Some Questions About the Baffling Video for Eminem and Ed Sheeran's "River"

Did Ed Sheeran have to practice swearing? Could Eminem beat Floyd Mayweather in a match?

It’s ironic that Eminem loves boxing so much given that Revival was the equivalent of him giving himself a TKO. Awkward, played-out rock samples met awkward lyrics and awkward recordings. But he’s going to headline every festival this year, so his popularity stands untarnished. The latest in the Revival promo campaign/fallout is a new video for “River,” the Ed Sheeran collab that’s likely the album’s strongest candidate for hit single, even if it does just sound like a Sheerified version of “Stan,” (and thusly, Dido’s “Thank You”) which Eminem wrote, in case you forgot.

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The resulting clip is actually confusing as shit, seven minutes long and apparently telling the soapy story of Eminem’s relationship troubles. We have many questions, as per usual:

Who, precisely, is Trevor, the G-Eazy-looking chap throughout? Is this a diss track?

Did Eminem get all excited when he watched Mother!?

Why do directors think that Important and Dramatic Moments always happen in the haunted, unkempt drawing rooms of word-down old mansions?

Are the Eminem in the story and the Eminem in the lo-fi testimonials the same person? Are either of them Slim Shady?

Em is boxing a lot here. Has he ever gotten over the fact that Southpaw was not as good as Creed?

Could Eminem beat Floyd Mayweather in a match, though?

Has Em been working out some kind of punchline revolving around him being the rap Conor McGregor?

What does Ed Sheeran have to do with the breakdown of Eminem's relationship and the pregnancy that has upset the rapper so?

Why is he here?

Is he equally upset by the breakdown in Eminem's relationship?

Did they think it was weird to give Ed Sheeran a girlfriend to be upset over, too?

Do you think Ed Sheeran had to practice saying "fucked" at the end of his interview intro?

Do you think that, when Eminem met Ed Sheeran for the first time, he just stared, wide-eyed, at the nice British chap and shouted: "Bitch, I wrote 'Stan'"?

Did Eminem write "Stan"?

Why did this Very Serious Song need that “ex lacks/EX-LAX” pun?

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Why, despite the fact that this video is clearly land-based, do I feel sea-sick while watching it?

Do you think Eminem gets his grandad tops from J Crew or The Gap?

Why is it raining inside?

Is the phone footage supposed to be "gritty"?

Does Dido get royalties from this song?

Who wrote "Stan"?

Phil feels like he's been living with Eminem in that disintegrating house for too long. He's on Twitter.

Alex Robert Ross suffered greatly for this content. He's on Twitter.