corner of my eye, see something black bobbing in the water. It's a giant human turd about one foot from my head. Real panic.

I take off swimming like mad but a current starts sucking me back towards the turd. It starts raining over a small patch of water in front of me. I can't seem to reach the beach. The turd is stalking me. I am stuck in a weird microclimactic region. A slightly larger wave comes and I swim with it, riding in its wake. I'm sucked backwards a bit and catch another one. Soon I am on shore, looking back at the turd, which is still bobbing in the water some 30 yards off shore. Pain rips through my knee and I realize that I've pulled something. I limp back to my folding beach chair and realize I've injured myself fighting to escape from a floating piece of human feces.

PIP