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Last-Minute Valentine's Day Gifts That Won’t Get You Dumped

Hello, fellow procrastinator and V-Day apathete. Let these last-minute Valentine's Day ideas save the day, from fancy food to kinky presents and more.
Hilary Pollack
Los Angeles, US
last minute valentines day gifts
Composite by VICE Staff

If you’re here, don’t worry. Perhaps you’re an amazing person, who, due to certain events, needs a last-minute Valentine’s Day present that won’t get you dumped. Perhaps you don't even need a gift for your beloved, but for a parent, aunt, or frenemy (in a platonic way, weirdo). Or maybe you’re a meh person who needs to expend just enough brain cells to ride out Cuffing Season. We tip our beanies to you all. But remember when we mentioned that supply chain issues were making holiday orders arrive late? Well, that’s still a thing, which means now is the time smash that order button for your baby to this V-Day, or find presents that require zero shipping.

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The following V-Day gifts thrive at the time-sensitive intersection of thoughtful indulgences, and affordability; uniqueness, and wide appeal. Some are sensual, low-key, and boozy; others are environmentally minded, practical, and not-so-secretly self-serving (because a gift of sweet sheets for your boo is also a gift for you); and others yet are a little out there, for those of us who like the road less-traveled. Most importantly, they ooze of care that will last beyond Valentine’s Day, and save you from creating one of those handmade coupon books that should be prohibited beyond 6th grade (who TF wants to “redeem a hug”?). From our long-standing relationship people to the fresh love bugs, mosey on over. The ice gets much thicker here.


The Best Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts for Food Lovers

A heart-shaped box of meat

Before they met you, they had a toughened heart of jerky. Now they’re meltingly romantic lover of love, and muncher of eight different kinds of jeryky sticks in this special box from Man Crates, from whiskey maple honey bourbon and more.


$39.99 at Man Crates

$39.99 at Man Crates

A crazy sexy cool chef's knife

A big sharp knife… romantic? We dare say yes. It can be a turnoff watching your beloved trying to hack apart an onion with a blunt-ass IKEA number that they've had since college, but watching them slide through tomatoes like they're butter with this Material chef's knife? Wowza. Is giving your honey a murder weapon a little bit Patrick Bateman? Maybe. But being a good cook is our kink. Huckberry is currently offering this exclusive color of the popular brand's best knife, and they've also got super-fast shipping on lock so you'll get in time for V-Day. 

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$75 at Huckberry

$75 at Huckberry

Are you more of a V-Day traditionalist? (That’s the best kind, if you ask us). Get you hunny a chef’s knife by Misen in a romantic red hue. “This versatile knife combines the best features of both Western- and Japanese-style blades,” explains Misen, “making it excel at any cutting task or technique.”


$75 at Misen

$75 at Misen

All the beans you’ve yet to love

Much like art done by kids, it is (almost) impossible for coffee to suck. Sure, some will be technically better (queue up that video of Marie Kondo teaching parents to part with their babies’ sub-par art), but it will always be Basically Good, which makes coffee a fail-proof V-Day gift. This artisanal subscription doesn’t toss you random beans, but takes note of all your flavor town needs via an extensive questionnaire, and woos you with beans from the nation’s top roasters. 


$60 at Trade Coffee

$60 at Trade Coffee

A natural wine club we can actually afford

We love natural wine for the lack of chemical gunk and reduced sulfites, but especially because its OG winemakers consider tannins and buttholes equal fodder for wine club talk. This subscription by MYSA is big on featuring bottles from indie winemakers, and comes with “personalized information on the producer, notes on the wine, serving suggestions, and (our favorite part) food pairing suggestions.” A great gift for Virgos, and anyone whose love language is label-making.  Opt to send your sweet wine for anywhere from one month to an entire year.

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$254.85 at MYSA

$254.85 at MYSA

Surf 'n' turf that will show up on your doorstep

There's that accurate but kind-of-gross-if-you-think-about-it saying that the best way to one's heart is through their stomach, and putting aside the mental butchery, it's true that if you wanna impress your date, you'd best figure out what they love to feast on. This set from Crowd Cow comes with two lobster tails and two sirloin steaks for a lock 'n' load surf 'n' turf that will be so much better than Sizzler, have no wait for delivery, and go perfectly with some ice-cold martinis. 


$70.48 at Crowd Cow

$70.48 at Crowd Cow

This bottled Mediterranean summer, c. 1976 

We’ve already written a sonnet to this non-alcoholic apéritif, along with a smorg of the best non-alcoholic spirits out there, but “Ghia” gets an encore, because, look at it. They’ve bottled the pulse of the retro Amalfi Coast with a ‘spirit’ that reviewers say “It reminded me a bit of Campari, but better!!!” They also offer sweet add-ons like edible flowers, and a bunch of drink recipes. 


$33 at Ghia

$33 at Ghia

The promise of endless ice cream

The shipping is going to run a little too tight with most mail-order ice cream, so at this point it’s better to gift a subscription—maybe a hefty one that feels artisanal. McConnell’s Fine Ice Cream’s is one of the best creameries in the United States, but still operates from the pearly udders of California cows, or something, and they offer a “Pint of the Month” subscription that delivers not one, but three different flavors in your monthly subscription package. McConnell’s truly has flavor profiles for everyone, from the uncle who uses “lunch” like a verb (see: Earl Grey Tea and Shortbread Cookies) to the lover who once saved a feral kitten from a silo (Cookie Dough). The creamery even gives you a little certificate to print out, so you’re not actually empty-handed on V-Day proper. 

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$144 at McConnell's Ice Cream

$144 at McConnell's Ice Cream

Get cheesy

If you give someone chocolate, you like them. But if you give someone cheese, you LOVE them. This tasting box comes from Jasper Hill Farm in Greensboro, Vermont, where “there’s a 22,000-square-foot, seven-vaulted cellar for aging cheddars and blues,” and includes a curated selection of cheeses for your boo.  


$50 at Food52

$50 at Food52

The Best Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts for ~Sexy Time~

A fancy candle trio that moonlights as sex wax

These jojoba soy boys are earthy and minimalist in design, manufactured in New York, and would definitely only text you back in lowercase letters. But just when you think you have this trio figured out, you light their 100% cotton wick (TBH a better thread count than your current sheets), and they turn into a hydrating massage oil. For less than the average price of one swanky candle elsewhere, you’ll get a trio of three candles with three different scent profiles; one is totally unscented, another has notes of amber, cedar, and lemongrass, and another is a bright blend of gurjun balsam and California citrus. Yum.


$45 at Maude

$45 at Maude

Black satin sheets because why the hell not?

Are they a joke? Not a joke? See your S.O.'s reaction, then play it off from there. Is there any other gift, ironic or otherwise, that is so very guaranteed to get you laid for just $32? (We cannot guarantee you will not get dumped for giving these if your partner has a lousy sense of humor. But if that's the case, why are you dating them?) Plus, everyone under the age of 35 needs more sets of sheets.

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$27.95 at Amazon

$27.95 at Amazon

Vibrating panties your partner can control

Couples vibrator and long distance/app-controlled sex toys have really hit their stride in the past few years, and this 4.8-star rated vibrator and panty set is the perfect way for beginners and seasoned sex toy lovers alike to get in on the good vibrations.


$99.99$74.99 at Ella Paradis

$99.99$74.99 at Ella Paradis

A bed restraint kit for some chill kink 

Again… please know your audience while choosing a gift such as this. But if your boo is interested in some light-as-a-feather BDSM, these restraints are the perfect intro to kink. You can also tuck them under your mattress so you don't accidentally leave out anything troubling for the next time your parents come to visit. 


$49.99 at Lovehoney

$49.99 at Lovehoney

If you’re a total bondage newcomer looking for something that feels a little more romantic, these silky bondage restraints are also perfect. They have a 5-star rating on Lovehoney. “They are incredibly silky and soft,” writes one user, “they feel lovely against your skin. The perfect sensory experience during play time.”


$19.99 at Lovehoney

$19.99 at Lovehoney

The Best Cozy and Classic Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts

A candle that you promise is actually a #vanlife vacation?

Say you and your S.O. have been knocking boots since before way before Sean Spicer joined the cast of Dancing With the Stars, and this year, they want something big. A statement gift. Maybe a trip to a romantic cabin where you can share a bottle of whiskey and get into a fight over a jigsaw puzzle, then have great makeup sex in the morning. But vacations require planning, and here you are less than a week before Valentine's Day, scrounging for gift ideas. The solution: Buy them one of these fabulous-smelling candles from Good Well Supply Co. that is themed like Muir Woods or Zion or Yellowstone, then tell them that what it represents is the trip you're going to plan together to that destination. Bingo—for just $36, you're the best gift-giver in the whole world, and it looks like this was all on purpose. 

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$38 at Huckberry

$38 at Huckberry

A Jurassic Park bouquet 

This. This always works. But it works even better when your flowers say, “let’s make out in the wetlands” instead of “It's me, generic red roses. Again.” Urban Stems is a master at making bouquets that feel like they were rolled out of a Luca Guadagnino film (RIP Call Me By Your Name), including many options under $100, and offers a very detailed delivery breakdown to make sure they arrive exactly when you need them to be in the hands of someone whom you might not love, but definitely want to impress. They’ll be just as beautiful when displayed dry, and come with the vase.  


$95 at Urban Stems

$95 at Urban Stems

A satin bathrobe

You can never have too many house coats and bathrobes, and this 4.6-star rated satin robe comes in 22 different colorways. Our pick is the olive green for it’s lowkey/horny earth mother feel that would be perfect alongside a bouquet of fresh eucalyptus from the bodega.


$14.99 at Amazon

$14.99 at Amazon

Blinged-out slippers and slides

Why not say, “I love you, but I love your toes more” with comfy house slippers? They’re an evergreen gift, so make sure you get them an extra luxurious pair of faux-fur fluffies that have their own lobster brooch.


$95 at Wolf and Badger

$95 at Wolf and Badger

If your dumpling has enough slippers, go for the slides. THE slides; you can’t miss them when they’re covered in sparkles.


$9.99 at Amazon

$9.99 at Amazon

Personalized jewelry that isn’t corny

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If you’re trying to shop for V-Day jewelry that dosn’t feel cringe or corny, we’ve curated an entire guide of the best affordable, luxurious looking brands. Catbird is at the top of the list for their delicate, sentimental designs, and because they offer next-day shipping for only $25 extra.


$168 at Catbird

$168 at Catbird

The Best Virtual Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Gifts

A romantic video greeting from a member of Insane Clown Posse

Has it felt like things in the world have gone terribly wrong in recent years? Yes. But have certain things also gotten better? Definitely. Take, for example, the fact that we now have access to Cameo, probably the most amazing online service ever that we must never take for granted. For less than the cost of a moderately irresponsible night in Reno, you can have a member of Insane Clown Posse like Shaggy 2 Dope tell your boo just how much you care. And if your special friend is a reality TV junkie instead of a Juggalo, you're in even more luck, since Flavor of Love cast-offs and Vanderpump Rules cast members are surprisingly affordable on the app. Sure, all these Cameos cost money, but this type of gift is priceless.  


$120 at Cameo

$120 at Cameo

A telegram, sunny

Yes, a legit telegram. Did you know you can still send those? Alterantively, hot and lazy people in love can use a service like this to send (and preview) their telegrams at the click of a button.


$9.95 at Telegram Stop

$9.95 at Telegram Stop

A four-hour online workshop about Japanese sandwich-making

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Maybe your S.O. doesn't have a pet, and so a course about telepathic animal communication wouldn't be of great use to them. So… do they like sandwiches? If they are a true 'wich head, the solution is clear: Get them a Japanese-style sandwich press, and then an accompanying four-hour course about all of the exciting things they can make with it. Is it weird that we think this genuinely sounds amazing? “The recipes that you will get from this course will fit your needs for a delicious sandwich toast," the course description promises. Imagine smoking a bowl, being given a massive pile of bread and cheese and meat, and being able to just make delicious, toasted sandwiches for hours on end. Truly… heaven. 


$84.99 at Udemy

$84.99 at Udemy

If you really want to add on the *muah* finishing touch, gift them this perfect Gotham Steel panini grill:


$19.99 at Amazon

$19.99 at Amazon

The gift of telepathic communication with their pet 

This is not a drill. For just $18.99, you can give your loved one the greatest gift of all: the skills to read their dog's (or cat's) mind. Yes, this is an actual online course (with a four-star rating!) offered by Udemy, and it's absolutely perfect for the animal-lover who spends every morning cooing at their French bulldog. In fact, since they'll know how to communicate telepathically, maybe they can stop tormenting us all with that baby voice. 


$24.99$18.99 at Udemy

$24.99$18.99 at Udemy

Name a star after them

Did your Valentine ask for every placement of your Zodiac birth chart on the first date? Name a star after them with the help of the International Star Registry, which was founded in the 1970s and still creates such groovy certificates to celebrate your star of choice that even fire signs will swoon. “We permanently publish all of the names of the stars in the astronomical compendium,” their team explains about the naming process, “[so it is] registered in the U.S. Copyright Office.” Your giftee will also receive a photograph of their star, the location and date of dedication, and its telescopic coordinates.


$72.50 at Amazon

$72.50 at Amazon

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.