VICE Sports Premier League Player of the Weekend: Sergio Aguero

This story originally appeared on VICE Sports UK.

Have you ever done that thing where you grab someone by the wrists and use their own hands as a weapon against them, chanting "why are you hitting yourself?" as you go and grinning at the shame you've brought on a person now helplessly slapping themselves in the face? Sergio Agüero probably has. After all, this weekend, he was doing exactly that to Newcastle, but with a football at his feet and their own dogshit defending as the weapon with which to beat them.

All of the usual footballing cliches – knife through butter, parting of the sea, etc – don't quite do this match justice. But there's a scene in the rebooted Casino Royale with Daniel Craig in which he's tortured whilst sat naked on a chair; there's a bloke stood across from him with a giant knotted rope, which he repeatedly swings with all of his might into Bond's balls, in a weird 'action film meets 50 Shades' sort of way.

In this match, Newcastle were the ball sack, Manchester City were the rope, and Sergio Agüero was the knot causing all of the damage.

There was, briefly, a moment where Newcastle actually went ahead, and City's poor form looked set to continue in the most spectacular fashion. Truth be told, though, all the opening goal turned out to be was a charitable head start, like pretending you can't see a kid's feet from underneath a curtain when playing hide and seek. Agüero, apparently not even fully fit, went about his work with little concern for anyone but himself, sticking the boot into the already down-on-their-luck Newcastle fans as he went.

Watching the goals back, as many people likely have, the footage is reminiscent of those first few games of FIFA you have after a new version comes out. You set the computer to one of the lowest difficulty settings, and proceed to bang in double figures to work out the kinks of the new game, as the AI helpfully wonders around with no particular desire to win the ball, only tackling you when you misplace a pass or run directly into one of them by accident. Or when you went round your mate's house as a kid and scored while he was out of the room speaking to his mum – that's the level of ease Agüero played with at the weekend.

If you're into stats, the figures Agüero posted will certainly float your boat. In the 20 minutes he took to put away his five for the afternoon, he touched the ball nine times, meaning only four of those didn't lead directly to him scoring. This was the fastest a player has ever scored five in the Premier League, and Agüero now has as many top-flight goals as Carlos Tevez and Cristiano Ronaldo.

Joining only Andy Cole, Alan Shearer, Dimitar Berbatov and Jermain Defoe in the Premier League's five-in-a-game club, perhaps more would've been made of his achievement had it not come so soon after Robert Lewandowski scored five in nine minutes the other week, stepping up the piss-taking to a whole new level.

There's only so much praise you can give the goalscorer though because, if we're being honest, Newcastle are a complete and utter embarrassment at the minute. Steve McLaren looks like the sort of man you'd overhear crying and wanking in the work toilets on his 15-minute break, before catching him sleeping in the back of his car and using the rear mirror to shave in the morning. He hasn't actually won a Premier League match since around 2006, and only two league matches of any description in 21 attempts, having spectacularly torpedoed a certain promotion for Derby towards the end of last season in equally shambolic circumstances.

The only joy for Newcastle is the knowledge that, somehow, Sunderland are still more of a joke than they are, having been left in the lurch by Dick Advocaat after persuading him to delay his retirement in the summer. At this stage, Newcastle and Sunderland could form some strange coalition, field 22 players, and still have Sergio Agüero stick five past them.

Agüero isn't our Player of the Weekend for services to goalscoring, or shit-shaming Newcastle. He's our Player of the Weekend for services to natural selection, for singlehandedly proving that some things are just more evolved than others.

@bainsxiii

• Rudy Gestede (for services to aerial damage
• Winston Reid (for services to hope and helping build a nation's football reputation)
• Steven Naismith (for services to nationwide happiness and unexpected heroes)
• James Morrison (for services to espionage and anonymity)
• David Silva (for services to attacking football and giving Chelsea what they deserve)
• Petr Cech (for services to narrative and entertainment)