What to get the stoner dad who's seen it all—and more importantly—smoked it all? He lived through the Reagan administration, a few pyramid schemes, too many band members with lead singer’s disease, a brush with a cult (or two), and whatever cultural boiling point Howard the Duck represented. This Father’s Day, Dad is exhausted. Wistful, as always. Nostalgic (of course). But, as a long-standing stoner who has Seen Some Shit, Man, he deserves a Father’s Day gift that can give him a 2021 brain break, while also paying homage to his high-flying life.
Before you start sifting through designer lighters, you must honestly ask yourself: Exactly what kind of stoner is dad? There are oh-so-many out there [cracks open Kinder Surprise Egg]. There’s the fancy stoner pops who will appreciate a box of artisanal CBD gumdrops, the classic stoner dad who still catches Cheech and Chong on cable, the one who needs a corn cob pipe, the one who needs the equivalent of a cannabis Easy Bake Oven, and the one who might not smoke so much anymore, but would love to do so if he knew about the broad range of mellow, CBD-derived joints and goods on the market. We’ve found something for all of ‘em—and maybe a few ashtrays for you, too.
Come on in! The bong water’s fine.
A mellow smoke (just like dad used to toke)
Weed has gotten so damn intense since the 70s. Which is cool, if you still have the spring-back energy of a teen named Tyler who owns a Volvo station wagon. Dad, on the other hand, might not want a trip across the galaxy with every toke these days. He might be ready for his own, mellower smoke sesh, which is where Dad Grass comes in. “[It’s] an L.A.-based company that sells organic CBD joints and flower (un-rolled hemp nugs) that contain, by law, less than 0.3 percent THC,” explained Adam Rothbarth in his review of the company’s CBD joints—which are totally legal to buy and ship. Dad will love these, since they were born from the nostalgia of that moment you snuck into his very stash back in the day. “I gave up pot half a decade ago,” says Rothbarth, “but when I first tried a Dad Grass joint, it really did take me back to that lazy-day feeling of smoking a J, fulfilling all of the enjoyable, ritualistic aspects of sitting in my rocking chair with the window open, enjoying a few hits alongside a cold beer…”
For a budding interest in photography
Does your stoner dad own a telescope? Was he really good at helping you with your Algebra 1 homework? Can he quote a lot of smart dead people off-hand? If so, his next toilet/coffee table read should be this book, which is a visual voyage into the heart of the strains he loves (and some that might be new). “The 'Primer’ section explores the culture of this complex flower and explains the botany that makes each strain unique,” explains the book’s publisher, “[while] the ‘Buds’ section describes the variations of lineage, flavor, and mental or physical high that define 170 exceptional strains.” Daddy loves his facts.
Green: A Field Guide to Marijuana $35 at Chronicle
A lighter worth an “unboxing”
Tsubota Pearl lighters have been hand-crafted in Japan since the 1950s, and really feel like gifts when you unwrap them. Their little boxes come with a lovely description for dad to examine while he unwraps a lighter that will actually look good floating around the living room and the den.
Tsubota Pearl Solid Lighter, $30 at Tetra
No more teeny tiny grinders
Bespoke Post is the cult fave site for urban lumberjacks, so of course they made a big, walnut-wood grinder for Lumberjack Size Hands which still manages to look like an art object. “Herb grinders shouldn’t be flat and dinky,” their team explains about the nearly four-inch-tall grinder, which makes so much sense if you think about it. Why make them so small? We’re not American Girl dolls.
The Hemson Walnut Grinder, $95 at Bespoke Post
Your dad is the grandpa from ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’
Haaaaard chiller. But a man who appreciates the finer things in life, nonetheless. Such as: the stoner gummy factory where bespoke, CBD-derived gummies like these are made. If you’re new to Lord Jones, the artisanal brand makes CBD confections that taste great (this selection is strawberry- and lemon-flavored, with 20mg of CBD per gumdrop), and come in such nice packaging that the only thing left for you to do is sneakily place them on dad’s nightstand.
Old Fashioned Hemp-Derived CBD Gumdrops, $45 at Lord Jones
He’s tired of rolling Js
He’s wiped your butt, so don’t make him roll his own Js this Father’s Day. These are “hand-rolled and tied from organically grown Coromandel Ebony leaves and complete with a corn husk filter.” They have zero toxins or glues, and they look lowkey swish in that little box.
Herbal Goods Co. Organic Pre-Rolled Smoking Cones, $21 at Bespoke Post
A bunch of donuts
Light up the Dad Grass, and say "I love you" in sprinkles. Bonus: You will definitely be the shining star of the family for bringing the donuts. (Because today is about you obviously.) Hopping off our toxic shit now, but don’t forget to try the one with cereal flakes on it.
Best Dad Ever Donuts from Angel Food Bakery, $79 at Goldbelly
Take a hike
Is your dad an outdoorsy, hiking dad who still puts sunscreen on like this? Try OFFFIELD, the CBD sports drink that's kinda like weed Gatorade (we kid, FTA agent) because it is intended to keep you energized yet chilled on the trail, tennis court, or what have you. “It also contains L-theanine, an amino acid best known as the stuff in tea that gives you that cozy and chill feeling when you're halfway through a cuppa,” explained Hilary Pollack in her OFFFIELD review. “I felt like I could hike forever, trekking endlessly without a care in the world [...] Of course, it could all just be that I was in a good mood for other reasons of unclear origin [...] maybe it's psychosomatic, or maybe, just maybe, it's the CBD and adaptogens and electrolytes.”
Enhanced Hydration (12 pack), $39.99 at OFFFIELD
His pores aren’t the only things that are clogged
The Classic Hemp Leaf Clog by Crocs is the perfect tightrope walk between Boomer Dad and Stoner Dad. The say “I’m functional, but also functional. Also weed.”
Take him back to opening night of a Cheech and Chong movie
The year? 1981. The place? Not sure, man. But returning dad to the visceral joy of experiencing a Cheech and Chong flick during its prime era is *chef’s kiss.*
“Cheech And Chong's Nice Dreams“ Original 1981 American Lobby Card of Movie, $373.29 at 1stDibs
Actually, just get Chong to personally wish happy Father’s Day
What’s Cameo, you ask? Think of it as a virtual grab bag of commissionable celebrity greetings, from actors to sports players; from musicians to... Carole Baskin, who is still out here milking the tiger for all she can. It is the best cursed place online to break through the fourth wall with David Hasselhoff, members of Insane Clown Posse, and—yes—Tommy Chong himself. The legend will typically respond within 10 hours (fast, for a stoner king!) and you can browse past messages he’s made for fans to get a feel of what you can expect.
Personalized Video Greeting from Tommy Chong,
$150 $112.50 at Cameo
Wake and bake
Basically an Easy Bake Oven, but for cannabis. “It "decarboxylate[s] THC, CBD, or CBG, infuse[s] oils, butters, milks and creams, [and is] perfect for both the expert user and the newbie,” explained its founder and CEO, Shanel Lyndsay. Ardent also offers stoner snack packs for those who can’t bake for their life, but love a good brownie. “[It’s an] all-in-one, portable canna-kitchen that fully activates your plant material, including flower, kief, or concentrate, and has settings to infuse, cook and bake right inside.” It’s easily transportable, cleanable, and will be a great bonding experience for you and Dad.
Ardent FX, $350 at Ardent
For the daddy in distress
This might be a niche reach, but have you ever met the straight-forward, quiet stoner dad? The one who just quietly does his thing, and has a very practical approach to everything? Reviewers have called these destress-centered CBD tablets “a gift for teachers!!” because they’re intended to work gradually, over the course of a month, to reduce anxiety (without sending you flying high). That’s because the formula also includes L-tyrosine, which purportedly supports mental processing and mood-balancing.
Rae Wellness Destress Capsules, $15 at Single Dose
Fulfill that corn cob pipe destiny
Does your dad have a porch? An antique hay hook? Is he the main bear from The Country Bears? Cool.
The Green Cannabis Co. Corn Cob Pipe, $26 at Bespoke Post
OK, so maybe this is a gift for you
This one’s for the ska daddies—or any daddy whose desk needs a little optical zhuzhing, courtesy of a personality-fluffing ashtray or catch-all for his roaches and/or crusty dad hanky. Think of how much fun it will be to stare at this checkerboard pattern after the third hit of a J; it’s playful but not childish, classic but oh so trendy. It’s daddy, daddy cool.
Checkered Marble Ashtray, $70 at Tetra
... Or you can also just say you made this ashtray
But also not, because it’s Off White, which makes it the perfect gift for the streetwear stoner dad. Gotta love that it looks like it came from the kiln of a Montessori school, though.
Glossy Taupe Meteor Ashtray, $130 at Off White
The Antiques Roadshow stoner dad
Yes, this mid-20th-century French provincial ~"marihuana apothecary"~ jar is $$$, but see if you can go in on it with your 20 siblings for a one-of-a-kind gift that’ll be an instant family heirloom. “Finally!” Dad will say, “a vessel that can go from cookie jar, to dank jar, to urn.”
Limoges Marihuana Gold Rimmed Apothecary Jar, $1,200 at 1stDibs
Sail on, my dank daddies.
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