Welcome to Hell: The Definitive List of the Literal Worst Dance Covers on YouTube

YouTube, eh? Isn't it great. I love it. I love going on YouTube and watching Russian dash cam footage and videos of socially malajusted adults playing computer games and swearing a lot. I love logging onto YouTube of an evening and pissing my pants — literally, actually, genuinely, really pissing my fucking pants till my pants are soaked through and I've got to bin them — and sitting there, in pissed-through pants, pissing myself again at all the funny Vine compilations and clips of John Oliver totally destroying an American politician. I fucking love it, right, when after a long, hard day at work, I slip into my favourite chair, whip open my old laptop, check a few emails, go to the kitchen, come back with a cool, refreshing glass of tap water, slip back into said favourite chair, head over you YouTube and just chill out with some fantastic viral video content or maybe, as a treat, a documentary about DMT or food waste. Nothing gives me more joy. Nothing.

Except for those evenings when I lie, like a pig in its own shit, in my own shit and spend a few hours blasting through all the covers of dance records that litter YouTube like so much shit-smeared confetti. It's brilliant. I stuff my face with cheap crisps, laughing out loud at how bad these cover versions are to the point of hysteria. I'm a wreck by the end of it. What a life.

Because I'm not a hoarder of hilarious entertainment, I thought I'd share the 20 worst covers I've found on my travels. Join me down here, in the seventh circle of hell. Me and Dante are having a fucking great laugh.

It's a techno classic, right, but, like, it's played on a piano, so, right, there's this sense, like, that, right, it kind of, like, brings out the innate beauty, and the, like, paradoxically simple-complexity, of the original, right, and it's also, like, the kind of thing that, like, second year film students use to soundtrack their "haunting" looks at life in "lonely London".

I don't know who the Duo Gitarinet are, but fuck me, I can smell the fetid combination of stale cum, stale hash, stale beer-breath, stale hair, and utter, complete, ravaging, destroying desperation from here.

This is you and this is how you spend your free time.

And this is your boyfriend. He's "got a sensitive side and isn't afraid to show it" but also loves "having a few cold ones with the boys on a Friday" but is careful to never go overboard because he's "all about the gym on a Saturday!" He drives a 206, thinks that David Cameron is "doing a difficult job to the best of his abilities", loves a good old Sunday roast, and weeps every night.

John Newman is a total fucking legend. Sick voice, amazing talent, just iconic, just one of the best pop stars this country has produced since Sam Smith and this cover of a Certified 90s #Banger is the kind of legendarily amazing thing that only an amazing legend like John Newman could pull off.

The only music worth listening to, obviously, is tepid, jazz-lite, "smokey" covers of naff chart house records, custom built for the 7.40-8pm support slot at a wine bar in Portsmouth. A former member of Simply Red's live touring band is headlining. Aimee Montague doesn't get to do the duet she was expecting to do with the former Simply Red member. She is distraught. Her bus is late. Her partner's changed the locks. Everything's gone wrong.

This is like going on a trip to the Vatican, buying a novelty supersoaker at the gift shop, pissing into the compartment that's meant for water, hiding it in a backpack, sneaking it past both the security guards and the Pope, waltzing up the Sistine Chapel, climbing the walls, and then spraying hot piss all over Michaelangelo's handywork.

The Horrors! Glasto! Real Music for Real People! Down with dance music! Glasto! Glasto! Glasto! A seminal performance at Glasto! It'll go down in Glasto history!

You met these two on the first night of uni. They were sat together at the SU bar, both wearing peaked beanie hats on even though it was September. They'd grown up together somewhere in Leciestershire and decided to go to university together to "take on the big smoke!" You talked to them for the duration of a cigarette, they invited you to a "really cool new open mic night" at a pub down the road. You agreed. You went. You dragged all your new flatmates with you. "This could be good," you told them. You bought everyone a drink to placate them. You sat there, sipping on a pint of cider with a knot in your stomach. You sit through a few acts, feeling more embarrassed than you knew was possible — and you'd lost your virginity a few days before, mind — and eventually these two come on. "Hey y'all," the one in the shades says. "We're Rudi and Miller and we wanna play a few good time songs for you good time boys and girls!" They play this. Your social life is over. You quit university.

All you need in this life for a good time is a tight perm, a school shirt, an acoustic guitar and a shiny leather jacket. That's just facts. These guys are living life like it was a fucking movie, and by God, I respect them for it. There's good times and then there's you and your mates doing a live cover version of Armand Van Helden while looking like a character that Chris Lilley binned after one attempted sketch.

I am NOT the genius who composed this song! A man by the name of Todd Terje wrote this one, and I just simply can't get enough of it. I hope you enjoy what I've come up with! Please comment your thoughts and subscribe! I will be posting original songs soon.

Hi ladies, I'm Josh, I'm 25 years old, I live in London, I work at VICE, I have four brothers and two sisters, and at the weekends I like melting vast amounts of plastic, inhaling the smoke, and listening to this on repeat.

This is Best Damn Cover of any Song Ever "Everybody Dance Now" C&C Music Factory Cover and if you don't think that it's Best Damn Cover of any Song Ever "Everybody Dance Now" C&C Music Factory Cover then you don't deserve to even listen to music let alone the Best Damn Cover of any Song Ever "Everybody Dance Now" C&C Music Factory Cover. Come back to me when you can admit that this is Best Damn Cover of any Song Ever "Everybody Dance Now" C&C Music Factory Cover because it really is the Best Damn Cover of any Song Ever "Everybody Dance Now" C&C Music Factory Cover.

I Hate Myself and I Want to Die

We've all tried to get your dad the help he needs but he keeps pushing everyone away. You'd think he'd have learned after your mum left that this rock'n'roll thing wasn't going to take off. But no, he's still down here in the basement, night after night, strumming away, fretboard wet with tears and regret. He won't listen to us. He says that it's the world that needs to change, not him.

We've said the same to your mum, too, mate. They need each other. You know it. We know it. And you know what? Deep down they know it too. Let's make it happen.

It's great to see a band take something daft on and really go with it - the true spirit of a good cover. It's great to see a band take something daft on and really go with it - the true spirit of a good cover. It's great to see a band take something daft on and really go with it - the true spirit of a good cover. It's great to see a band take something daft on and really go with it - the true spirit of a good cover. It's great to see a band take something daft on and really go with it - the true spirit of a good cover. It's great to see a band take something daft on and really go with it - the true spirit of a good cover. It's great to see a band take something daft on and really go with it - the true spirit of a good cover. It's great to see a band take something daft on and really go with it - the true spirit of a good cover. It's great to see a band take something daft on and really go with it - the true spirit of a good cover. It's great to see a band take something daft on and really go with it - the true spirit of a good cover. It's great to see a band take something daft on and really go with it - the true spirit of a good cover.

In a word, no.

The Montagues are an Indie funk band from South London. This is them covering a song by Phats and Smalls. This is content in 2015. This is what I spend my day doing. This is my life now. This is the life I have been given. This is it. My life is me, sat here, watching an indie funk band from South London covering a song by Phats and Smalls and writing about it. That's my life. That's who I am. That is the man I have become.

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