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AFRICA - MONSIEUR MUGABE, YOU'RE REALLY SPOILING US WITH THE ROCHER


Mr. Mugabe, the scourge of Africa, is nearly 80! His birthday party will involve, among other things (like Nero-esque human flaming torches, I imagine), 2,000 bottles of champagne, 8,000 lobsters, 100kg of prawns, 3,000 ducks, and 8,000 boxes of Ferrero Rocher. Now, once we got our minds around the absolutely horrifying fact that he is planning to shovel this food down the throat of his (surely) limited number of close friends in a country where seven million citizens survive on food from charities, another stultifying issue arises: 8,000 boxes of rich hazelnut bon bons?

I should think these are just about palatable in a frost touched mountain top castle, but in Zimbabwe? Imagine working your way through 8,000 boxes of the fuckers in high humidity with the fear of imprisonment and willy-nilly beatings hanging over your head if you offend your host. I tried to calculate how many actual sweets you get from 8,000 boxes, but since my youth they seem to have diversified into a variety of different sized boxes, and I have no way of knowing if Robby boy is into the bunny shaped one, the heart shaped one, or the more traditional square two tier format. One thing is for sure, this is fucking bad taste party planning. It makes one wish for a Wild Geese moment.

BRUNO BAYLEY