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Vice Blog

LONDON - GREAT BAND OF THE WEEK: CHINESE SLOPPY PLOP

Any video with the tags "love, hate, rape, evil, cunt, fuck, Satan, devil, abuse, revenge, grave, yard stone, life, death, and Orkney" sounds pretty promising, right? Even if the band has the single most fucking retarded name in the history of music: Chinese Sloppy Plop. This song appears to be about a girl who gets beaten by her dad and a guy who fancies her decides that the best way into her knickers is to torture and kill him. This subtle tale of courtship and romance is set to a video consisting of one plagiarized goth image after another, each so mindblowingly literal that when the lyrics go: "When you were three," we are treated to a badge with the number 3 on it. It's all so earnest it's terrifying. As far as I can see, some poor girl from the Orkney Islands had a horrible childhood and a violent stalker shouting gobshit emo-isms at her window at night. "Buy you diamonds, buy you gold, as your father burns in hell."