I always knew there was something up with Kinder Surprises, something not quite right—something nefarious about them.For those of you not in the know, Kinder Surprises are milk chocolate eggs that—surprise!—hold a small capsule with a buildable toy inside. Back when I was younger, I used to love the cheap-as-all-hell toys that came in the capsules. We would only get them on special occasions or if we did something awesome—like not crying when my parents told me they were getting divorced. But, while I always had positive feelings about the Italian treat, I could never shake the feeling that something was off about them and now I know why.
Turns out, they make great little capsules to smuggle drugs—as long as you shove 'em right up your bunghole.As first reported by the Ottawa Citizen, a man was just sentenced to two years for smuggling drugs into an Ottawa prison. The Citizen lays out what happened in detail: the tale starts in June of 2016 with a young man named Damian O'Reilly who wanted to sell some weed for a little more than what it is worth.Now, O'Reilly knew that if you can get the sticky icky into the prison system you can sell it for ten times its worth. So, O'Reilly went out and picked up eight Kinder Surprises and removed the foil, the chocolate, and the toy—being left with just the smooth little capsule. The 20-year-old took these capsules, filled them with weed, matches, and some rolling papers. Then he shoved those suckers right up into his ass.
Now, with these capsules firmly stuck in his butthole, he needed to get arrested. So, as the Citizen reports, O'Reilly whipped a rock at a police cruiser parked in front of a courthouse and was quickly busted. In a short while, O'Reilly was denied bail and promptly thrown in the hoosegow. His plan had worked!Well, not entirely. While in the clink, a suspicious prison guard blew a hole in O'Reilly's genius plan and put the man in a dry cell—a cell which has no plumbing. Once he was in there, O'Reilly eventually had to remove the formerly milk-chocolate-covered capsules, which were now presumably covered with something else. The man was eventually charged with drug trafficking.
The Citizen reports that O'Reilly may have set a record for most eggs in the butthole at one time. And yes, there is a record, because this is not the only time someone has taken the capsules out of the beloved treats and shoved 'em way up their bum to get some drugs into prison. It's happened many, many, many times before.In January of this year, a man who conducted a very similar plot to O'Reilly was found to have smuggled in crystal meth and weed into an Ontario prison. In Saskatchewan, a prison guard got three years for smuggling cocaine and marijuana into her prison. A man actually choked to death on one of the Kinder Surprises in 2009 when he was caught attempting to smuggle it into prison and thought he would quickly swallow the capsule to hide his crime. This isn't just a Canadian phenomenon either—however, the Europeans do have their own spin on the smuggling.In April of this year, a man in Northern Ireland who was returning from weekend release was caught throwing the eggs filled with diazepam, cannabis, fentanyl, and buprenorphine over the prison fence. It turns out this man could only fit one of the capsules in his butt and had to try and whip the others over the fence. In 2015, a 73-year-old grandmother was caught smuggling drugs for her son who was serving time in a Spanish prison—she was utilizing Kinder Surprise capsules tucked up into her vagina. And a pair of brothers were stopped at a Plymouth, UK train station with £24,000 worth of heroin shoved up their ass. These brothers' capsule of choice? You guessed it, a Kinder Surprise.Even the eggs themselves have been smuggled. Kinder Surprises are currently illegal in the United States because the small pieces of the toys were considered a choking hazard. So people had to sneak them in—in 2001 alone 60,000 Kinder Eggs were confiscated on the Canada-US border, and if caught you could be fined up to $2,500 for trying to bring them across. However, the ban has just been rescinded and in January 2018 the people of the United States will finally get their hands on one of the favourite little treats enjoyed by the rest of the world.So get ready America, because as soon as people are done marveling at the tastiness of the milk chocolate and the ingenuity of the toy, they'll get down to the real work—shoving these treats right up their butts.Follow Mack Lamoureux on Twitter.