Confessions is a series of essays on personal experiences, many of which have been kept secret for a long time. By sharing these previously confidential accounts, we explore our own mental health without judgment and in the hope that it makes it a little lighter of a burden for us to carry. It's also a reminder that no matter how odd or unique these experiences can be, there's always someone who can relate – and none of us are alone.
I don't know how and when I developed a cuckold fetish. It’s one of those taboo fetishes that people don’t talk about. In this situation, a man takes pleasure in watching his partner having sex with someone else, where he is only allowed to watch unless asked/commanded to participate by his “superiors”.
Maybe it was in late 2018, when my first threesome with this guy I had just started dating turned into a weird power struggle, when the guy I was “sharing” him with pulled him away from me to devour him all by himself, and for the first time in the longest time, I felt my boner die. It was as if I lost some battle with my sexuality that day. It took a while to get back to feeling normal again and once the guy left, I could proceed with my main squeeze at full mast. That feeling haunted me for a while, but I found myself yearning for that feeling again.
Maybe it was in early 2019, when the guy spoken of above turned into my full-fledged partner and we were experimenting with monogamy. We lay in bed and I wondered if now was the right time to talk to him about not being stuck in a monogamous setting. I also wondered how a third guy with us in bed finishing up the job for me would look like. I asked him if he was willing to open up the relationship. It wasn’t unheard of in the community and if RuPaul could be in one, then why not lowly mortals like us? It took him a while before he could come around to understanding it. Sexual and spiritual entanglements are entirely different. Or perhaps it was a good way to convince ourselves that this was going to be a new normal in a world where ten apps are filled with a hundred guys that are willing to come over if you have “place”.
Maybe it was later in 2019, when after experimenting and finding comfort in our new arrangement, we decided that it was the right time to welcome a guy into our abode for a three-way that could possibly be my redemption from the last time. We picked someone we both knew and had met before on separate occasions. So there was no awkwardness for any parties involved. And without any foreboding, we jumped right into it. It became a beautiful synchronous melody, where nobody felt left out and everyone desired the other. It feels weird writing these things down because I know how the Indian society perceives it, but that’s the reality of it. Sometimes it feels amazing to share your love with someone outside your relationship. The outpour of sensuous energy that afternoon in our apartment was unparalleled.
Maybe it was in early 2020, right before the lockdown put a temporary ban on all sexual fetishes, where we had a newfound respect for each other in our relationship and our wonderful third wheel (or a ‘bull’ as one may call them) was around whenever we beckoned him. By now, we had found a certain ease with our bodies and we didn’t shy away from telling each other about our other sexcapades. But the ones with our bull were the best because they seemed so non-fussy. During one of these encounters, I found myself trying to not be the alpha for a change, and let him have the proverbial reigns if you may. I just took a step back and watched what was unfolding in front of me.
A major part of being the cuck is also being teased. And my partner and the bull jumped right into their roles—tempting me, mocking me, arousing me with every taunt. But I could do nothing. I was just to bear the humiliation that came with being a cuck, and I felt most of my sexual insecurities waft away. If being inadequate is sexy for a change, then so be it. For once, it wasn’t just another ordinary threesome. It was operatic. Hey, Shakespeare did enjoy using the word ‘cuckold’ a lot. In our own script, there was no jealousy, there was no malice—there was just acceptance in all our parts of the roles we had chosen.
Just like God when he created the universe, we knew we were pleased.
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This article originally appeared on VICE IN.