So you've been out more than a few times, you've nailed the 101s of fitting in the club ecosystem. Now what? Need to step your game up to a higher echelon? Of course you do. Luckily Club Angels in their infinite benevolence have imparted their wisdom on how to step your game up to a whole other level with a step-by-step power-playbook on specific club circumstances. Take notes.
1. A cutie wants to hook up with you, you want to too but it means ditching your mate at the club on their own
This isn't a great situation to be in because you're going to piss off one of two people - you and your bff. I know it's hard out there, coming by a cutie at the club who is actually worthy of mashing your lips and blueberry Cruiser coloured tongues is rare and exciting but it usually happens at an inopportune time. These times include, nights where you make a pact that it's a "Girls' night! No boys allowed!", nights where you make a pact that it's a "Boys' night! No girls allowed!" or when you've gone out with one friend who is relying on you to stick by their side because of social anxiety. People are shit and we're going to fuck up these pacts. I say kiss the cutie while your friend takes pee breaks, the lines are usually long and you'll probably get a good ear biting in by the time they return. Kiss them while your friend is at the bar getting you another Cruiser. Dump the cutie accordingly at the end of the night and return to your bff, because they bought you drinks and pretended to pee many times so you could kiss someone whose face you'll never recognise again.
2*. Your friend has gone and gotten way too wasted and they're one techno banger away from throwing up on themselves*
A few things I've learnt about drinking and avoiding throwing up on myself is to avoid mixing red and white wine with dumplings. If you know someone reckless enough to attempt this, it's easy to write them off and say "they deserve it". They do, but be a mate and help them out. If you see them swaying on the dancefloor, its unlikely they've picked up a new, zen dance move. We're in the critical final moments before projection. Other symptoms include talking nonsense, like arguing with a stranger about how Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are going to be together forever; flirting with people by yelling in their ears about how many 'Mystery Shots' they've had – "they're only four dollars!". Immediately grab them by the shoulders, steer them like a shopping cart to the bathroom and put them in a cubicle. Vomit is imminent. They'll thank you the next morning when they don't wake up with remnants of Noodle Kingdom in their hair.
3. The club is banging at 3am and you are despo to make a request to the DJ
Don't. This is a mistake, unless you're requesting anything but the DJ's number because you want to ditch your friend to make out with them. Sometimes hearing five bongo driven house tracks one after the other is tiring, but it's best to have a dart in the smokers' room or numb your brain by swiping left on Tinder for the next 30 minutes than to commit the worst crime to club culture (I said 'club culture'. Kill me).
4. You're a klutz, you've teamed that with being drunk so you're a drunk klutz and now you've knocked someone's drink out of their hands mid fist bump
Classic move. If you're prone to talking with your hands, you're in trouble. Being inside a club is a lot like being inside one of those very quiet, very miscellaneous gift stores that carries glass frogs, glass tables, glass chairs, glass clocks that is occupied by no more than two people in their 80s who have dedicated their entire lives to tip toeing quietly around fragile homewares. Not having that experience can lead to disaster, especially when you're 25 and have mixed your red wine and coke cocktail with three bumps of MDMA. Before you know it, your flailing your arms in the air to RA's favourite tech house tool track and you've knocked someone's Tequila Sunrise out of their hand on to their very white, very new dress. Don't cry, but probably don't ignore them either, it wasn't their fault as much as you probably believe you can do no wrong in this very moment. Buy them another drink, apologise to them and for the love of MDMA don't hug them, trust me they don't love you as much as you think you love them and forgiveness will only come after the exchange of money/drinks/drugs/sorries.
5. You've spotted someone having a rough one, they're alone and they're really not doing okay
You might be having one of your top five nights ever and you don't really want to leave the podium position this gronk from across the room has been eyeing off ever since you scrambled on top, but if you see someone slumped over on the couch and no one else has – check it out. Get them a bottle of water and see if they need help and try and figure out who their friend is. Don't be an arsehole and leave them alone, you'll get some club karma and make someone's night a little easier.
6. You're feeling really confident, you look hot and feeling great (after three lines and 15 drinks) and you want to message your crush to come to the club
I am the number one ambassador for crush confidence, not that I have any, but I really believe in the cause. Before you send that text in at 4am, just don't. That cute mirror selfie you just took in the bathroom, it's cute but is your jaw looking cute? How big are your pupils? I'm only saying this to save you from a hangover that can't be cured by Powerade and bacon. Receiving three texts that are some variation of "wherehgh r u tonyy2t" and "comejj to Looungeh" followed by 4 selfies of your best Tyra Banks impression is going to leave you feeling useless and the other person a little scared.
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