On Monday, a terse report from Pennsylvania's LehighValleyLive.com told of a bizarre dispute between two drivers on one of the region's highways. To say the absolute least, the official police statement on the incident raised a lot of questions:
"The accused and the victim got into a road rage argument, leading the accused to defecate on the victim," police wrote.
We all could've decided to just let the story die with that one sentence, if we knew what was good for us. We already knew the who, what, and where of the story, but, perhaps because we're human, some people still wanted, even needed, to know the how and why.
"How does one even poop on another?" one LehighValleyLive.com reader wrote on Facebook. "Are both people standing, sitting, on the ground?"
"This is a very strange article," another wrote. "There has to be more details."
Bravely going where no journalist really wants to go, LehighValleyLive.com reporter Steve Novak decided to call up the alleged poopetrator, Henry Weaver, for some answers. The 69-year-old explained that he has irritable bowel syndrome, which messes with your ability to control your bowel movements, especially when you're stressed—something he apparently experienced driving to work on Friday morning after some dude cut in front of him. Weaver said he rode the guy's bumper for a while, and then the two men pulled over, got out of their cars, and started yelling at each other.
Then Weaver went into a little too much detail—last chance to turn back, by the way—on how he enacted his revenge:
"I've put up with it for years," he said. "You get worked up and you're going to have to go…. I couldn't control my bowels. And he was right there. And it's just as simple as that."
"He was right against me. He was right there," Weaver said. "I had to drop it… He just got me worked up. Something was going to happen. I could have easily have missed him if I had turned around but it happened then."
"I was having a bad day," he said, "and it got worse."
"Most people who know me know I'm chill," he said. "But you really have to do something to get me to that point."
"I'm not proud of it," he later continued. "I messed up. It happens."
There it is, folks: far more than anyone ever really wanted to know about Henry Weaver's bowels. Sure, the guy might have overshared a bit. But we invited this hell upon ourselves—we asked for all the intimate details behind how one man pooped on another, and Weaver delivered. Now he's facing harassment charges for the poop in question, but maybe his diatribe can serve as a lesson to us, too. Not all questions need to be answered.
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