Babes, it's not going great is it? You were sacked off X Factor, your album sold so few copies that thousand had to be pulped, and yesterday you were arrested yesterday, after genius journalists at The Sun proved that she knew people who could get journalists at The Sun drugs. The sting, led by the News Of The World’s famous fake sheikh, forced police to arrest you and her rapper mate.
Thank god you're out now. We don’t want to take all the credit at Noisey, but we did tweet #FREECONTOSTAVLOS about four times and suddenly someone had bailed you out.
You've been made an unfair example of, haven't you babes. I'm pretty sure you could ask anyone under the age of 30 who works in entertainment for drugs and they’d probably be able to help you out, even if few would be such a puffed-up, overweening braggart about it. I know some people think that you set yourself up for this fall, by descrbing yourself as “role model” and “an inspiration for broken Britain,”. But I know the truth, that you were in the most ratchet band in the country.
N-Dubz were, let’s be honest, three thugs from Camden with about as much charm, good grace and regard for the well-being of women as Ted Bundy roaming through Coventry city centre, tanked-up on Stella. Dappy was arrested earlier this year for spitting in a girl’s face on a garage forecourt after she refused to go home with him. That's the second time he's been in trouble for spitting in a woman's face, pleading guilty to two charges of assault a few years back. I forget whether that was before orr after he sent death threats to a Radio 1 listener, was arrested on suspicion of assaulting the mother of his two children. Didn't your DJ, DJ Maze, get arrested on suspicion of rape after the group attended an after party for a show at Butlin, too? With all that in your history, .
But my favourite thing about your past, Tulisa, is a song called "Sex" from N-Dubz's platinum selling debut album. Remember this point in your career, when you'd tour school assemblies and play underage shows and everyone was calling you the new face of youth culture. That's around the time this song came out.
Here are the lyrics, I’ll talk you through them.
I don't mean to be pushy, pushy
I'm just in it for the pussy, pussy
Who wants to come get a pie of the piece
Got time for everyone, I ain't on no leash
Be single and mingle around
Seen one too many get tied down
That shit right there is pricey
I ain't got no wifey
Free love, who could stand against that? I guess you thought you were just embodying 60s ideals here. Throwing out the shackles of monogamy. Oh and sorry if it feels like a guy's pressuring you into sex, he doesn’t mean to be pushy.
Ever since I started puberty
I was looking in magazines just to see the nudity
Truthfully, guess I don't care who you be, be
I'm fine if you take a chicks virginity
Looking at your phone becomes a misery
'Cause she calls you up more times than infinity
Here, you raise a common problem with punching the V-card. Girls - presumably super young girls, probably around the age of 16, the average age a girl looses her virginity in the UK - can often get a bit clingy after you sleep with them. It’s so annoying when you just want to spend your time looking at porn mags and mashing virgins, a real drag on the lifestyle.
Bitch, let me be, I don't need no stress
I'd rather have a pint and a li'l bit sex
Sex no text, root it then boot it, shag that back
Fuck all the kissing and cuddling
Why don't you grab my balls and try juggling
Here’s a little reminder of how you marketed yourselves around that time.
I'll go on.
Josh slept with Bianca
Little did she know he was wanker
'Cause he was a bi-sexual prick
He love slits as well as dicks
He fucked Bianca as hard as Rick
Never thinking of takin' a trip to the clinic
Now they're all in it, they might have AIDS
I can't have babes
Great to see N-Dubz, with all your teenage fans, telling people what those bi-sexual wankers are really like. Especially at a time when two out of five victims of homophobic bullying at school contemplate or attempt suicide. You reinforced AIDS stereotypes most thought had been dead for decades.
So this "fall from grace" that the papers seem to think you've experienced in the last couple of days is a myth. It's really just a continuation of the N-Dubz nightmare. The three of you are destined for a lifetime of scandal, brushes with the law and shame.
Hope that makes you feel better.
Lots of Love,