Sydney = Vapes. Melbourne = Ciggies.

Both smoking and vaping are objectively bad. Smoking cigarettes can cause cancer, heart disease, stroke, it can mess with your eyes, your lungs, your immune system. Vapes are just as bad. It’s got some nasty stuff inside of it: nail polish remover, weed killer, bug spray. Apparently, it can increase depression and anxiety. Oh, and lead to lung cancer.

But I’ve had an observation about these dirty, dirty drugs… 

It begins with the most famous rivalry in Australia, or at least residents like to think so. I am talking, of course, about the Sydney vs Melbourne war. And while there are endless ways to characterise either great city, a phenomenon has risen over the last few years that perfectly encapsulates the divide once and for all. It is something I haven’t been able to shake.

In Sydney, there is hardly a ciggie in sight. Every hip, gunslinging, cocktail-drinking young person has a vape in hand. But Melbourne remains home to the nasty ciggie. 

Yes, that’s right. Sydney is for vape smokers. Melbourne is for ciggie munchers.

Let me explain.

Melbourne is often referred to as the New York City of Australia, while Sydney is L.A. Melbourne is Berlin, apparently, while Sydney is the, uh… other warm place in Europe's general vicinity. Melbourne is the dirty underground. Sydney is the shiny mainstream. And while everyone in Melbourne is depressed, unhealthy, going goblin-mode and enjoying better cultural exploits, Sydney is a health conscious, hustling, business-driven chaos.

While Melbournians are hunkering outside in the cold, in haze-filled smokers, infesting their lungs with arsenic and cadmium, Sydney-siders vape at their desks, in the club and on the dance floor. You can’t walk down the street without being engulfed in a sweet smelling white cloud. 

Most people I have asked agree with me. In a poll on Instagram, two-thirds of my general followers thought Melbourne “smoked more cigs”.

When I asked people why, one reply encapsulated it perfectly: “Melbourne is more depressed”. 

There were other thoughts, too. “Sydney is health-focused. Melbourne is poser-focused,” said one guy. “Melbourne is grimy AF” said someone else.

Someone tried to drag the sweet state of Queensland into the discussion, ‘Brisbane smokes way more ciggies per capita than both’. And that’s actually true.

A 2019 poll from The Cancer Council on tobacco use in Australia, found that Queensland and Nothern Territory residents were the most prevalent cigarette smokers. But between Victoria and NSW, Victoria amassed a greater share.While women over 18-years-old were around the same when it came to puffing on the cancer stick, the numbers for Victorian men were a little higher. Same with persons who smoked a mix of tobacco, cigars and pipes.

And while the numbers seem to agree, I’d like to supply a few unscientific hypotheses for why the vape = Sydney and the cigarette = Melbourne.

First: Sydneysiders seem more desperately high tech. They are hankering for anything new, shiny, and that will get them ahead. Some think Sydney’s culture was the first to inherit the vape, around the second COVID lockdown. It is the hustle and bustle city, the get-ahead city, the cut-throat rat race. Everything’s quick, everybody’s quick, and the slow-roll of a cigarette is just too much…effort. 

Sydneysiders, too, contain that reputation of health consciousness - and from my point of view they look it, too (it’s the sun and the beaches). The smell of a ciggie, the ever-lasting odour on clothes, the yellow fingers and teeth… it just doesn’t fit the aesthetic. Vapes aren’t much better - but they seem to leave less of a trace.

Melbourne, on the other hand, is old school, still living in the rotting punk days of the 1980s. Everyone's a bit dirtier, living an underground rock fantasy with dark clothes, dark demeanors and a general unwillingness to be happy - especially in the Winter. They sip on their coffees, taking the time to roll a little cigarette. Life is slower. 

The stereotype of the Melbourne resident, desperate to struggle but actually protected by uber-wealthy parents with a CBD penthouse, is especially big in the northside of the city. But Sydney-siders like to appear rich, like they have a dozen income revenues. And while ciggies and vapes aren’t perfectly associated with a certain socio-economic standing, historically ciggies have always been a manifestation of the underground. In short: Melbourne.

While these findings and arguments are incredibly inconclusive, there is some power in observation. While both cities have their pros and cons, and while I genuinely believe that both are nice to live in (except for, of course, Sydney’s exorbitant prices), the chatter of the vape and ciggie divide was one that couldn’t be ignored.

What they say about culture – the people and character – is interesting in itself. Each suits the movements of their fitting city, whether it be the vapey, quick-pace, hustle bustle of the NSW east coast, or the cold, cultural, but cigarette-orientation of Victoria’s west. 

I think I’m right.

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