FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Sports

Dumb Football With Mike Tunison, Week 9

In which Cam Newton punishes football teams and football fans, the Broncos look not-so-good, and every living person wishes Greg Hardy would just go away already.
Photo by Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

Let us now establish this universal principle: bringing a huge banner expressing support of the visiting team into an NFL stadium and hanging it within arm's reach of a player means potentially forfeiting said sign. Those bringing such signs have no recourse and are not permitted to be a big baby with a full diaper about it.

It's a shame this rule was not established earlier, as it may have prevented Mike Dobs, a North Carolina-based Cheesehead, from crying to the police after Cam Newton snatched the $500 sign Dobs had specially made "for his man room" prior to Sunday's game between the Packers and Panthers.

Advertisement

Read More: Josh Johnson, Emergency Quarterback

Dobs told a local newspaper that he is giving the Panthers 48 hours to make it up to him, though perhaps he should be less forceful since the Panthers are fully within their rights to tell him to go pound salt. It says so right there on the Panthers website under the banner and flag policy.

No banners or flags expressing support of visiting teams may be affixed to or displayed on any surface. Hand held signs or posters that are in compliance with the balance of this policy are acceptable.

Sure, that's a rather strict sign policy, but it definitely covers the team in this case.

nccheese.jpg

It's also worth mentioning that Dobs does himself no favors by being a fan of a team with a national following claiming the territory of a more regionally popular team. Packers fans, like Cowboys, Steelers and Patriots fans, are goddamn everywhere. The fan bases of less nationally prominent teams don't need reminders that these fans are ubiquitous, as it surely comes up on a near daily basis. More to the point, never bring anything truly valuable into a stadium. You're asking for it to get messed up. Have you not noticed how drunk everyone is?

Cam's thoughts on the matter, while not elegant, should be abundantly clear to those who speak in #brand.

Cam Newton on tearing down Packers banner pre game 'You're not gonna sell a Whopper at a McDonalds, nawhat I'm sayin?'

— Jonathan Jones (@jjones9)November 8, 2015

Advertisement

I don't think I'm alone in wanting the Panthers to give Dobs a blown-up picture of yesterday's final score. I'd even settle for the tablet Aaron Rodgers threw away in disgust. That thing's a meme now. That definitely drives up the value by a few hundred faves or so.

Let Mike Zimmer Fight Gregg Williams In The Street

The early part of Rams-Vikings gave us such wonderments as the Rams' Todd Gurley being ruled out of bounds because of his hair. It's a shame that, by the end, the game was marked by a dirty hit and one head coach's desire to fight the opposing defensive coordinator in the street.

I fully support Mike Zimmer getting the chance to scrap with Gregg Williams, especially if Zim packs a lip just before they square up. The anger of Vikings coach is understandable. The hit that LaMarcus Joyner put on Teddy Bridgewater was incredibly dirty and left Minnesota without its starting quarterback for most of the fourth quarter and overtime. Perhaps longer, depending on the status of Bridgewater's concussion.

bhit.gif

In bitter postgame comments, Zimmer evoked Gregg's involvement in the Bountygate scandal, which also featured his defense famously targeting another, more-gunslinging Vikings quarterback. That's well in the past, though. If I'm gonna watch two old white guys swing at each other in a parking lot, I don't want to have to worry about Brett Favre possibly being avenged.

This Week In Fantasizing About The NFL Being Some Sort Of Morality Play

Panthers since ditching Greg Hardy: 8-0Cowboys with Greg Hardy: now 0-4

— Mike Rosenberg (@RosenbergMerc)November 9, 2015

On Friday, Deadspin provided what was the only ugliness left to be unearthed about Greg Hardy's history of abuse: the visual evidence. The public is so sickened that the position of supporting Hardy is no longer tenable for even the most notorious media trolls. Jerry Jones still finds a way to stand by him, of course.

Advertisement

Watching Hardy play for Dallas is not yet something that can be compartmentalized as a Necessary Football Evil, like so many other terrible things in the NFL are. It should never be a thing we're comfortable with. That said, our discomfort manifests itself in odd ways, including the desire to attribute Cowboys' losses to a relative lack of moral rectitude, as though the ideal exists in professional football and the universe conspires to push undeserving field goal attempts wide for reasons of cosmic justice.

Greg Hardy isn't the reason Dallas is losing, at least not the main one. The Panthers are undefeated this year, sure, but Carolina was 7-9-1 in the games Hardy missed in 2014 while he was on the commissioner's exempt list. Lane Johnson's criticism aside, Hardy can obviously play, and that's why he's playing. Because the NFL is still cynical enough to be a place where that's the only thing that matters. Believing in anything else—like the notion the Cowboys are really that much more of a despicable franchise than the rest—is just a comforting fantasy. And given SNF's huge ratings, a lot of people clearly have chosen to start their boycott next week.

Blaine Gabbert, Adequate Quarterback?

That's the disturbing reality the world must confront this morning after the former first-round pick played actually not bad in a 49ers victory over the Falcons. Hilarious Blaine Gabbert interceptions would have been a delight—and we still got one!—though there's something to be said for the humor of teams losing to Blaine Gabbert. Oh, it's so good. Not to mention the more victories Gabbert stumbles into, the greater the chance some desperate team makes him their Week 1 starter next season.

JPP Returns To A Chorus Of Insensitive Jokes

posthand.jpg

On Sunday, Jason Pierre-Paul made his 2015 season debut, replete with oven mitt covering his right hand. While his conventional stat line was unimpressive with just two tackles, JPP had several quarterback pressures and Giants fans seem to agree that JPP brought a noticeable improvement to what has been a largely dormant pass rush.

Advertisement

The more tasteless among us, myself included, were mostly concerned with making cruel jokes. Don't worry—my comeuppance is coming and if there's any justice it will be equally meme-worthy.

JPP the Jewels — Mike Tunison (@xmasape)November 8, 2015

Aqib Talib's WWE Heel Tactics

pokeeye.jpg

After carrying the team for most of the first half of the season, Denver's defense looked vulnerable on Sunday in Indianapolis. As a result, the Broncos didn't get to join the largest collection of 8-0 teams in NFL history. When they weren't simply being beaten, the Broncos were drawing dumb penalties to extend Colts possessions late. Aqib Talib had two such mistakes, including one eye gouge of Dwayne Allen that he claims was an accident but is still likely to get him fined or, at the very least, a chance to wrestle Kevin Owens for the Intercontinental Title at Survivor Series.

Trailing at one point 17-0, the Broncos were able to get back into the game thanks to an 83-yard punt return by Omar Bolden just before halftime. With Peyton Manning extending his career-long streak of games with an interception to eight, it's proof that if Denver's defense falters down the stretch that this is a less formidable team that their record might suggest.

Ryan Fitzpatrick Stars In A Very Jaguars Statistic

Ryan Fitzpatrick is the 1st QB in NFL history to start and win against the same opponent (JAX) for 5 different teams. — NFL (@NFL)November 8, 2015

The Jets hung on to win over the Jaguars to stay in the thick of the AFC Wild Card hunt. In doing so, the team proudly joined four others in the not-very-exclusive club of those that have defeated the Jags using the services of Ryan Fitzpatrick: Avatar of The Media's Fixation with Ivies. It's a statistic only possible with a journeyman quarterback and a truly awful franchise that happens to play him a lot. Here's hoping Ol' Beardo can hang on for a few more years and add a sixth or seventh team to that list.

Advertisement

Fan Of The Week

— Dave Miller (@DaveJMiller17)November 8, 2015

Would it please the scientific community to know the 2015 Patriots might be the first Super Bowl champions to engrave the ideal gas law on the side of its championship rings? Or that there is a college in New Hampshire still spending time debunking the NFL's ball deflation science?

The NFL's appeal means Deflategate technically isn't over and possibly never will be, though New England's battle with the league has provided writers and broadcasters covering the Pats with a glib explanation as to why the team is dominating this season, as though that's something new. The Pats, especially Tom Brady, are just plain angry. Are the teams tired of losing to the Patriots year-in and year-out angry? Apparently not. And if they do harbor bad feelings toward the Pats, or so the narrative goes, it's only proof of their lack of reverence for a superior foe. Like most NFL things, the Patriots would be a lot more fun if you never had to read the coverage of them.

By the way, cheers to Patriots fans for making Kirk Cousins regret that he was ever happy that one time, even if it had nothing to do with their team. It's important that Boston fans remind us that they're as miserable in victory as they are in defeat.

Patriots fans yelling, 'YOU LIKE THAT!' at Kirk Cousins leaving the field — Scott Smith (@ScottSmithFOX5)November 8, 2015

Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline in Glory

1. Cam Newton: four total touchdowns, one destroyed sign

2. Marcus Mariota, albeit the beneficiary of one supremely lucky deflection

Advertisement

3. Antonio Brown, 287 receiving yards against the Raiders

4. Brandon Graham, two sacks and two forced fumbles

5. Jerry Hughes, two sacks, including a critical strip sack at a critical moment in the third quarter

Five Losers Bathing in the Hard Water of Infinite Shame

1. Dan Quinn, kicking a field goal at the 1 with three minutes left and down four points

2. Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, playing horribly and fighting with teammates on the sideline

3. Pierre Garcon, providing the most costly of the many Washington drops

4. Aqib Talib, whose two thoughtless penalties prevented Denver from getting a final shot to win

5. Antonio Cromartie, now at six touchdowns allowed in eight games

As For Tonight…

We're barely into the second half of the NFL season and already we encounter that humble November/December tradition: prime-time games between sad teams with little to play for. Here's where I cover my ass with the "to be sure" line acknowledging that neither team is technically eliminated from contention while also openly assuming that neither of these hapless two-win squads is destined for a late-season playoff surge.

And that's just fine, because tonight marks the renewal of a direly missed quarterback rivalry: the one between Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers. To think of how much poorer the NFL fan became when Cutler was removed from the AFC West in 2009, depriving football fans of two shouting matches between hothead quarterbacks each season. Instead, Cutler went to Chicago, where he can be seen moping through losses to the Packers. Meanwhile, Rivers has had to make do feuding with quarterbacks that don't pair quite as well with his brand of unhinged intensity.

Jokes aside, it's hard not to feel for Rivers a little bit. His defense isn't helping him out; his injury-ravaged offensive line is brutal. Yet the guy is consistently putting up amazing performances in losing efforts this season. It's like if Sisyphus were a raging shitlord with eight kids.

For what it's worth, tonight could be the final prime-time game at Qualcomm Stadium as the prospect of the Chargers relocating to Los Angeles looms over the proceedings. You hate to see discussion of corporate avarice mar a largely meaningless contest between loser teams, but such is NFL fandom.