Although I've been trying to reconnect with my Jewishness all year, I almost didn't celebrate Hanukkah this time around on account of the fact that I don't own a menorah, and it's honestly been so long since I indulged in the festivities I forgot how to play dreidel. But then Yahweh came to me in a dream and reminded me that there exists a bong so holy, it can inspire even the most secular of Jews to partake in the festival of lights. The Grav Menorah is a bong with eight bowls you can hit at the same time, and as soon as I pulled it out of the box I knew I could no longer ignore my religion's sacred winter tradition, where Jews all around the world gather by candles flickering with the dank, infinite light of G-d to remind us who we are and how we got here.
So I smoked the menorah bong. All eights pieces. At the same time. And I learned eight very special things.
1. What's up with this 12 days of Christmas nonsense? Sounds awfully Jewish to me.
2. In 2016, recreational weed got more votes than Donald Trump in the states that voted to legalize it. So why is weed still illegal when Donald Trump is legal? Because we live in an oligarchy, not a democracy!
3. Nothing to remind me how dumb my alleged emotional problems are like getting paid to smoke a $400 menorah bong I got for free. In the immortal words of Kourtney Kardashian:
4. "Weed's" cool, if you know what I mean. (Our lawyers tell me I can't directly reference smoking marijuana, which is illegal in the state of New York, home to 1.1 million Jews, out of my special Jewish bong, which seems anti-Semitic to me.)
5. Speaking of anti-Semitism, is it discrimination that VICE gives me the day off for Christmas but forces me to work for all eight days of Hanukkah? (Yes, 100 percent.)
6. The first time I smoked the Grav Menorah bong was in late 2015. I couldn't handle it, I coughed and got too fucked up. Two years later, I can smoke this thing no problem. Is this what it means to grow up, to go from being "not a girl, not yet a woman" to an Adult Woman? I think so.
7. Nixon once said, "Every one of those bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana is Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them?" Guess I'm not really proving him wrong, but the question we really should be asking is, "What the Christ is the matter with Nixon?" Weed's fun, and relatively harmless!
8. People should celebrate 8:40 by doing 420 two times.
Having smoked all eight bowls of the menorah, I feel closer to my heritage than ever before. Being Jewish was already great, but being Jewish while smoking a bong is even better. While I'll always prefer joints to any other method of smoking, I'll be sure to bust out the Hanukkah bong on every Jewish holiday. In fact, if synagogues started celebrating the high holidays with more emphasis on the "high," I'd become Orthodox in no time.
This review was based on a complimentary Grav Menorah given to me by 420 Science.
Follow Eve Peyser on Twitter.